So what I did because everyone was gone was start going to the gym again, and I remembered that I hadn't exercised since I was in, like, high school. So that was really, really hard. But it tied in really well to some thoughts I had during my quiet time. I've been reading in Corinthians, and at the end of chapter nine Paul shows his heart by switching to athletic metaphors.

1 Corinthians 9:25-26:
Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself be disqualified.

This has really been on my mind the remainder of the week. Lately there are have been a lot of things that are heavy on my heart that don't necessarily need to be. I wonder why it is so hard to let go, and sometimes (usually) when you read the Bible, even if you've read the verse over and over, it hits differently the tenth or hundredth time. God will always help us through difficult situations, but it takes a lot of self-control on our part. God isn't going to make us figure things out on our own but he gave us a free will: God won't make us drop something until we choose to. Sometimes that means he breaks us completely so that we are humbled and realize what we need to do. I've been convicted about amounts of wasted time and things I have been putting my hope in. And why do I keep making these choices? Lack of self-control. I love that Paul explains this in athletic terms. Athletes spend countless hours training their bodies for their individual sport. They discipline themselves to eat a certain way, even if it means giving up something they love. They push themselves to do what isn't always comfortable, like waking up early to run or biking up that extra hill for endurance.

The crazy thing about these athletes is that they do it for a simple prize. Maybe it's a trophy, or their face on a Wheaties box, but none of these things last. Even the nicest trophy can break or be stolen, and Wheaties will be eaten and then the box recycled or thrown away. Nothing they get will even matter in 100 years, but they are still totally willing to discipline themselves and live for the next meet or race. Why isn't it the same way for Christians? We have gained an imperishable prize in Christ: ETERNAL LIFE! Yet the average Christian, and myself included, shows incredible lack of self control. We don't train ourselves like we should, waking up early like the athlete, but instead to read our Bibles or spend some time in prayer before our God. He gave it all up for us and yet we still cling to things outside of Him that we think will make us happy. An athlete can do it for a fading prize but we can't do it for our Eternal, Holy, loving, perfect God who we will be with in Heaven forever? This is incredibly humbling to me.

So how I got to that from the gym. It hurt so bad to start working out. But I know that the more I do it and the better of a routine I get in, the easier and more enjoyable it will be. Exercise also clearly benefits my health. And it is the same with my God. It is sometimes so difficult to yield to Him in every area, to be honest and real, to spend time with other believers in fellowship, but the more we do it, the more we grow, and our spiritual life is forever changed. I am so convicted by these verses. Along with them:

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

The weights we hold do us no good, just as tying a ten pound brick to your leg would severely impact your ability to race. Maybe it's a sin from the past, or a relationship, or even just something we keep too close to the level of God in our minds. Regardless, weights tie us down and, even when they aren't bad, such as a commitment to work, if not handled correctly they get tangled in sin. We must constantly die to ourselves and consciously throw off those weights and sins. Even if at times we aren't even sure of what they are, there is an importance in giving all things up to God. There is nothing that will be more worth it than crossing the finish line to the "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I can't wait for that day.

So there are my thoughts for this week. This has been a crazy year of ups, downs, and everything else. Happy New Years. God bless.

tomorrow will be different, so i'll pretend i'm leaving...

Right now what I want more than a lot of other things is my eighth grade dream of seeing the Strokes play a solid rock and roll show. And it would be fun to meet Julian and tell him that his music kept me awake on too many long drives home at night, or long drives away from home during the day. Probably he wouldn't care though, since he is a rock star, with nice hair. But it's a thought.

Now that Woody doesn't have his dew claws, I think I can love cats, even though these guys could never compare to Henry or Julia. I miss my long amount of time spent in the Midwest a lot lately, and I have been cheating on the credit union and looking at cheap plane tickets to various places this summer. I know it's early in the relationship, but I am still a little sad about Faithwalkers, so there's that.

I keep dreaming about money all of the time now, which translates into nightmares because I hate money, which is ironic because of my job situation. So I am hoping these dreams will end soon. I would like to have my normal sleeping patterns back.



Anyways. Here are some quotes I have been saving up, from Spencer and from regular life:

"It hit me right between the face."
-Austin, describing the feeling of being tired, and mixing metaphors again.

"I'm not getting a kid's meal, that's CRAP!"
-Spencer Scribner

"Dad's a little cold-hearted. Don't tell him anything cute, he'll just break it down."
-Spencer, again, on Tom

"Oh, I haven't had a Christmas sock in years!"
-my Grandma excited about a stocking

about tonight.

i got off work while it was still a little bit light outside, which was a nice surprise. plus my first day had like, no problems, except for a guy that wanted me to take his swedish money and give him american money. i am in love with my job right now and i hope it stays like this for at least 3 months. the only weird thing is that i am working with only men all of a sudden. but they are all married or look like richard alpert so there are no worries there.

tonight we went out for scrib's birthday. i keep getting semi-adopted into all of these new families which is always an adventure. we ended up eating at a tepanyaki place and then going to temple square to look at the lights. it was like a rewind of my childhood, except for that i was wearing fancy boots. but it was fun.

"I would like to work with investments..."
"You'd like to work somewhere that had refreshments?"
--Zach, and then Steph. This is a family of misunderstandings.

"If I could fight a girl, I would fight a Russian."
-One of the high school boys I worked with at the grocery store.

There are no deadlines looming over my head for the first time in months. I ended up leaving all of my stresses on my professor's front porch today, which was in and of itself a journey because it is just weird to be standing on your teacher's door step. A man walking his dog just kept looking at me real skeptically like I should not be allowed in that neighborhood. And that was that. It's over, and I'm already starting to feel like not a zombie anymore.

I passed my training class at work today with 100%. It was a lot to take in, but the test was nicely underwhelming and my last day went by fast. The thing that is creepy is that there were only two of us training, though, this whole time, and the other girl was like my freaky Northern twin. We are both the same age, our names are two letters apart, and we both are working our last day of groceries tomorrow. Except the biggest difference is that my twin is in love with David Archuleta. So that is a little bit of a disappointment, but it is nice to know what I would act like in an alternate reality. I was always a little bit curious.

There's my week really fast. Tonight was a good wind down. I have fallen in love with instrumental music and so that's all I've been listening to on repeat for a bit. 3055 by Olafur Arnalds would be a good one to check out, or anything by Explosions in the Sky. It goes well with this cold winter.

"I make the two and a half hour drive out here to see the lights every year. I wouldn't ever miss it, unless I am pregnant, or sick."
-a TLC show, about Christmas. Glad to know people have good priorities.

Lately I have been spending time in high heels and business slacks. Going to the third floor on an elevator with padded walls, an elevator that tells me with a voice that is supposed to be sexy but is really just strange that I am going up. Yesterday my trainer told me that I was now the face of a $5 billion dollar company, and to make sure I always thought about how I was preparing to enter the workplace, like if my hair looks funny or not. Everything is so serious now. I feel like I have aged ten years and am living a freaky life based on a career path I never chose to take. But after this week I won't be working in such a big, fancy building, so maybe this dream life will go away.

....And I also realized why the life of a corporate high-up seems so alluring sometimes: because they feel like what they are doing is so important and innovative and etc. And it's been fun for a few days. I love to dress up but I want to have a level head and realize work is work. it's easy to see how people get sucked into that world--always promising things it can only give temporarily. It all looks so exciting and fun but in reality they're all still a bunch of broken people that need Jesus just as much as I do at the end of their days. It may be power and status and bonuses, but those things are achieved during 60 hour work weeks and missing your child grow up. Plus, they do get tired too, and have to grocery shop and do normal-people things. So my dream of being Veronica Palmer (which I had for like, 3 hours yesterday) from Better Off Ted is on a permanent hold, but I still do feel pretty happy about my new job. Probably what helps that is the breakfast they give me every morning, because they know I don't have time to get ready. That and the trainer whose voice I have a huge crush on, if a crush is even what you would call it. It's more like an appreciation--he doesn't whisper-talk like Alec Baldwin but has an honest, generic American voice that I really would just love to hear tell me nice things all of the time. And maybe that is completely weird.


This is a finals week of two finals, but mostly beginnings of things. Plus tonight what happened was that I fell in love with Hobby Lobby, and also watched Phil Hahn try to snap his fingers really hard which made us all laugh so much.

What happened last night was this:

I rushed from school to work to get there by five, then got off at 11. I drove home with beads of rain on my rear window, which was really cool because the greens and yellows shone through them in a beautiful way. But anyways, when I got home was the fun part, because there was NO doorknob on the front door. Like, someone had just forgot to put one there. So I had to attempt to get through the back gate, which has been broken since forever. The cold had done something weird to the latch, so it took ten minutes of wrestling with it, but I was finally able to get into the backyard and go through the back door. I am feeling more like a spy today.

I only ever eat Mexican food anymore. And I love it.

I wore too many layers of long-sleeves today. I didn't know that was possible, but apparently it is, and so I am waiting for class to be over so I can go change already. The sun outside is always tricking me that it is so warm out, like it is August and the semester is starting all over again. I sometimes would like to do this semester over, and maybe still be taking Metcalf's teaching class. Oh well. I'm an English major now, for real. And also a business minor. And also a teller. And also busy. Bring it, Spring. I'm ready. I'm encouraged right now.

I rode Trax up to school today, with Philip, and Paul Jackson (unexpectedly), which was pretty neat, because Trax is a bummer. Here's to one month and possibly forever of a break from it. I will miss the low gas mileage on my car.

"Well, if you could answer that, that would be great."
--Spencer Scribner, yelling at us all from the bathroom (where he spends a lot of time, yelling out his needs)

"You need to come up and see my Tron collection, Matt!"
"I bought you all of the Tron stuff you have."
"Yeah! You need to come see it!"
-Spen, again, and Matt

It doesn't look like Christmas time around here, it looks like L.A. This is real gross of you, Utah. I would love to write a complaint letter, and maybe get a free hat out of it, except that there is really no way for me to do that. So for now I will just try to spend more of my time indoors.

I had to watch Pulp Fiction for my theory class last night. I am sort of disappointed, because I thought maybe if it was so controversial it would at least be more exciting, but it really wasn't. Maybe I just couldn't get over John Travolta's mullet. Umm, gross. All in all, it was interesting enough, though. In-class discussion will be better, and at least it is better than reading about deconstruction, because my head was going to burst because of that one.

Things are getting back to good. God is faithful.

How do you fix sweatshirt sleeves that are just barely too short? It is really starting to bug.


There is a lot on my mind today. Sometimes my flesh wins, and I lash out. Or sometimes my flesh wins and I say nothing. It's been that kind of day for me, and I spend some amounts of time wishing Jesus would come back for messy old us. It's fitting that I read Genesis 19 today, because those people were SCREWED UP. Lot did nearly everything possible wrong, and yet still God loved him. Lot spent ample amounts of time not trusting God's plan, forging his own way, and looking back at his old life. Even as he hesitated, knowing his old life was going to literally burn, God had the angel grab his hand and pull him away. What a patient, loving, merciful God. I want to be that to people, but it is so hard. People can only break your heart so many times over before you want to give up on them. I guess that's just a place I need to 'yield' each day and work on. It isn't easy--but Jesus forgave ME, and pulled me away from the sin and death clinging to my life, my soul. Daniel DeGeare did a really good job leading Communion tonight. I had a living, breathing God that came down to earth and was up against all that I'm up against. I'm sure people hurt him and ignored his advice and shut him out time and time again, but he didn't give in or even retaliate: He loved them deeply. He loved them deeply enough to die for a whole crowd of them as they mocked and spit at Him. How beautiful a love. How hard a love to show. Daily I am discouraged and frustrated. Daily I realize I suck at dying to myself.

I sold a piece of art tonight, for the first time. Which, all in all, is both scary and encouraging. Scary because I trusted that piece to someone else, for forever and ever. Encouraging because I love this life.

I just real quick have to make three notes about this semester, in line with my three profess0rs (the fourth is just a computer, so i can't study her mannerisms or funny way of speaking):

number one: B.W.
he looks like an old, jewish version of a guy tim i know, and he takes off his glasses and twirls them in his fingers. plus sometimes he just looks like he's in a lot of pain when he's speaking. i think i will miss this professor when he is out of my life. he talks like he is in the princess bride. mr. mancini type stuff.

number two: M.D.
she is a little bit scary because she is not nice. but she is short too, and italian, which she reminds us all the time. she tries to cut through the scary by telling jokes, but i don't trust them still.

number three: K.S.
by far the most interesting of all my professors. she has bleached blonde hair with a black diamond dyed into the back of her head. everything she says is related to some form of gender studies but she is a genius on it. sometimes she gets so excited that she just yells her sentences. dresses like a man, but a classy one, at least.

i will miss number three, and only partly because her office looks straight out of a national geographic. hopefully my next-semester professors will have cool offices too, because it seems like school likes to keep me involved now.

today i walked into my new job and got to meet some of the people. there are like, 3 men, whose names i have already forgotten, but one was wearing a sweater that didn't match his dress shirt, so that made me pretty happy. also there is my boss, who looks very young, and her assistant manager, who is always sick, but looks a little bit like jenny lewis, which is always cool in a person. so two weeks from now i am excited to learn all of their stories.

my jeans are turning everything around me blue. mostly my hands, though. probably i should fix that.

"I am going somewhere, but it will be boring. Do you want to come?"
"Sure!"
-Me, and then Spenc. We have a good false-sibling relationship.

I have spent a lot more time lately, listening to Bob Dylan songs. Like, I think I just remembered that we were in love last year, or that at the very least I was in love with him. His music would play in my car and I would really hope that I could hop in a time machine and make him fall in love with me. I would've grown out my hair real pretty, just for him. And I like to think that he would make the best coffee, and always smell like the perfect amount of cigarette smoke. But anyways, I am really loving "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright". There is something beautiful about it that I can't put my finger on. Even as a cover song. I look forward to most Bob Dylan covers, ironically, because no one can really ever do it like him, so they are never boring. It's like listening to a completely different song.

The main point of even writing on here was that I got a new job. God is so good to me, down to answering prayers on the exact day I say them. He knows my heart and where the best place is for me. I am so thrilled to see what happens through this job, how he is glorified, the people I meet, the hours I get to have. I am blessed beyond measure, in every aspect of my life. This year has been a crazy one for me..a lot of changes, good, and bad. But I am able to rest in knowing there is a plan in all of it. I am happy, I am blessed, I am so encouraged right now.

sometimes i forget to live at my own house, and that forgetfulness lasts for something close to a week. but that is alright i guess.

i got to spend yesterday in anticipation of a storm. i skipped my first class because of sleeping, then realized my second one was canceled. THEN when i was about to go to the train, they called me to tell me that the school was closing down. all in all that was nice; i was sent to run errands, and a tree branch fell on top of my car, but there was no visible damage--just audible damage. one day i will find out what all that noise when into destroying. for right now i don't feel the need to stay outdoors long enough to figure it out.

anyways the terrible storm i anticipated never really came, except for two moments when collin was driving around town with the indie backstreet boys (good one, moriah), and me in the car, and in those five or ten minute 'moments' i thought,
yeah, this is bad, and if we crash, what will we tell colorado?
but we all ended up alright, and shivering, inside of living rooms and parking lots, alternating back and forth. i am grateful for all of the people God has put in my life.

i think if i had ample amounts of free time i would always want to watch nature shows on the discovery channel. last night philip and i made it through life: birds, reptiles, and mammals, while everyone else dozed in and out. there are some crazy things in the world.

i like seeing people from my classes last semester, walking around the campus and still looking flustered. sometimes their hair has grown out, but usually they look the same but with new outfits. i always hope that their semester is going well, and that they aren't taking a theory class.

the thing i like about this time in the year is that my hair is finally as long as i want it to be. i also like drinking a lot of tea, and that my classes are almost done. i am sleepy all the time; not tired, but sleepy: loopy, livin' in a dream world. i sometimes don't know what day it is, but luckily i get reminder calls for appointments, but no reminder calls for where my car keys are.

i wrote what i think was my best paper of the semester last night. i really hope my professor agrees with me. we are starting paradise lost after thanksgiving, and i am actually excited about it.

days seem long lately. public transportation. hours of working under flourescents. waiting for the heat to kick in in the mazda. nights of poor sleep. eighty minute classes. missing people, and missing moments. sinus headache. strange movies to be watched. text messages too late at night. roland barthes theory. editing photos. all of a sudden i am down to about one real meal a day, which is weird because i am just not hungry anymore. maybe it was watching food, inc. i've taken to getting chips and salsa as often as i work though, so that gives me something to look forward to. but still, what i am not saying in all of this is that i am unhappy.

thursday thursday. there is a lot on my mind. i want to take a nap and wake up in a different state, where the air is warmer, and there are miles of fields.

"Yes, I think it's an emotion...like joy, or spicy food."
-Veronica Palmer, Better Off Ted

I spent most of all day yesterday in bed, watching that show, which was half great, but also half awful, because of feeling so sick all day. I was able to get up for half an hour at some point and go to the orthodontist, which was encouraging because he is a Christian, and is always asking me about how things are going at the Rock. I also stopped off at the library for foreign film, so that is what I will be doing with the rest of my sick day.

I think what I always write about is school, which is getting old, so let me just say this: that next semester is going to be sixteen credit hours of no life. But I will be getting done sooner, I suppose, so that is a blessing.

Still so much I want to say, but I can't really put it into words. These next few months will be an adventure, in life, in relationship, in art, and in all of the beautiful (and probably hard) things God is teaching me.


Spencer is watching a movie in the other room (he is sick, too), and it keeps singing: "We've got the treasure hunting fever...for LOVE." What does that even mean?

various things i am missing today:

sometimes my mind draws a blank, and i can't write.

except this blank has followed me all the way from spring, so that is weird. i miss having interesting words to mesh together.


days are getting dark real early. i think i would like to live in infinite amounts of summer.

i finally got a good grade on a paper i wrote for my medieval lit. class, so now i feel alright about school. except that i finish one big project, and get a bigger one immediately after. i guess that's what i get for being an english major. my whole life feels like classes now, because of all the procrastinating i did last weekend.


anyways. spencer has started doing this great thing, where, when you are leaving, he will run out the door after you, possibly two or three times, and tell you a joke that he forgot to earlier. it's actually really cute.

it's come to the point where my windshield wipers don't work. so what happens is this:
i have to pull over and get out of my car, to fix the mess they have made. so that is more than a little unnerving. and time-consuming.

bowling, and baking, have taken the place of most biking. black keys for bon iver. buying gas for buying clothing. there are seasons of life that change despite the leaves being green, in 45 degree weather.

there is a constant surrender. everyday, starting in the morning, and continuing through to the evening. the more you give up, the less time is wasted. i am wanting productivity, and not just days that fly by (which, they all do anyways, because of theory, and film). the more surrender, the better the work day, the less messy the heart. does anything i write even make sense anymore? i doubt it. but still, i manage to be passing classes, at least theoretically, at least hopefully. my heart is pretty full these days, as well.

november is coming up.

"I was thinking about taking Japanese, but I am definitely not trendy enough."
-Brian from work, discussing his spring classes with me



I love Jesus Christ. That is all I ever need to say that will truly matter. He blesses my life in every way. I lack for no good thing.

More later; right now, I have hours of midterm left to finish.

"Everyone wants to know what's next, but I enjoy this moment."
-Dignan, on Bottle Rocket

I go to school two days a week, I have a wonderful house church, and Tom always makes fun of me for eating unhealthy. Also, we are getting a kitten.

I am totally happy right now.


Another thing that keeps happening is that I run back and forth between school and banks in fancy clothing. This is starting to consume a lot of time and gasoline. But it is still a little bit thrilling, looking so professional.

it is small grocery stores, and two lane interstates, that are ruined by wal-mart. it is my grandma's job--which is a funny thing, because her boss is in complete denial--that is taken away, slowly, with the credit machines going first, then the heat, then the inventory. next the lights will go off, and they will stop pretending. so sometimes i wish for a world without wal-marts, and that is just a very simple truth of today. because, you know what? i like the small grocery stores.

spending time with my grandma is fun, because she has been in this city for so long. everyone is a cousin, or a friend, and she also at one time lived in like, every single house in the state. apparently she also does this thing where, every thursday and friday, she goes to the casino where they give out five dollars worth of free tokens to every senior. she picks up her chips faithfully each week, then leaves and stores them who knows where. after the winter she takes them out and goes on a gambling streak, spending money she never worked for and making money by pulling levers. and all of this is funny to me because why would such a small town have a casino?

"Oh yeah, this looks exactly like them."
-my grandma, absentmindedly touching a German WWI helmet at a museum. Sometimes she forgets she was never a part of the war.

Michigan is gorgeous. It has been ten years too many, I am convinced. The air is cleaner and the roads are longer (with much less traffic). The Midwest and I were meant to be, and I always realize this as I am staring out at trees or eating a good meal. I will dream about this place when I leave, so I am going to try to soak in as many memories as I can while I'm here.

The time away is good, too, for reevaluation. There is a lot more alone time with my God, and the things he wants to teach me. Less distraction from working or writing papers, and especially good time alone for prayer and reflection. It is a blessing to have a week off of the white noise and the people, even the ones that I hold dear. Growth can be hard, and messy, but there is nothing more beautiful. Renewal. Refreshment. God is patient and graceful with me.

some unrelated thoughts:

i really enjoy the fact that the weather is getting cold, because of the fact that i am starting to hate doing my hair. now i have a good excuse to put on a hat and leave my house with chlorinated hair. oops.

today the train showed up twenty minutes late, so i missed my class and went to the library, which is slowly becoming my favorite place at school. i love sitting in the booths on the bottom floor because you can never guess who you will end up across from. today the man across from me offered me peanuts out of a can of instant coffee. which i guess is pretty friendly, except that i do not want to eat peanuts at 9:30 am.

busy weekend, mainly consisting of mountains and the interstate. i've logged hundred of miles this weekend, between bountiful and provo and miles of canyon.

studio with collin, tony, and rachel, and philip there to watch as well. i am excited to hear this all put together.




fall break starting friday. is it really that late into the semester?

"then came the nights, when, lying awake beside my final wife, i would spend too much time putting my finger on what was wrong. i was wearing the finger out. what was wrong was very simple. sometimes her life and mine fell on the same day."
-gary lutz.



department of eagles on, tea made, but still, i can't write. this is probably all sorts of bad for school, since i have two papers due this week.

my first professor of the day, who sounds like he should be in princess bride, and is generally alright because he lets me get to class a few minutes late, mentioned this american life in class today. somehow he made it tie into medieval literature, which made my respect for him go up by like, 5,000 points, because that stuff is boring.

two more work days this week. one more school day. who said it's almost october already? i don't see many yellow leaves. plus it's 90 degrees outside. this is the surprising nature of utah, but i am starting to love it even more, despite the fires and despite the yucky air.

Netflix started sending us movies in the mail without us asking for them, which is sort of a thrilling adventure.

The first movie they sent was the 60's version of the Music Man, which, umm, I am already aching for my summer all over again, for fields and hay bales and humidity. For long talks, and sunsets, and campfires until it is freezing outside. For fireworks, for counting obese people, for just not showering for a week (oops). How did Netflix know about this, is what I am wondering?

My eyes are real tired, like I haven't slept in over a month. One day I will wake up and wonder what happened to these days because it is already hard to keep them straight.

(Also, today Brian at work--who is becoming my favorite person to work with--accidentally gave me a benadryl that wasn't non-drowsy, which made for a very long day. )

"Who's Kate Gosselin?"

"I don't know, but don't look at her in a bikini!"

-An older couple, at work.


These are the people that are holding my nights together.

i have this new thing, where i can't sleep without white noise. like, if there is nothing going on i won't sleep. i think it is due to the busy-ness (business?) and noise of my summer. that and the fact that without it, my thoughts are just louder.

i am working a ten hour shift tomorrow. it's been a long time since i've done one of those, but i let my manager pressure me into it too easily, regardless of my theory homework, or even friends. work has been in my prayers a lot lately, because it's so discouraging and i just want out all of the time. it's been a year now, a long year, but i'm just not sure yet if God wants me to move on or not. the last few weeks there have been really hard and messy.

steele said tonight that we would be fools to keep holding onto any treasures that were lesser than Jesus. and i am agreeing so much, but, damn, that is convicting. my hands are pretty full of my treasures, and the messes they've caused, but it feels good to just keep dropping them, one by one. God is so patient with me, throughout my worries and headaches and even my impatience. how beautiful a truth to see, to know. i am truly excited for the changes fall is bringing into my life, even if i get a little sad about them occasionally. God knows exactly what i need right now.

"This building that I'm in smells like chlorine and cigs, and it made me think of you."
-a text message from Emma Hahn

you know what i hate?

when you're driving, and you have a moment where there is a great idea for a story in your head, but you can't write it down because you're steering.

so then you forget it as soon as you are able to write it, but it is always in the back of your head, bugging you.


maybe i should start putting these things in my phone.

tonight i watched this film for a class, which was entirely in chinese, except for when they listened to american songs, which were always oldies, or reggae. or, sometimes there was a mysterious lady in a blonde wig, who smoked a lot of cigarettes, that occasionally spoke english. but anyways, it was so wonderful. it made sense with a lot of things that are going on in my life, which sounds cheesy but is mainly true.

i feel like i haven't seen my friends for a long time, like i have just been going to school always, or working, or watching children. but then i remember a moment i've had, that is recent, where people were involved in my life. that is manageable for now. further down the line (which hopefully is soon) i need to figure out some time management. this is making for long days, which i can't stay awake through. this is just a long season, though. one day i'll wake up and the semester will be over, and maybe i'll have a new job.

God is teaching me things, in this extra time by myself, in hard days, in not sleeping very much. i have been having some great quiet times, and my head is above water, for now. i wonder when things will change but i know that ultimately God's timing is perfect and worth resting in. i am tired of running around seeking my own desires. it gets me nowhere, and it just creates one more thing to think about before i fall asleep. so here is to letting go of that and picking up a real fight, that has direction and a vision. i'll wait for as long as i need to.


also, on a completely unrelated note: i love doing bridal photos, but it's so hard to not be able to post previews of a project that i'm so excited about.

"my mom took my sister to the doctor because she was getting too fat, and you know what the doctor told her? to stop eating so much cereal."

-yelin, on german healthcare

i keep almost falling asleep in my first english class, everyday, and i think that is because medieval literature is boring. so, good to know, if you ever can't fall asleep.

i have been looking through pictures of my summer, and they make me sad, in a way, because i know i won't get to do a lot of things again, like spend three weeks in the midwest (which, also, i am dreaming about every night). so pretty much that totally sucks, and i am grateful i got to go when i did.

one month till vacation, again. fall is starting to look better, warmer, livelier. yesterday was a bike ride through the west, which is really actually wonderful in cooler weather. fall isn't going to be such a hard thing this time around, and i will be waiting with open arms. for once.

i may be exhausted, and probably sick, but never too exhausted for 30 rock. so that's how i plan on ending my night.


also, i've sneezed, like, 30 times today. it feels SO GOOD.

spencer does this funny thing when you are reading out loud with him, where he just fires out words if he doesn't know what something says. like, if the word is concept, and he doesn't want to sound it out, he says just about every other word that starts with c in the english language. it's pretty odd. he has a bigger vocabulary than most of the kids i've ever met.



this semester has already proved itself super tough in one week, but i think i can handle it. mainly just critical theory is kicking my butt, because of nothing i read making sense. it's like, only french guys, and it's like they got together at their french school, and said,

'hey, let's say a bunch of really obscure stuff, that undergrad students in america will have to spend, like, hours reading.'

so that part is kind of annoying. the rest of school life isn't really so bad though. i love walking all around the campus while it is still warm.

another funny thing is that i have been working more hours than ever before, which means i have a lot more customers that recognize me all of the time. like a man today that scolded me, saying, 'hey, i thought you were in school!' i guess it is nice that he was reminding me that i do that, except i never remember telling this man about school before. or really i don't even remember this man, with his short hair and sunglasses. mainly the people i remember go like this:
old. quiet. write checks real slow. smile. goodbye. repeat.
but they are cute in their routines, like 'sage'. i don't know if that is his name, but his checks say that and he is an ADORABLE little asian man who was also a world war two veteran, or a veteran of some war, because he wears the hats. anyways. sage comes in only on wednesdays and i have come to look forward to his smiling face. one day work will be more exciting stories; but for now, this is what keeps me going.

i am happy right now, truly, even though everything is crazy and messy. God sometimes makes us give things up to Him when we don't feel like we are ready to. And it's never bad.

thanks for chatting with me,

said an old lady at my work that i probably said like, four sentences to. sometimes old people break my heart because they can just get so lonely. so they cherish every conversation, which i guess is something i admire in a person.

something i realized today was that i have been living the past whole week without a headache. and that i didn't even notice. so now i am not sure whether that is good or bad. also what i realized is that my outdoors life doesn't have to end with fall. i keep thinking that because school is starting back up i am not allowed to be outside, hike, or ride my bicycle anywhere, but i am not going to let school trick me. taking classes doesn't always mean looking longingly out of windows. at least until winter happens, which could be anytime around here.

back to the old life. back to hot tubs, and baking, and missing people at the oddest times. it is going to be a long fall.

there is a lot going on in my life, and usually i just don't feel like writing about it. but one thing that went on yesterday that was interesting was that someone smashed up my car. i was helping a customer at work, and this man came in the store freaking out and saying that we needed to call the police because somebody had pulled a hit and run on a car in the parking lot. his details about the driver and other car were pretty vague, but he mentioned that they hit a mazda millenia, which really wasn't cool because, well, i am pretty sure i am one of five people in america that actually has one of those. so i was freaked out, but i couldn't go look cause i was helping a customer. i gave my keys to a girl that i worked with so she could go check, and finished my job and walked outside. and of course it would be my car, and of course it would be awful! the whole front bumper was off, there were no cameras, and no one got her license plate number, so there was really nothing to be done, except either laugh or cry. so mainly i laughed, and had to find myself a ride home.

today though, i figured out it was a blessing. it still sucks because we have to pay the deductible, but because i pay so much for insurance everything is covered--i even got a fancy rental car. just a few days ago, we were talking about how bad my headlights are too, and i guess they were going to be about $1100 to fix if i didn't want them to keep going out. well, needless to say, with the whole front being smashed, i get new headlights that will finally work for way less than that! God is so good to me, even when things seem so backwards. he is good in troubles and relationships and even going back to school. i am ready for fall, i guess. i just wish i could keep sleeping in, is all.

and some things that Spenc has been saying to me recently:

on body parts:

"That is the thing I hate about eyes."

on my life:
"Do you feel like a kid again?" -after taking a break from watching a meteor shower to jump on the trampoline

and, to the eight year-old boy inside of me:
"Have you ever had to poop and throw up at the same time?"

"Big night, Lemon? Let me guess: meatball sub, extra bread, bottle of Nyquil, TiVo Top Chef..."
-Jack Donaghy, on 30 Rock. I keep going back to this show after long days of life, work, and even, occasionally the outdoors.

I am going to miss the outdoors, due to winter coming sooner than I want it to. I will need to find a kind of exercise I can do inside. Or get a gym pass.

a thought, a few months too late, is that i really actually miss my creative writing class. but i do not miss reading everyones' stories about computer hackers or creepy spy dudes. so mainly i just miss my ultra-hip professor and the things that i was able to write during that time.

"There were the firemen, big, bulky looking, spraying down the car with a hose and popping the tires. Feet away stood the old woman, watching her Buick dissolve into nothing useful. Her face was that of someone in shock—not scared, but not present, either. She just stood there.

The car was nothing but scraps of metal, and the other employees came in from the outdoors because the smell was too strong. A lone fireman walked away from the scene to the local Redbox, like he hadn’t just put out a fire. Jermaine almost had to laugh about it. He had never wanted a cigarette so bad, which struck him as odd after just seeing a fire destroy something. He walked outside for his break and lit it up, inhaling as he watch the last traces of smoke fade into the grey skies."

Last night I went to a wedding reception in a backyard, for a couple that I've never met. Also, so did 600 other people, so there was a lot of waiting in lines. The bride was half Polynesian, too, so there was a lot of dancing. And, by dancing I mean us watching people do various hulas, and the haka, and people putting dollar bills in their clothes. All in all it was an interesting night. But, sorry, I am never inviting 600 people to my wedding.

And here are some quotes I have been saving up in my head:

"I was about to tell him, 'yeah, you look like you'd like the cold'."

-Moriah, telling me how she was planning to start a conversation with a bald man, who was evesdropping on us at a wedding.

"You and Noah (Hahn) will have to hang out sometime soon."

"Yeah....I want to go to Texas. I hear there are rattlesnakes there."

-Me, and then Spencer Scribner.

"Mikey, prepare to enter Halo."

-Nick, walking onto the bridge of the Wells Fargo building.

"I know you guys are into that physical activity stuff, so I was just trying to be charitable."
-Austin, making excuses for not picking us up in order to save gas.

I think I would like to write him a book of the stuff that he says and give it to him for his birthday. Maybe 18th, maybe 21st.

"well, he completely deserves this one."
-philip hahn, justifying a shark attack as punishment


--i had a moment, yesterday at work, where i wasn't grumpy about my job situation, and it is this:

my favorite customer, who is old and tall and has a ponytail SPOKE TO ME. which, i guess it is weird that he is my favorite, because he never says more than that he is doing okay, but he is consistent, which makes me feel good. he comes in all of the time, and he at least answers my prompts and smiles if he feels the need. he consistently wears a vietnam vet hat and the same few shirts, without any crazy mood swings like other customers. anyways, i like him because he doesn't mess around. most of the old dudes that come in just want to tell you all of the jokes they can, which is sometimes just fine except it makes for a long day, and most of the jokes are the same. so this guy doesn't talk, except for yesterday he started a conversation with me. i like to think that maybe it was because i was gone for three weeks, and he realized that he missed me. but who is to say.

--shark week. there is something satisfying about watching discovery channel. i feel like my iq has gone up, but really, i have just watched a lot more blood and guts tv than usual.

--another thing i realized, pretty recently, is that i buy hair products just because i want to smell them. it has been the reason for most of my recent purchases. sometimes i even disregard what the stuff exactly does, and just want to buy it because it smells good. so, if my hair looks bad for the next few years, just know that it smells wonderful, when i am falling asleep on my pillow at night.

well, off to bed, and the new arcade fire album, which is actually, so far, wonderful. tomorrow is my brother's birthday, and i am excited to go celebrate with him after half a day of work. summer is going too fast.

here is a scenario:

it is midnight. you are exhausted, but, for the record, that is just what happens during the summer. for some reason you are in a parking garage, outside of a building that is too well lit for twelve am. everything smells like cigarettes, which really isn't so bad, and the man next to you is sweating a whole lot as you both wait for the elevator door to open. and it does, and you look in, and through the lens you see someone just as tired as you are. and someone with enough energy for the whole world to feed off of, and you know, for finally, that you are not crazy, and that this is just the kind of life you have chosen.


so that isn't so bad. i am learning to answer my phone in the night, even when i don't want to know what kind of adventure the other line wants to have.

"Well, you just gotta settle for less in Provo."
-Austin, scolding Philip for wanting real Mexican food, but also realizing what was happening for three years of his life.

i guess my lack of writing has been due to the fact that i am super busy. my life has been full, of the national and of late night visits to parks and lots of photographs. also there have been weddings, and concerts, and not enough time for sleeping. i am learning to live with it, though, and am so grateful for what God HAS given me to do in that time.

Tuesday night I went and took pictures for a friend's band downtown. That was somewhat of an adventure except none of the photos were bright enough, because of it being late, so we will have to retake them. On Wednesday night I did photos at Crestwood, which, if you've never checked it out, is my FAVORITE park. We used to go all of the time when I was little--the moms from church would get together for picnics and all of us kids would go play in the stream. It's hidden off of Creek Road and is a wonderful place to take pictures at night. Some of my favorite shots I've taken come from nights and days at that park. Anyways. Thursday I met up with the lovely Shannon D'Amico to help shoot Mike and Audrey's wedding, which was fun. I am blessed by Audrey, and Shannon too, so it was an honor to serve for and with them. The wedding was beautiful!

Last night I did my last set of photos for a bit, for Jesse and KaLee. They were such a beautiful couple and were so fun to work with! The night before, Jesse had called me and asked if I would be comfortable with him proposing while we were doing the photos. It was so exciting to watch them take that step, and I can't wait to see what God has for the both of them.

So mainly the point of that is that GOD IS SO GOOD. I went into this week working my actual job, and trying to have a good attitude, and I ended it doing the thing I actually love. God has been faithful, when I am not even looking for it, of giving me these opportunities to practice and get better at what I am passionate about. I have been so stressed about school, and what I actually want to do with my life that doesn't involve working at a grocery store. And then, when I am not expecting it, God gives me people that are willing to let me experiment and some days off to work with them. I am so excited, over the next few years, to continue learning and getting better at what I do, if only to glorify God by it. I am so blessed, and I am realizing it more and more every day. Oh, how He loves us! That is what makes it worth it: working early on Sundays, dealing with people, being real. He LOVES US, and that keeps me going during these full days.

My heart is full, yet again. I just wish I could stop dreaming about the Midwest, because I miss it too much for that. Who knew?

"oh, he's getting there manually."
-kenny, on nick taking the stairs over the elevator.

"The thing is, step into what God has for you today."
--Steve McInroy

I have been thinking about that a lot since Friday night, and it is not easy, but it is so good. I am always trying to step into what God has had for me in the past, or what I think he has for me in the future. There is a time where you just have to be content with what is going on in the day-to-day: that is when you see opportunities to serve, grow, and learn where you wouldn't if you were always looking elsewhere. So that's my prayer for this week.

Also on my mind lately is how much I love the outdoors. God has gifted me with Utah, even if I am always wanting to go somewhere else. Yesterday I took a hike with a friend up in Little Cottonwood Canyon. There is something about being up in God's creation away from people and cars. To me there is almost nothing more beautiful than the mountains. At one point we were walking through a gorgeous little meadow with wildflowers everywhere, and the next minute we were at a stream with snow. It made me want to go camping real soon.

So that's that. The weekend is over, and this week is going to be a busy one. 3 days of real work, and 3 days of photography. Sometimes I get them mixed up.

I am, yet again, three weeks and a lot of miles older. And this time I even made the mistake of falling in love, with the Midwest, even with its humidity and mosquitoes. There is something unsettling about the dry, lack of heaviness in the air back home. It is like the start of an addiction, or a romance, because I am already getting anxious to go back out, and October is too long of a wait. Michigan is a hazy childhood memory that I can't wait to relive. My grandma's house was a summer wonderland even through the initial homesickness and fights with cousins. Each time we'd get back on the plane to go home I would look out the window and cry because I never wanted to leave that place.

So anyways, here is to October, and the useless facts I learned on vacation, like that channel 50 is TLC in Des Moines and how to get to the post office in Kickapoo. Also here is to laughing so hard under the stars that you could throw up. I will cherish these memories for a very long time, and I am so grateful for the people God has put into my life. My heart is full, if still aching to be gone for a few more days.


Some things I picked up along the way:

"And then I took the bricks from the backyard, and then I put them in the car, and..OH GOSH....OH GOSH."
"What, Johnny?"
"I just realized how much TV we watched today!"
-Johnny Mitchell, age 10, during a crisis moment in telling Philip how he spent his day.

"Mom, you have to remember your age, because us kids can't keep up with this kind of stuff."
-Johnny, again.

"Oh, did I just start another fire?"
-Judy Hahn, casually during the middle of a story

and after getting home:

"I've been going for the past three years. It doesn't really help, it's just annoying."
-Austin, on football camp in price.

"Wait, do you know those people?"

--Spencer Scribner, after leaving a house we had been at for an hour.

"can i have time to think about this sort of thing?"
-noah hahn, on the phone with a telemarketer.

sometimes i get lost in the west, just to drive somewhere familiar where i can drink three glasses of water and head home. those are the nights.


and for the past, like, 5 days, all my sleep has been running together into not very much, which makes me feel a little bit crazy. i don't know if it is monday or 2011 or what, so i make up the dates when i am at work. when creepster boys just try to be sly and hit on you (when you mainly want to tell them to stop putting so much gel in their hair). plus, my boss is scheduling me on non-normal days. so that isn't very cool. i guess what is cool though is that i am leaving for vacation in something close to fourteen days now.

i enjoy this sunshine that is coming into life, and friendships, and eating tater tots at what is almost one am. goodnight, utah.

"What kind of Dr. Pepper is that? Obama?"
-Collin McInroy, asking another question that made no sense.

i can hear it in your voice, there's always a catch.

sometimes i drive down dark roads and try to sing songs that i don't know the words to yet. which, usually, that doesn't work very well, but maybe it is just my brain trying to tell me that julian casablancas and i go way back. like back to gross middle school hallways, where we all had braces and funny haircuts. or back to driving home late at night from any and most concerts i ever went to. so maybe the words are already in my head. or i am just dreaming.

things are going okay. i've been busy so i haven't had a lot of time to think about a lot of things (except for when i looked at my class schedule for next semester and got super nervous, oops). lost is over, which is a relief, but also so is 30 rock, until the fall, and that isn't very cool at all. oh well. i am getting very anxious to get out of utah and into the midwest for awhile. that should be relaxing, and exciting, and inspire some creativity. i also have a new habit called searching for deals on plane tickets: because i want to go everywhere, and because i work retail, so i can leave. michigan and oregon are in the runnings, i think. i never get to go visit my family, which is weird because they are graduating and aging and getting married in all different places. i miss them.

anyways. i need to eat some peanut butter and jelly, and sleep some more. no matter what, i don't feel like i sleep enough these days. it is time to start exercising and eating well, i suppose. for health.

i need a bicycle. and someone to stop me from eating fast food. and someone to make me laugh, because sometimes things still feel like a little bit of a bummer. goodnight.

one of the latest projects i have been working on. it makes my heart excited for summer and also for life as well.

this is my sundown, and that is all that i am saying about that.

well, i am living in a new house, which is a new adventure! i am trusting God will use it over the next little while. things are picking up and getting busier. on sunday i get to do engagement photos with some friends, and then in july i get to help shoot their wedding. how exciting! now that it is getting warmer i am getting even more anxious to fix my bicycle and go places. also i am anxious for vacation, except that i can't make my mind up very well about what i am doing. i just found out that we might be going to denver at the beginning of june, so that would be a fun little trip, too. summer couldn't come any sooner, i think. things are going to be different this year for sure, and i am thrilled for it. in august i will have lived back up in midvale (or sandy or salt lake or wherever i live) for a year already! time is going by so fast. i am learning to love the little moments, like the old ladies that tell me stories while i am working, or the times i am actually confident in doing sound.

the headache is coming back. time for tea and the gorgeous new national album.

"I still just don't understand how you are getting a 90% in that class."
"It's called fraternizing with the enemy, Karl."
-my brother, showing off his vocabulary, and Karl, talking about their high school english class.

I was your silver lining, but now I'm gold.

Exhaustion creeps in, and hunger, and sometimes I can't decide which is more important to give into. Sleep will probably win but for now I still have a headache. Always it is a headache. Tonight was good, but tonight was also hard and I am learning daily about what it means to follow Jesus. Sometimes it feels ugly, and looks bleak, but He always wins and I trust that.

There are hours of photo edits left for me to do. That part of photography is absolutely no fun.

a dream:

The store got a new system again. The only problem was that it was the same system the hospital had, and the customers had a hard time reaching the screen to sign for their purchases. A lady came by to pick up her groceries after I had spent like, ten minutes sorting her coupons. Before I could ask her what her form of payment was, a receipt printed that said, "Paid in Full". I asked my mother what that meant, since she worked at the hospital, but she just told me it meant I needed to burn the saddle.

After work (or possibly during; dreams are never too clear on time), I got a call from a person saved in my phone as "Fetul Evenson", which was my gross misspelling of 'Fetal'. I had never met a Fetal Evenson, but they had texted me their new number and I had saved it, because of us having the same last name. So I answered, and it was my cousin Lyndsey. I realized that she had just totally misspelled her name in the text to me, and not bothered to change it. Lyndsey announced she was thinking about going to the U of U and moving in with my parents. I was jealous of her living there but I told her to do it.

While still awkwardly on the phone, I was able to interact with a baby named Jet. We actually had a conversation as if he was two or three, and I took him outside so I could pace there (I always paced on phone calls). While outside, we found my brother and a friend of his, who announced that he too was moving into my parents house pretty soon. I told him he would have to meet my cousin when she moved out, because she was still on the phone, and he said, "Like I meet all of your friends, just saying hi and then moving on." I told him to shut-up, so he starting playing with his lighter, trying to smoke it. The baby I was holding was fascinated. He kept reaching out for the glowing flame, and the dude let him touch it. I yelled at him, "Are you CRAZY? I can see you letting Marley lick a flame, but a human baby?! Really?!" He just kind of looked at me, ashamed-like, and I looked at my phone, ready-to-hang-up like, and the baby looked at us, sad, 'dude-i'm-burned'-like. it was a bad moment.

the truth is that if i hear one more person complain about boys, guys, men, etc. i am going to throw up. and then possibly move to another state. or probably i will just yell. we will see when the time comes.

wyoming wasn't so bad today, except for the wind. i love having a cowboy family to go back to. there is something about 180 acres of land that makes me excited. it is a nice thing to have space all around you that isn't just condos or people walking their snobby dogs, or even a mcdonald's. anyways, kim got to ride a horse, and we both fell in love with my aunt's stupid, stupid goat, coco, which is how i imagine she spells it, living on all of that land. maybe i am wrong. they are such a cute little cowboy couple, and by little i usually mean like, 5'5", both of them. when i was younger i always loved my uncle's accent because he said 'warshed' instead of 'washed', which i thought was so cowboy and foreign. aus and i got to help warsh the horses once, up there on the mountain. somedays is it so foolish to want to live there? except i am still always in a hate/hate relationship with wyoming. maybe if we didn't always get stuck there coming back from colorado. or if it had an actual landscape. i mean, dirt is cool, but usually you plant stuff in it is the idea, and the wind doesn't blow it all down.

so here's to that, and one more final, and a lot of days off of work this week. maybe i'll start a project.

On the train, for rare moments, you can see into the car in front of you, and that operator's booth is lined with wood. For a minute you imagine the train is a classy, wonderful thing, like in a Wes Anderson movie. Except, right when you are thinking of all of those nice things, a lady gets on, tripping on whatever her drug of choice is. And she is loud, and obnoxious, and people are holding her back. And it breaks your heart.

School is literally almost done. I can see the end, which is this Friday and also next Thursday. Writing final papers has kept me so stressed that I am afraid it isn't really done after all. I dream of still having classes, even when it is ninety-five degrees and I am in another state. My professors are mad at me because I have missed, like, five days straight, but I just want them to remember that I am on vacation. All that I am ready for is miles and miles of fields. But right now God is just reminding me that he loves me, even when I am miserable and grumpy over finals week. I just need to be content in the situation I am in, which is writing papers. And not sleeping. Basically I am blessed to be in school at all, even though sometimes it sure feels like more of a burden.

Babysitting is almost done, too, and right now I am just so glad that I don't have to be a mother for, like, a whole bunch of years. I don't know how to make kids fall asleep well enough for that responsibility.

"We are having a hookah party. Too bad you couldn't be here right now. I'll take pictures of everyone for you."
-my Mom, calling me to tell me about their night. Provo has really made my parents wild and adventurous.


I have been hanging out with a lot of foreigners lately. Which would be neat, I guess, except we don't speak the same language, so a lot of words get lost in translation. Also, I do not have enough money to go and visit them for at least three years, possibly five, so that is probably not polite.

driving in the rain makes me ache for a home that i can't even remember, outside of the lens of being eight. i want to pack up and go to the northwest for a weekend, even if it is still cold. maybe it will just remind me that i don't need to miss it that much. but gas is probably cheaper there too, so we will see.

but i have literally been packing boxes for a lot of today, and that is always a nostalgic thing to do, because of finding old letters, and photos, and art projects. also, i took three whole weeks off of work, starting june eighteenth, so here's to counting down to that.

all that i am hoping for even now, at the end of the semester, is just a day with no funny car noises or a headache or sore muscles. not even, like, a rockstar boyfriend (which is what i was always wanting for a few years of life, oops), or fifty dollars. also, i would like to not do another group project for two years or so, because, really, who wants to meet up at the u on a sunday? i sure don't. and i am sure tired.

i feel like i have been gone for a month except i haven't. probably i have just been to provo or have had a really bad attitude for a whole month straight. God has definitely been doing things this last week though that i wouldn't expect and it shows me i am a big baby. and i am happy right now. truly happy. utah isn't so bad after all.

so there it is. ask me again in a week and a half how i feel and i will say JUBILANT because school is out. but not because i am working full time. that isn't the reason.

"Of course I am responsible. I have to make up for the vikings who wasn't.....So make sure Marley comes in. And make sure to let Brewster out."
-Kim reminding me how to take care of a house. That kid deserves a whole entire book filled with things he says.

i was on the outside, i was lookin' in...

--Britt Daniels. After the show I still love him, and perhaps even more just because he can play real rock-n-roll, on the spot. When I listen to Spoon in my car now, I smile all the time. That and dream of learning piano. One song down, today, about a whole bunch more to go. I guess these things take some time.

--Selfishly I would love to turn off my cell phone for a week and quit dealing with all of the text messages that keep popping up. Quit dealing with false reality and tired phone calls and Provo always being angry with me. Maybe the real world would give me a medal for that. Except I need to keep in contact with people for silly group projects. So, basically, I blame college for using my cell phone this week, or else I might be tempted to throw it out the window on the interstate. Oops.

--A confession is that My hair is not growing very much anymore. I keep trying but no results. Mainly I think that I will just start washing it less than every other day, even. Maybe that sounds disgusting, but my hair always did look better dirty. Now that it isn't so curly anymore I don't know what to do with it except keep it gross. Weird.

--I love Gary Lutz stories. I read one for creative writing about fifteen times just because I loved it so so much. Probably the smart thing to do would be to buy one of his books real soon.

"I mean, my middle name could be gray area!"
-Ramsey DeGeare, on some forgotten subject.

Back and forth, somewhere in between slightyclosetoSixth North and Provo is where my heart has been this week. I guess I am pretty tired, but it has been a good, long week to reevaluate and even be grateful for the things that don't make sense.

It was the photos she brought. Everything had been vague, a blur until that moment. Life seemed to be fuzzy, and Michael couldn’t shake the feeling that he was always forgetting something. When he felt the gloss of the photo against his leathery hand, though, something inside clicked. He started approvingly through the sequence. At first the gloss just felt good on his hands as he listened to the drone of his daughter’s voice. The air was thick with her words and he didn’t hear them as much as he just heard sounds. The man he perceived to be himself advanced through the stack of photographs again. This time, though, memories began to flood over him like lava pulsating from a volcano, charring and carrying away all things with it. There was the sound of a child screaming, the feel of holding a baby for the first time, terrifying and yet so purely beautiful; the grandeur and illumination of the ferris wheel at the county fair. Michael felt something inside of him that he hadn’t for a long time: clarity. He jumbled through the photographs once more.

"My mother makes bombs."
-My Norwegian brother Kim, being totally serious.

I have probably had, like, a shot of Kahlua in the past ten minutes just by eating these cute little Mexican chocolates. I think I may love them. Today was a good Easter. I got to see some very good friends of mine and play some buumpball, which is SPEED in Kim's language. It gives me hope that Jesus died for me, paying my debt in full, then rose again to be my LIVING SAVIOR. What a beautiful, beautiful thing. And so I am grateful for this family. For drives to Provo. For watching pieces fall off of a backboard, for forgiveness, for green bean casserole, for health.

"Mom, I'm going to prom in California this year."
"Did you brush your teeth?"
-a conversation between the mother and her 15 year-old daughter, visiting from Boise.

I have heard my share of arguments, complaints, and fights this week. But I am happy, usually, and ready for the sun to start shining down.

Today at school, I got off Trax and thought, I am probably allergic to this, because the air literally smelled like allergies. Like a sinister plant smell. I do not understand it, but even right now I keep blowing my nose and having a headache. Probably I could just have a cold, because I am always a few days or weeks behind what my friends are sick with. Sophomore year of high school, this would have been terrible, because I was a hypochondriac, as in, I thought every single thing wrong with me was a bigger problem. I even almost wanted to have a terrible, awful disease just so people would believe me. Collin, or Philip, or maybe both, just kept telling me to stop smoking. That was their solution to coughing and headaches and even bruises. Hmm.

Also, off of Trax, a guy just starting philosophically musing to every single person around him. The whole walk up to school he was reciting, VERY LOUDLY, poetry about humanity, crucifixion, and thought. It was weirder because he wasn't homeless or holding some sign about the end times; he was just some college student. Some man dressed completely like me, but in opposite colors, just kept sideways glancing at me to make sure it was really happening. And it really was, for a long time, and I want to tell the guy to shut up and just let us all listen to our music. But I guess that isn't very nice, so instead I just listened to him until we went opposite directions.

I cannot stop sneezing. I cannot stop drinking mugs and mugs full of tea hoping to feel better. I cannot stop hoping that Lost will just get back to being as good as the Richard Alpert episode.

"Forget the protocol, I'll take your hand right in mine."-Vampire Weekend
(and I cannot help loving that song, because it is just so peppy)

I taught an old man how to use a debit card today. As in, I walked him through how to use it while he kept promising me there was money in his account. Simon and I also played the guess where that accent comes from game, and sometimes I think we should get paid more for boring Sundays. I even ended up back at work six hours later, to buy butter and sheepishly invite my boss to church on Easter. She could definitely use some answers, because the things she tells me keep breaking my heart.

Anyways. Royal Tenenbaums and sriracha come back into my life at exactly the right moments. Naps, too, because I've been able to take two this weekend. The simple things keep me going, and for now I think I will drink a simple cup of tea to get rid of this simple sore throat coming on.

I have been listening to First Impressions of Earth over and over.
"See, I'm stuck in a city, but I belong in a field."

Today was Kristen's memorial service. It always hurts a heart to go to those, but it was a celebration. Her mom, in the past six months, has lost two children. I can't even fathom that. It breaks my heart, but inside of it she knows who her God is. She has an unshakable faith through the most horrid circumstances. I was so encouraged listening to her speak about her daughter. There was peace there that transcended understanding, even though the hurt was so strong. My problems are so incredibly tiny compared, and I sit and complain through them all. WAKE UP.
I was also encouraged just listening to stories about the way Kristen lived her life. She was the one that was genuinely interested in my dreams of going to Africa, and she shared her stories with me as encouragement to GO. I still have that spark in my heart. Who knows when, but it's there. I heard so many stories of lives that she changed, things that she did for her God. She was fearless, and that makes me wonder if I am making an impact anywhere. What are my dreams? What are my GOALS? What do I want to be known for? A few things came to mind:
-I want to go to Africa and teach children, still.
-I want to play music, create, serve Christ with all of me.
-I want to love the lost and share Jesus with them!
-I want to plant churches.
-IMPACT. That word. How do I serve better? What do I do with my passions? What can I do every day to further the Kingdom?

This convicts me. I need dreams, we need dreams. Complacency is a scary, scary thing.

Luke 10:38-42
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me."
But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

When I've read this in the past, I've tended to side with Martha a lot. I've had jobs and other things where people haven't carried their own, so it's easy to see why she was frustrated. She thought that in keeping busy and working, Jesus would accept her. But then I look at Mary. She, before, was the one that I couldn't understand. It bugged me that she wasn't helping because I completely missed the point. Instead of being worried, she had the faith of a child. She immediately sat down and listened to what Jesus had to say. Mary didn't care about the state of her house or the distractions around her. All she wanted was to sit at the feet of her Savior and listen to his words. Martha was more worried about the appearance of herself and her house to Jesus, getting 'distracted with much serving'.
Right here, in such a short passage, the character of Jesus is shown! He isn't harsh with Martha when she complains about the sister she thinks is just being lazy; he speaks to her heart, gently, directly. Jesus says Martha's name twice, just like you would to someone that simply didn't understand. He sees into her soul. Her anxieties and troubles are keeping her from relaxing and soaking in his words--it isn't just the serving. Martha's heart wasn't bad, it was just in the wrong place. She was anxious where Mary was willing to lay it down at the feet of Jesus and just listen.

I think that in some ways I am a lot like Martha, that we can all be a lot like Martha. It is easy, living in this world, to let our anxieties keep us from being STILL before God. Martha also felt like she had to do do do before Jesus would accept her. Instead, he told her to put off everything and just listen to him. It was more important, and is always more important, to be with Jesus. After that we can serve him, gladly and in a refreshed state. Like it says in Hosea, God doesn't want our sacrifices, he just wants us to KNOW Him. How beautiful! Let's all strive to be Mary.

Today Jacob got home from school, then immediately walked up to me and asked me if I knew how to boil eggs. Apparently they have to have egg babies for school, and he cracked his the second he got them. So, really, this afternoon has been spent in a panic over these poor eggs, and now we are boiling new ones. Hopefully he can take care of them for at least one day. I keep laughing about it.

I think, also, that the sunshine is both a detriment and a good thing for my homework. I don't want to sit inside and study, but going outside to read a novel for some English class is no big deal at all. Only nine more days of classes this semester. I even liked this one, minus a breakdown and one online class.

"I put on my robe and went downstairs. I was always putting on a bathrobe and going somewhere to talk seriously to a child."
-Don DeLillo, White Noise
My dad would say that.

I spent Monday, Tuesday night, and Wednesday taking photos for some friends of mine. Mainly it made me consider taking some photo classes, and also realize how much I LOVE music photography! Here are some of the ones I am most excited about:

















I have also realized that I may have a little bit of a crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Oops.

things I want to do this summer:

--know God on a deeper level.
--play sports.
--ride bikes a whole lot.
--garage sales?
--go on vacation.
--get a tattoo (maybe).
--create: photography, paintings, music, food, clothing, words.
--leave my hair long for at least a month.
--get to know my house church better.
--be intentional with people.
--see the ocean again.
--camp.
--serve people.
--go to a lake.
--swim more than normal.
--go to lagoon.
--be at peace with things.

Today I saw a glimpse of myself in someone else, and I wanted to shake them and say,
"Hey, that was me a few years ago. Stop it, it isn't as fun as you think it is."

Instead, I sat back down and drank my Heritage Dr. Pepper. Yup, I found them, in a sketch Provo grocery store. Which is a funny story because I never woke up this morning planning on being in Provo. Except, the more I lived through the day, the more I wanted to be at my parents' house, the more I missed Provo, the more I just missed certain things about my life that used to be. I never did sleep much then but now that sounds great. I am tired of a lot of things and I just want Jesus to come back.

Provo does remind me, though, that God has such amazing timing even in the weirdest things. Shocking thing to realize this weekend. Sobering thing to realize. I am too whiny lately. I need to hang out with some girls that will yell at me.

It's getting to where I only want to listen to Thrice's Water album over and over again until my heart keeps breaking. Driving through cryptic construction signs with tears always rolling down. Hitting all the reds before they slowly turn to green. Loving the night but still wishing it was summer.

"I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like you; 'cause it gives, then it takes away"
-Thrice

"When we were in Iowa....no wait, in my bed..."
-Jonathan Young starting a conversation.

white rabbit came and went.

we had to, for a time, volunteer at a pacific islander student conference, blonde and i. blonde knew more about what was going on than i did, so i learned to follow someone whose judgement made me a little bit nervous. we ended up following students around. the job was simple: make sure they didn't escape. once they were sitting in a room, happily dissecting cow hearts, blonde walked away to relax at a table while i found a purse (like i always seem to do). i took the 'being responsible' route and gave it to someone that looked like they were in charge, then sat down next to blonde to attempt homework. nothing much got accomplished, as the man with one arm too sat down and decided to talk to us both. volunteering and conversation was quickly ended because of other classes interfering.

professor two, real crazy, had eye surgery again. couldn't read, but taught english. we all had to teach ourselves about dumb poetry. maybe one day i will love it, but for right now the only poet i enjoy is frank o'hara. and isaiah, i guess.

one month. two months. three months. the days go by. i dream about trains and running around campus. i search for dr. pepper. i sit on a hill and let the wind give me a runny nose. i let God's truth sink in deep. the days keep coming.

a conversation between jacob and a friend this morning:

"what are you doing?"
"i'm washing my hair!"
"why?!"
"because there is a girl here!"

don't they know they are in 6th grade?

okay public transportation day, except for the creepy ticket check cops. i accidentally keep sitting next to the same man every afternoon when i get on. his stop is right before mine, and he always says thank you when i let him out.


i want to start making art again. also, i think it is odd that in midvale things are named "speed humps", rather than "speed bumps". maybe that is just the generic version of the sign, so it's cheaper.

Those days look like they were real blissful.

the sun don't set on the mystery zone.

I spent two of my weekend nights watching the Olympics with my Norwegian brother Kim, which is actually pretty odd, since I have never watched the Olympics with a guy that wanted someone besides the USA to win. Sometimes I forget that he lives in America all of the time, and I think instead that my parents only have him for the weekends. On Sunday nights he flies back to Norway in first class. They give him beer because that's legal for Norwegians, and he arrives home simply to sleep in a bed that's not mine. Except sometimes he tells me about his American english homework, and I believe him because it sounds like what i do now. So we had a pretty nice weekend, Kim and I, driving all around Provo and Orem and feeding the dog wasabi while Austin worked.

Today I added seven pages to my workshop piece though. And sat in a hot tub listening to Brit Daniels sing all my problems away. I think I am going to go see him in April. Maybe I can even ask him the right way to mic drums since his always sound just so gorgeous. He probably won't mind that my hair still smells like chlorine. Cause it does, because I don't love washing it anymore.

There is a hole on the inside of my mouth, and it is maybe there because of all of the candy I have been eating. There is no one to stop me from eating it all of the time, so now I will just get diabetes. Also it could be there because I am anxious about things lately. But things like that come in waves, I guess.