Well, I sent my last paper to my last professor, and took my last final today, so I'm done.  Like, for real, DONE.

So now comes Christmas, and then, a week later, moving out.  This is strange.  I still feel like everything is moving so fast, and I'm just sitting here taking it all in.  Like that scene from Garden State basically.  I need to pack up boxes and figure out where all of my stuff actually is.  I feel like I've lived at like, 5 houses over the past few years.  There was the first house I actually lived in, where I did too many oil paintings in my room and got so many headaches.  There was the home away from my two homes, where there were so many dogs and it always smelled like a fireplace. I miss that.  There is the home I am in now which is big and chaotic and oh so German.  And the home I am going to--so tiny and in a pretty neighborhood.

I am getting old.  This is weird.

I am still swallowing all the pills my doctor gave me.

Still, despite the fact that they are not working.  Doc says my bloodwork is perfect, but he can't explain the sickness I still feel daily.  He says my cholesterol is a negative risk factor, that I can start smoking more or less, but he says I have an unknown problem.  Is this growing up?  There is no placebo effect here. Affect?  If this is my thorn to bear though, I will be content and praise God that it is not something more horrible.

I miss Greg already.  I want to write him a letter saying how he changed my muscles and was the first person to make me actually gain weight in like, ever.  I am hoping I don't turn back into playdough soon, because I can't make myself run outdoors in the winter and am too poor for the luxury of the gym.

But besides my stomach and the whole gym issue.


I am going to look at apartments for the first time tomorrow.  I guess I am getting older because I am moving up from one bedroom in a large house to more rooms in a tiny house.  I feel too immature for this.  Like I will wake up one morning and realize I'm not twenty-one, but really just thirteen and wondering why I have my own set of pots and pans.  This is a good season for me because none of it has gone according to my plans.  God has shaken up all that I thought my life was going to be.  I will have a college degree in approximately 45 days (or whenever else they decide to mail out my diploma) and I work at a gluten-free bakery.  I don't really feel ready to leave though.  I usually get anxious if I don't have everything planned out in advance, but God's been taking the things I trust in and throwing new ones in my lap. I am fine with these years of not knowing.  They will work for good.

I am leaving college behind today.  Just the classes, not the college-related anxiety.  I still have so much to do--the problem with taking three 5000 level classes at once--and one killer WOD that I hope doesn't kill me.

This feels weird.  Time is confusing.  I don't know what I am going to do after this school sleepiness wears off, but I know God is good.  Things will be okay, despite my lack of plans.

"Never mind our plan making, we'll start living, anyway..aren't you unbearably sad?  Why burn so poor and lonely?  We'll be like torches, torches together."

I have so many words I need to write.  Virtual as fake.  Virtual as potential.  Machines taking over society.  "The Machine Stops".  Forrest Gump.  The Help.  Modern Times.  Fahrenheit 451.  Theses.  Blog.  New media.  Paper.  Paper.  Paper.  I feel like my brain is short-circuiting, but all in all I have been pretty happy about my classes this semester.  This is the first semester I've really felt engaged enough in all that was going on in my classes to answer questions and be a part of discussion.  Usually I just sit back because I can't wrap my mind around what people are saying.  The novel is god to most of my classmates, and it depresses me.  I love words on a page, but I don't think they are much more than that.  Meanings are wrapped up in texts, sure, and it's exciting to dig them up, but when knowledge is an idol it is discouraging to me.  I guess getting out of college will mean both freedom and also a little bit of loss.  I am already beginning to realize how much I will miss the University of Utah.  I have had some strange adventures up there, but I love being on campus so much.  It is beautiful at the U.  I am excited for the free time, I guess, but I don't know where to spend it.  I'm so used to homework always.  I am going to try to catch up on some reading of my own (I keep buying books at the DI that I don't have time for) as well as some Bible study.  I am so stoked.  I'm also going to delve into some film and try to keep an exercise routine going.  This time to relax is going to be good for my heart.

Time to find to a roommate.  Time to get going.  Time to bike away my nervousness.  Time to live for the first time outside of education.

SOLI DEO GLORIA.

I found this that I'd written down awhile ago, from one of my literary history classes or another, and it's pretty powerful.  I feel like I need to share it again.  This amazes me.

"The Parable of the Christ-Knight" (written in 1215 by an Unknown Author)

"A lady was completely surrounded by her enemies, her land laid waste, and she herself quite destitute, in a castle of clay.  But a powerful king had fallen in love with her so inordinately that to win her love he sent her his messengers, one after another, often many together; he sent her many splendid presents of jewelry, provisions to support her, help from his noble army to hold her castle.  She accepted everything as if it meant nothing to her, and was so hardhearted that he could never come closer to gaining her love.  What more do you want?  At last he came himself; showed her his handsome face, as the most supremely handsome of men; spoke so very tenderly, and with words so beguiling that they could raise the dead to life; worked many wonders and did great feats before her eyes; showed her his power; told her about his kingdom, offered to make her queen of all that he owned.  All this had no effect.  Was not this scorn surprising?--for she was never fit to be his maidservant.  But because of his gentle nature love had so overcome him that at last he said, "You are under attack, lady, and your enemies are so strong that without my help there is no way that you can escape falling into their hands, and being put to a shameful death after all your troubles.  For you love I am willing to take on that fight, and rescue you from those who are seeking your death.  But I know for certain that in fighting them I shall receive a mortal wound, and I will accept it gladly in order to win your heart.  Now, therefore, I beg you, for the love I am showing towards you, to love me at least when this is done, after my death, although you refused to during my life."  This king did just as he had promised; he rescued her from all her enemies, and was himself shamefully ill-treated and at last put to death.  But by a miracle he rose from death to life.  Would not this lady have a base nature if she did not love him after this above all things?

This king is Jesus, Son of God, who in just this way wooed our souls, which devils had besieged.  And he, like a noble suitor, after numerous messengers and many acts of kindness came to prove his love, and showed by feats of arms that he was worthy of love, as was the custom of knights once upon a time.  He entered the tournament and, like a bold knight, had his shield pierced through and through in a battle for the love of his lady.  His shield, which hid his divinity, was his dear body, which was stretched out on the cross:  broad as a shield above in his extended arms, narrow below, where the one foot (as many people think) was fixed above the other.  That this shield has no sides is to signify that his disciples, who should have stood by him and been his sides, all fled from him and abandoned him like strangers, as the Gospel says: They all abandoned Him and fled [Matt 26:56].  This shield is given to us against all temptations, as Jeremiah testifies: You will give your labor as a shield for the heart [Lam. 3:65].  This shield not only protects us against all evils, but still it does more:  it crowns us in Heaven....

"But, master," you say, "what was the point?  Could he not have saved us without suffering?"  Yes, indeed, very easily; but he did not wist to.  Why?  To deprive us of any excuse for denying him our love, since he had paid so dearly for it.  You buy cheaply what you do not value highly.  He bought us with his heart's blood--a higher price was never paid--to attract our love, which cost him so much suffering.  In a shield there are three things: the wood, and the leather, and the painted design.  SO it was in this shield: the wood of the cross, the leather of God's body, the painting of the red blood which colored it so brightly.  The third reason, then:  after a brave knight's death, his shield is hung high in the church in his memory.  Just so this shield--that is, the crucifix--is placed in church where it can be seen most easily, to be a reminder of the knightly prowess of Jesus Christ on the cross.  His beloved should see in this how he bought her love:  he let his shield be pierced, his side opened up, to show her his heart, to show her openly how deeply he loves her, and to attract her heart."

I don't know if a lot of people know it but I've been going through a pretty crappy season in my life.  Things are changing rapidly, people are disappearing, and I've struggled to find the joy in all of it.  This gives me incredible hope.  I am loved so incredibly deeply despite all of my great shortcomings.  I can't read this without choking back tears.  The love of God is enough.  It always will be.  

Uncle Tom is in town. He is like Garrison Keillor, but with Alzheimer's. He still has the great stories, even if they're half truths, and he starts up a toast at dinner every five minutes, but he's a southern gentleman at heart. I enjoy Uncle Tom. His descent into oblivion is sad to watch, but I love it when he remembers things and gets so excited.

My heart, my body and my mind are tired. I worked 14 hours today. Retail the day after Thanksgiving is nothing compared to a bakery the days beforehand. I have bruises, burns, cuts, and swollen hands, but I am managing well. One more day and then sweet rest.

letter to my professor:

I woke up in Siberia this morning.  I don't really know how I got there but it has been a frequent trip back and forth lately. Anyways, mornings in Siberia usually start something like this:

Alarm clock dreams to alarm clock reality,
morning Quiet Time with the good Lord
and learning how to dress underneath the covers.

Breakfast in Siberia is a jumble of protein powder, toast and jam, and day-old macarons.  Throw in some burnt coffee and there you have it,folks, the mornings of a forever sleepy college student.  After bundling up in no less than like, ten layers, I walked out into the 19 degree reality and attempted to get into the car.  Siberia hates me, though, and the door was frozen shut.  I yanked at it until I was sure the handle was going to fall off, and then it yielded and I was inside fumbling for the scraper. I got the windows insufficiently clean and made my five minute drive to the bus stop.  Siberia's cold was unforgiving and my fingers were on fire, but I managed to stay alive for my five extra minutes of braving the elements. The bus drove through the twilight zone and back into Salt Lake reality, and we got onto campus with every one intact.  Walking to class was half the battle, though, because University of Utah mountain is made of ice and I'm no ice dancer.  I slipped and slid my way up the hill into the warmth of LNCO, and I am not convinced I want to make the trek to the rest of my classes after all.



And a second letter:

Sorry, Greg, but my love of pastries and staying warm is tempting me to stay away from your class.  Please forgive me for not growing as buff as you want me to.


(Note: I never actually skip crossfit even when I make poor eating choices right before class. I just can't bring myself to do it. Working out on a stomach full of coffee and pastries is pretty miserable in hindsight though. But, as always, the trainer smiles and pretends I am not sweaty and gross, and I stay happy)

"She laughed nervously as she spoke, and watched him with her vague forget-me-not eyes.  She was a curious woman, whose dresses always looked as if they had been designed in a whirlwind and put on in a tempest.  She was usually in love with somebody, and, as her passion was never returned, she had kept all her illusions.  She tried to look picturesque, but only exceeded in being untidy.  Her name was Victoria, and she had a perfect mania for going to church."

-Oscar Wilde,  The Picture of Dorian Gray

I keep reading that paragraph over and over when I open this book.  It is one of the only things reminding me of why I chose this major in the first place.  Language is beautiful, in contrast with 1984, where they try to cut it out day by day.  God is so good to give us these little things to enjoy.  Words, sentences, novels.

What a whirlwind of a few weeks.  Upped hours at work:  flour in my hair and on my glasses, powdered sugar all over my jeans.  Longest school days: messy Crossfit hair and always searching for a microwave for protein on protein. Sometimes these days overlap and I don't know what to make of them.  Rolling orange rolls to rolling out my aching muscles on a foam roller to discussing virtuality.

Leaves are everywhere.  Our backyard has spent the last week or two turning yellow.  I woke up from one nap or another and all of the trees were golden; the whole neighborhood is shades of orange, red, and yellow, with some blandly tan houses in between.  Fall is incredibly beautiful and makes me nostalgic for days in Sherwood, days in Portland, the state of Oregon in general.  55 MPH on the interstates and trees lining everything.  I miss all of my family in that general Northwest area.  I wish I could spend another month traveling around and head up there, but I need to be responsible now probably.

Five more weeks of undergrad life.  I will be nostalgic for this next fall, but right now I am looking forward to the break.  I am going to read some latin american novels, but the freedom of getting to choose my own books might be a little scary.  I need the lists to keep me productive.  I need them to remind me that I do enjoy Charlie Chaplin films, and to tell me what books to be spending time on.

another day in the life

I'm feeling a little bit better today due to the extra sleep and a lot (and I mean A LOT) of airborne.  I don't know what the deal is, but cold meds never do a thing when I'm sick.  It's all about the Airborne/sleep/soup on soup on soup.  Seriously.  My mom made soup a few weekends ago and gave me some to take home, so I put it in the freezer.  Man did that come in handy.  Three bowls of mom's chicken noodle soup and life is always better.  Also, my boss called me last night and told me to get some rest and not worry about working today, so that was a huge blessing.  All in all, I don't have much to complain about.

Today I finally went to the doctor for all of this weird stuff that's been going on.  In case someone's out of the loop, I've been having really bad stomachaches and nausea, and never really actually feel good anymore.  It would be fine if it was every once and awhile, but it's almost every day now.  Basically he told me that I might have ulcers from excess stomach acid (what am I, 45?), so I am taking medicine to help with that/nausea.  If it doesn't go away soon I have to go back in and get a bunch of blood work done.  Hopefully this makes a difference because I am so anxious to feel good again.  It's been a long few month of this stuff.

Other than occassional medical dilemmas, my life is church, work, and school right now.

Church: I love my small group, I love studying Thessalonians and praying together.  I love Saturday nights and seeing the saints worship God together.  I love serving the church by doing sound.  I had a period where I felt so burnt out by sound and so many things, but God is really putting it on my heart and I enjoy doing it SO much.  I absolutely love music and worship so it is super exciting that God has put me in that area.  I am stoked on the few new girls I have been meeting (newsflash:  there are single girls!) and God has been using new friendships to heal wounds from old ones.  He is so faithful!  I am in love with a perfect and sovereign God.  AT offered us a challenge at small group last Wednesday to  serve or encourage at least one person a day,  stemming from Paul's urging of the Thessalonians to  "increase and abound in love for one another and for all".  This has been an incredibly encouraging project.  My heart is selfish and lazy, but even praying for someone can be such a service and blessing in their life.  God, help me become an encourager!

Work: My job is so fun! Again, God is amazing, and I still am surprised I even was able to get the job I did.  It's been about a month now, though, and I am getting a lot better at baking than I was at the beginning.  I make orange or cinnamon rolls every day, and usually a whole lot of other things.  My coworkers are pretty cool, and I've been able to talk to some of them about Jesus.  My boss is also super awesome and it's been so fun getting to know her!  I love working for a small company.  This is the first job I've had where I'm not working for some big corporation.  I mean, I worked at a school district once, but even that was pretty organized.  This feels so much like a family, and it's cool to know that money is going back into the local economy rather than Corporateville, USA.  Plus all of our customers really appreciate what we do for them.  I have had people come in crying because it's the first time they've been able to find gluten free food that tastes like homemade cooking and is decently priced.  This is the kind of place I feel so happy to be working, even if it means early mornings and messy clothes.

School: Five more weeks of college.  I really can't wrap my head around this because it feels like the semester just started. GS told me how much stronger I was the other day.  Blush blush blush.  I just finished reading Brave New World and Invention of Morel.  I am seriously loving all of these Utopian Novels.  Before BNW it was a book called We by a Russian author.  I would highly recommend it if you're into 1984 or other Utopian literature.  I couldn't put it down.  I'm rereading 1984 right now, as well as Portrait of Dorian Gray.  Seriously, I don't know if I could've planned a better last semester; all of my readings so far have been so good (give or take a few articles and books).  My other English class is straight films, and readings about gender stuff.  We've watched some pretty interesting ones, and I think we'll be watching Modern Times, Bladerunner and Avatar to finish off these next few weeks.  Can someone please tell the U that Bladerunner isn't really that exciting?  I watched it for my genre class this semester already, and I watched it a few semesters ago for a film class.  Seriously, it's okay, but it isn't THAT good....

So all in all, my life is pretty good.  God is good.


Soli Deo Gloria.

I somehow managed to get sick again, for like the fifth time this year.  Basically this means that I can't really sleep, breathe, or concentrate because my head is just pounding.  I can't wait to feel better.  Tomorrow I conveniently have a doctor's appointment for some other problems, so I am hoping that if this is a sinus infection (which is what it feels like), that I can get some meds and feel better quick.  I don't really have the time or the patience to stay in bed all day, and I know that is why it always takes me so long to heal.  I am so stubborn when it comes to being sick.  Today I was actually responsible and didn't even go to crossfit, but now I am wishing I had done something active because I feel so sluggish and lazy.  Oh well, this is the life of a cold patient.  My head is hurting too bad for me to look at my computer any longer.  I have a lot to write about but it will just have to wait I suppose.

"I used to teach 7th grade, but then I got mad and made some kids cry and probably pee so I stopped"
-Tim C. on why I should be a teacher (right after a story of ten kids talking to him at once)


Sounds appealing.

"I have found that I usually imagine that things are going to turn out badly.  This tendency started about three or four years ago; it is not accidental; but it is annoying."

-Adolfo Bioy Casares, The Invention of Morel 

Unfortunately this describes me pretty well.  I am a hypochondriac, a believer of the worst, a worrier, a grump.  Maybe this is due to past experiences, but I read this in a book for school (case two of being an English major actually doing my faith good this week) and it really convicted me.  God has GOOD plans for my life.  I am so blessed by all of the good that is happening in my life.

-wonderful small group, wonderful friends
-Fall weather
-bakery job and a soon to be second job making coffee
-warm bed (so happy this time of year!)
-full stomach
-21 soon

and I could go on further.  But anyways, I am a little exhausted and I have yet another film to watch for school.  This week I start reading Picture of Dorian Gray and 1984.  This semester has been such a good one for readings, give or take a few books.  I will probably even keep most of them so I can reread them later.  Films, on the other hand, are another story....

"But I like the inconveniences."

"We don't," said the controller. "We prefer to do things comfortably."

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
-Brave New World.

I love all of these Utopian novels I am reading. Utopias arise out of men trying to fix what men have destroyed, and life is still so miserable. There is no true solution. Only God can create a beautiful society and I cannot wait to see the perfection of Heaven.

six more weeks of college. 


I don't know if I can take it. 

Utah lovin'

Let the photos speak for themselves because I am speechless. God is incredible to let me live here. Disclaimer: these are all at the expense of my Mazda, so if you have a wimp car, find someone with an SUV and enjoy the canyon without wrecking your engine.

Things my dad and his brother talk about

After not seeing each other for years (a short list):

-boxers and how great they are
-guns
-knifes
-hunting
-hippies
-welfare
-occupy Wall Street
-more boxers
-their messy ex-brother-in-law
-politics
-bee stings
-knee injuries
-how said bee stings will cure boxer joint problems

Oh and then some.

I have seen extended family this year, on both sides, that I haven't seen in at least five years. It has been so much fun to see them again and I am planning some road trips to do this more. I need to get out to California and DEFINITELY Portland. It has been far too long since I've been back to Oregon and my uncle made me realize all that I miss about it today.

I love my extended family so much, but I am encouraged every time that my parents live the way they do. Hearing my cousins in Michigan obsess over body weight or my uncle tell crazy stories makes me so grateful that I was raised by parents that love Jesus first. It shines through their lives and their love...what a blessing!

A quick note to GS:

I told the U how good of an instructor you are today.  So would you like to eat steak with me now?   I will even suffer Paleo with you.  Please say yes.

Sincerely,
The Weakest Link.


Except really, I am not the weakest anymore, and I truly feel so happy about that.  I finished my WOD/Final today in 5:10, so that was a big accomplishment, since we were given double that time to do it.     My body is feeling so healthy, except for the days that I lapse in judgment and eat poorly (which usually coincide with the weekend...ouch).

This week I will be halfway through my last semester of college.  EVER.  I don't really know what I am going to do with my time outside of reading all these books and watching endless amounts of film.  I better pick up a new hobby I guess.  Maybe I can become a painter (tried and failed once), or a graphic designer (made one mediocre piece), or scrapbooker (too. much. paper.) or just work on writing creatively (best choice).   I feel like I haven't written a decent creative piece in over a year.  I miss sitting down and letting the sentences flow.  I think that when I don't have to write critically all the time this will become easy again.

Fall still isn't here really.  Utah is on its own moody time frame.  I keep getting tricked into wearing flannel, but by the afternoon I am always sweating.  I still haven't really learned how to dress for weather here, after like, 13 years.  I am absolutely smitten with this state lately though.  I have a wonderful church and friends that I love dearly. The mountains are also so lovely at this time of year, and all of the time really.  I can drive for ten minutes and end up in one of two canyons by my house.  This is what my dreams are made of.  I am absolutely a mountain person.  All those weird dudes that abandon their city lives and go live in the woods--I would do that in a heartbeat if I didn't think it was the opposite of what God has for me.  I may be stuck in a city when I belong in a field, but that is where God has CHOSEN to stick me, and that is where I will stay for the time being.

So much going on in my life, I don't know where to start.  Ch-ch-changes, as David Bowie would say.  God is shaking things up in big ways.  I will write more on them later, but I have a bakery to get to in the morning.

My heart feels full of a thousand different aches and worries today, ones that I don't feel like speaking of right now, but all I can do is take hope in this:

Cast your burden on The Lord and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
-Psalm 55:22

God is willing to bear this load for me, and that gives hope to my tired soul. Small group last night brought me to tears and was such a blessing. Utah is alright, and while I wanted to drop it all and end up in Michigan today, it is good to be here. God is allowing trials in my life for a reason and I am happy to lean on Him ever the more.

A small part of today that I want to bottle up and keep for laughter's sake:

The neighbor behind us just spent the last five minutes trying to call in his dog from the backyard.  The dog is a boxer, which, if you know me, is my favorite dog.  They are so goofy and sweet, and mostly they act like three year olds all the time.  I have been in this neighbor's place so many times, and I know how frustrating it is, but he was just so passive aggressive about it.  Not too loud, not angry at all.  He called the dog, waited a bit, called the dog again, and told it he needed to go somewhere so it should come in.  Wait.  Call.  Wait.  Call.


But my favorite part, besides the boxer/little kid thing?

Its name was Jedi.

"Jedi, come.  "Jedi, come inside!"  "Jedi, c'mon, I need to go somewhere!"  "C'mere Jedi!"

I will miss living in a rich neighborhood for these reasons.  And for

--The couple that walks their dog at midnight all the time
--The man that covers his entire front yard with blow-up figures for Christmas and any other holiday he can find them for
--Neighbors with peach trees to make crumbles from
--Nighttime adventures with Steph
--Being so close to the freeway
--The neighbors next door with the same old BMW in three colors
--Teenage boys playing basketball outside my window all hours of the night

Well, maybe that last one was a lie.  But I have been incredibly blessed being here for the past two and a half years.  So excited to see where the next few take me.  I just hope they involve moments like this.

Today in crossfit GS's phone got ran over by a golf cart, right in the middle of us learning box jumps. I thought I'd see a scary fight but he stayed cool. Needless to say, that was the most interesting part of today. Today was burpees & box jumps, followed by some runs. So like, 10 burpees/box jumps, run, come back and do 9 burpees/jumps, then run, all the way down to one. I got to my 7th set before time ran out and had started my 8th out of 10! The body does such neat stuff! I am constantly shocked at what it can withstand.

I enjoyed my love, the mountains, yesterday. They are a form of healing to a very tired heart. I guess that seems ironic, but it is true. Whenever I see the sign that says "You are now entering Wilderness", like it is one specific place (like Salt Lake, or Boise), I always get so happy. God is wonderful to put me where he did, even though it took years to realize it!

Two posts in one day and I feel like I am back in high school.

I am having a great relationship with Crossfit.  Like, it is making me weak in the knees.  Literally, actually.  Mostly this is because I am so shocked I can do strong people stuff, but the incredibly handsome GS helps too by always giving me high fives and saying how I am awesome.  Blush.  I always go to my next class sweaty and disgusting and full of protein, but I don't really care because I am so happy.  We are supposed to try paleo for the next nine weeks, but paleo and I didn't do as well together last time.  I am too hungry to plan out my meals well enough.  Today we did a 400 M overhead lunge and as everyone else was so grumpy and pukey I kept thinking, "alright, this is a challenge".  I am thriving in this environment, and now all of my english classes seem so stuffy, except, ironically, the one where we mostly watch film clips.

I accidentally lost a whole entire paper to a Mac. This might be turning into a love/hate relationship instead of a love/love one.  I somehow have to come up with four pages that are almost exactly the same, but the thing about English papers is that I just B.S everything, and the B.S. drive that exists in my body (yup, I've been watching bladerunner) is dead.  Good thing for an extension. 

My body is now used to waking up at 4, 5 AM, but not at going to bed so early.  These are long weeks ahead.  I am glad I can find rest in the Lord, because I am feeling a little weary. 

bakery musings

I forget that I am wearing normal glass and not sunglasses a lot, which means people actually know I am staring at them while I am waiting for Trax.  Sorry parked car people.

because

So starting a new job is interesting.  I have woken up at 4 AM for the past four days straight.  I don't really mind it because I have to be up at 5 for school anyways, but it is weird to get used to.  Anyways, besides the sleep thing, I have been super stressed for the past few days.  I absolutely love my job and love baking, but, to be honest,  I am way under qualified for the job I am doing.  This has meant a lot of worrying, because that is my nature.  I have a problem with being anxious when in reality I should not be anxious in anything with my God.  Yesterday I felt really discouraged everyone else was doing better than me.  The worry got in my head and told me that I wasn't good enough and I shouldn't be doing the job I am in and that my boss might want to let me go.  I went home more than a little anxious about work.  I mean, I've never started a job and not been able to pick it up fast. I decided the worrying wouldn't help me at all so I gave it up to God and planned to keep on working hard.   

So that brings me to today.  Everything went perfect.  Like literally, I can't envision a better day.  God is so good and so faithful to my foolish, untrusting heart.  The first thing I do when I get to work every day is make cinnamon rolls.  Cinnamon rolls, even with plenty of baking experience, are a pretty complex recipe, and working with gluten free floor is that much more difficult.  Yesterday mine all looked like giant blobs with maybe some hint of a swirl.  Today everything rolled out perfect and they looked like an advertisement! I was able to get far more done today, and at a much faster pace.  I left work feeling so much more confident and excited about baking and about God's incredible goodness.

And then He just kept on going.  My boss texted me a couple hours after my shift and told me how amazing my work was today.  She even asked me to write down what I did so we could let my other coworkers know!  The point of all this is not that I am so amazing, or even that I know what I am doing, but that I have such a faithful God.  He loves to bless me more than I even deserve.  I am so in awe of Him and the work he is doing in my life.  So many encouraging things are going on in my life and I can point them all back to God! This is the best life.  

Taste the happy, Michael.  

"Now Tom, he had the worst teeth I'd ever seen. Really, they were terrible. It was pathetic."-Harry, on his own son

"And he is friends with all the Tongans..."
"Tongan, what is that? I have never heard of that in my life."
-Dixie

"I tried to teach him to talk, but he wouldn't so I just named him Dummy."
-Dixie, on her new pet bird

I just found these gems somewhere.  I miss my California family.  Maybe it is time to go to Huntington again in the near future.

Milestone: I went to bed at 8 PM last night and it felt so wonderful. Except for what my body did is woke me up at 2 AM with horrible dreams. So there's that. I left my house at 4:30 this morning, which meant that I had the roads to myself. Everything is prettier when there aren't people all over the place.

Today is just one of many oddly long days. I am almost. done. with. college. Is this real life?

George: "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary."
Mary: " I'll take it. Then what? "
George: " Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much? "

-It's a Wonderful Life

My little organized heart is getting rearranged and it is a little scary for me.  I am used to order and 9 to 5 and the same friends wanting to hang out with me.  All of these were tossed aside in the month that i disappeared to the Midwest. I am still sad sometimes, but mainly I cannot wait to see what God is doing in my nearimmediateandfaroff future.

I got my dream job, two weeks to the day after I got back to Salt Lake.  I am going to be baking at a cute little bakery downtown.  I applied, thinking it was a waste of time.  All of my baking experience is either at home or with my grandma.  So, when she called me last week I truthfully couldn't even remember that I applied, but by that afternoon I had a job.  By the grace of God I am there along with people that have gone to culinary school or worked at bakeries.  It has been a test on my heart because everything is still totally out of control, due to trying to open a brand new shop.  Basically what that means is that I am never quite sure when I am supposed to work.  It will be sorted out in the next week, though.  I am so happy to have a sweet boss and a fun job! This is going to be an adventure.  I am excited to learn so many things in the kitchen...hopefully they will translate into real life (unless I am a zombie from waking up so early)! Hah.

I am still feeling sick, like, every day.  I keep trying to cut out certain foods, or pay attention to what causes it, but it seems to be pretty random.  I have a doctors appointment at the end of the month to hopefully get some answers. I am getting pretty tired of not being able to eat anything without feeling horrible, so needless to say, these have been a few pretty stressful months.  I am hoping it is just some sort of food allergy. 

School.  Crossfit is my favorite class.  I love having sore muscles and downing protein shakes in other classes.  But really, I'm not being sarcastic.  My body is slowly getting stronger and it feels so wonderful.  My other classes are alright, I suppose.  Lots of film this semester, and a whole class on Utopian novels.  It's a sleepy semester for sure.

Sound, football, birthdays, early mornings coffee, Fall. These things don't need paragraphs.  This is my favorite time of the year.  

My hair smells so good I literally can't believe that smell is coming from me. I might have to indulge in expensive shampoo more often.

So just some very basic updates:

--I quit my job before I left to Michigan, which means a lot of free time for the past week and a half I've been back.  I have a nannying position at night but I haven't actually started.  Here goes being a pretend mom five days a week.  I think I will enjoy it.

--I started crossfit with a very handsome professor and it is kicking. my. butt.  I don't think my body has ever done anything like this.  It is the toughest class I have this semester, which is saying a lot, but I like it.  I am trying to eat paleo, but I can usually only do it for two meals a day so far.  I am hoping it will get rid of at least some of my stomach problems. 

--This is my last semester of college.

And besides the basics, I am realizing that I don't really want to leave school.  I have not felt like this until now and so I am trying to figure out what to do with it.  When it comes down to it, I love wandering campus a little bit too much.  I love my english classes this semester and searching for TC in corridors all around (I am still creepy).  I love FOOTBALL games, which I had never experienced until this semester.  There is something to be said about college, so maybe I will be a forever student after all....or at least a five or six semester one.  I guess we will see how my classes go this semester.

I feel so happy about my life right now. 

If I went to confession, what I would have to admit today would be this:
   That when I am going to Catholic church with my grandma, I purposely leave my nail polish chipped and ready to be picked at so that I have something to do during the service.

This isn't because I don't like church (even though sitkneelstand is a hard concept for me) but mainly because her priest is Indian and I can't understand a word he says.  Plus, everyone is like, 90, and always coughing loudly into the air. 

I think, if I was allowed to be more selfish, I would stay here forever.  There are so many things to be baked, so many forests and lakes and lighthouses to explore, so many happy Canadian accents.  There is my darling grandma, who has been reading to us from her high school diary every night.  My favorite gem from the other night's reading?
"Jim didn't call tonight.  DAMN DAMN DAMN."
This is the woman I want to grow up to be like.  The strongest, most patient, wonderful woman.  Someone who has lived on her own for the past 17 years and never complained.  She thinks of my grandpa daily but she keeps living, living living, refusing to be forever sad, and I love her all the more for it.


But my heart is starting to accept that I have to go home.  The Midwest is the most wonderful place on Earth, I truly believe it.  The air is thick and smells wonderful, everything is green and there is finally open space.  But, I have a church.  I have a select few people counting on me, and those few are enough to keep me from cutting my ties to Utah, ties I'm not sure actually exist.  And then there is school, and my fun new job.  So there are those reasons.  I may be accepting it, but my heart isn't ready to be content with it yet.  I am afraid of the same thing that always happens, which is that I end up itching to go right back.  This place feels like home to me, more than sleeping in a bed in someone else's house. 


God is good.  This is going to be a wonderful fall.  I will think of Michigan fondly every day, but there are just things I need to finish.  I must finally be growing up.

"This tastes like five different kinds of dairy, all at the same time!"
-Garrett Anderson, eating creme brulee.

"You are not just a sinner saved by grace.  If that is what you think you will just keep sinning. You are a SAINT, and if you realize that you will act like one." 

-a poorly paraphrased Bill Young.  

I love this.  

The three iPads went off on another adventure today to somewhere with an ocean and humidity.  I wish I could accompany them on these adventures, but I am left with temperamental PC to watch the house and water the flowers.

I have gotten worse at writing because I save my words for the notebooks and weekly cross country phone calls.  These things are making me anxious to travel again.  Forty-four days until I am back in Michigan.

For now, here are some photos of recent Utah adventures (and they're all from a phone, so ignore the poor quality)

Mexi-mochas and candy

Bummed about Collin's musical taste

This old train was pretty cool, and scary.

 

one of my recent favorites, from Steph:

"I have the kind of blood I can give to the whole world, but I just keep going to Mexico all the time."

It may just be the sickness talking, but when I watched Kristen Wiig's farewell on SNL today I got a little bit teary-eyed. They were all fighting back tears too and it showed the intimate part of that relationship you don't see on TV. But anyways.

While  I was editing photos, I accidentally hit the wrong button, and, instead of giving my client (yes, it's weird to call someone a client) perfect skin I multiplied their zits.  Kaylee Evenson: making you look bad since 1991.  What can I say?  This is a measure of the exhaustion I am feeling.

I've been drinking lots of lime water and eating vegetables and running, and all of the while pretending that the hours aren't counting counting down.

Two things, that if I think them to myself real quick, can make me laugh.

1.  The story of yesterday at work, how between running to the bathroom to throw up, Jakob showed me a check that someone had tried to cash.  The check was just made out to "Photographer".  No name, no other details, as if we'd look at it and know exactly the person it was meant for.  Imagine going to the bank with a check made out to "Barista", or "Salesman", or even "Kid that works at McDonald's".  Anyways, the guy got real upset that we didn't want to give him the cash right away.  I still imagine this scenario in my head and cannot get over it. 

2.  A cute conversation between Ten and Leo tonight:
"Leo, what sound to bears make?"
"Loud Noises!"

I have finished my Spanish career, with a few embarrassing "ummms..." and "how do you say...?"' moments during my oral exam.  This is a weird feeling.  No more four day a week treks up to campus.  No more pretending I know what everyone around me is saying.  No more trying to remember just where in the world the dumb accents go. The thing is, though, is that I think I will miss it.  A lot.

Outside of University of Utah mountain, life is in a good place.  I love doing sound, I love more days that are meant for outside, and I love the people I get to spend my days with.

What a sappy blog post.  I feel like there is just too much to say about everything, but I'd rather keep it short.

my life is full of good things.

a photo from the cute tea shop i keep going to.

it's fun but only snobs work there so that's a bummer.

it's been a refreshing week.  i've been spending a lot of time with old friends.  you don't realize how bad you miss someone until it's midnight and you're making guacamole together.  God's timing is so perfect and humorous even.  

so about work.  my boss approved me for a month leave.  i don't have to feel ashamed talking to my coworkers about michigan now, because i signed away my paychecks to some vp today.  in other work news, though, i passed a test, which basically means i will have to be on main cash someday soon (which i have nightmares about) and can count out $10,000 in cash without blinking.  scary stuff.

about school: i will miss my classmates after my last semester of spanish, i think. the girl next to me always talks to me about what i am going to do with my life, and also tells me that i look like the kind of person that would watch indie films.  she chomps her gum, but i am starting to get past it because she is just so nice.  one more semester and i will be holding a degree in my hands.  if i will be using it is to be determined i guess.

life news.  i'm hanging in there.  and some days i still cry for what i say is no reason.  and some days i am blissfully happy.  God absolutely is faithful in my trials, big or small, and i will praise him throughout. 

"it's a true story, which is a bummer because i hated it."
-moriah glazier.

"what the H is this kid doing with so much cash?" -b.s's passive aggressive rant, before realizing the drive up microphone was still on. I got a good laugh out of that one.




 I just booked tickets for a one month trip to michigan, and I am afraid I will never want to come back.

The Ben Stiller Guy keeps coming to my branch.  That's the only way I could remember him, but now all of my coworkers call him that too.  Everyone hates the poor guy because he has like ten business accounts and is always doing outrageous things with them.  Even my ABM tells me how much he can't stand him, because he is like a needy little kid.  The thing is though, is that I just can't hate him.  I think this is because I am a Christian, but also because of the whole Ben Stiller thing.  Every time I see him, regardless of the crazy antic he has planned (like coming in at five to close and asking me to help him do his payroll), I just think of The Royal Tenenbaums.  Specifically, one of my favorite scenes, right after Eli has crashed the car into the wedding:

"It's been a rough year, dad."
"I know it has, Chazzy."

 Anyways, I can't be mad at a man that's lost his wife in a plane crash.  This, also, is a conversation I feel like I have had with my dad lately.  It's been a weird few months to say the least, and I am just now settling back into my life.

I also realized I've never given a good run down of my coworkers, who, generally, are worthy of a story.

There's SM, who has been in a long distance relationship for like, 4 years, with a man she barely even loves and isn't even that good to her. 

There's RG, who is a year older than me, and has been married for 4 years and has a baby.  RG is always giving me concerned looks.  

There's JF, who sends me hipster jokes on my day off, and we share pills when we are sick.  this is a good relationship.

There's NA, who has been engaged for the whole year we have worked together but is finally getting married in the spring.  i like her because she always bounces wedding ideas off of me, and it makes me feel like i'm in on a secret.

There's TH, who i don't really actually know that well even though we've been working together for quite awhile.  she is the mysterious one probably.

There's BS, who has funny initials and is a closet hipster.  BS knows everything about sports there is to know, and also loves pulling pranks.

And finally there is new girl, who, when i asked her about her weekend once, told me it was great but didn't manage to tell me she'd gotten engaged.  

there are more but those are the ones i actually see frequently. i feel like i've been at this job for ages.

So, what happened this week was that I took an accidental mini-vacation.

Except that vacation was to Provo, and basically it cost as much as a flight to somewhere exotic.

My car finally gave up on life and had a small breakdown, which ended in it overheating in a Walgreen's parking lot. So that was cool, except that it put me out a lot of money. I had fun hanging out with Collin and Tony though. Village Inn (which still, gross), darts, lame movies, DI, and taking photos. Provo always feels like a vacation because there is never anything that has to get done and everyone just wants to sit around and eat junk food.

So there's that part of my life.

I wish I had interesting adventures to talk about. There's the time I ate Mexican food for three meals, and then bought vegetables and fruit because I was worried about my health (which was actually yesterday and today), or the day I worked an eleven hour bank shift. But neither of those things are exciting. I need to make more adventures.

i went up into the mountains today, with my brother and my dad, plus philip and a few other people. we make such an odd group. austin was wearing his marine outfit, and i was wearing old riding boots that my grandma gave me. anyways, i loved all of the hiking (and some of the shooting) part, until i thought that i was getting frostbite and my toes were going to fall off. even though i am from a state that has more ocean than mountains i am definitely a mountain person. what i want to be doing every moment of the summer is hiking. climbing higher and higher, seeing all of the trees, finding a lake and jumping in it. mountains are one of the great joys God has created for us.

all i really know to say is that the past few weeks have been so interesting. lots of tears. lots of laughter. i am getting so anxious for spring to come and for school to be out.

"have the broncos ever gone to the superbowl?"
-izzy hahn, halfway through the game last night.

it has been a hard few days.

it feels good to drive somewhere you haven't driven before, especially in the middle of the night. i always feel like i should just keep going, which basically resulted in me getting off at a wrong exit and getting lost once again. that is an okay feeling too, unless you
1. have someone waiting at the airport for you

or

2. are the kind of lost called hopelessly.

luckily only one of these things was my problem tonight, so i was standing somewhere in the middle.

--work and school are making me so sleepy, but i'd be a liar if i said i was miserable. more like, i'm in a permanent haze.

--this next month is going to be interesting. my life has hit an interesting point of where i have no idea what is going on. i feel like my friendships are changing so drastically. so basically i'm standing here and i know that God is good regardless of where things end up.
--i want to travel, travel, travel. this is starting to take up so many of my thoughts. michigan. virginia. portland. south america.

a few nights ago tony told me a story about this couple he use to see around fort collins. they were an older couple and they would always sing karaoke. they would only sing duets. every duet was a johnny cash song, or something close to that. anyways that story will not come out of my head and i think it is so sweet.

that's all for today.

it was truly a joy for me to do sound tonight. sometimes it just feels good to do a little hard work. God has given us exciting ways to serve Him!

i feel like my rare saturday off is such a privilege, so i always pack it so full. i went down to the provo church, then hung out with collin and tony for awhile on friday night. it's always fun spending time with those guys because we can just sit there for hours and do nothing together. it's relaxing. this morning i woke up nice and early to go see devin and chianne off as they get ready to go to north carolina (and for devin's birthday!). i spent some nice time with my mom too, running errands and making a budget. she is such a smart woman. i hope one day to know half of the things she does about finances and life and being so patient. haha. so basically the night ended with church, and sound, and also pizza and listening to pinback songs on repeat. i feel so incredibly exhausted and also encouraged by the people i get to spend my weekends and nights and every days with. utah is home, even if my heart is always pulling towards other states. it feels good to say that.

So don't play with me 'cause you'll play with fire.

Today a man was getting into his super secret, lock-and-key, ultra private safe deposit box. And he called me over, like, "hey, come here for a second". So naturally, thinking he probably had a gun in there (because that's happened) I walked over.

"hey", he says, "have you ever seen real silver before?"

To which he holds up some giant Australian coins and puts them in my hands. It is funny when people stop being private for small moments and allow you into their lives. Into their 3' by 5' shoebox life protected by metal and locks.

It's, on the other hand, hard to think that those things are hope for people. They think hope fits in a box in a bank and it just doesn't.

These are my long days. Work and school are taking over any brain power I have for other activities.

sixteen days.

sixteen days has felt like a very long time and also a very short time. in sixteen days you can end up with:

four holes in your mouth (which also means drysocket, and ouch)
a whole new semester of seventeen credits.
happy days and sad days
dreams about the days beforesixteendays.
a new understanding of God.

which, obviously, that last part is the only important thing. God is enough and will be enough for hundreds of thousands of days. there is more joy to be found in waiting on the Lord than anything else in my life. i came in bitter, and i am being refined and taught that i have all the time in the world. God's plan for my life is absolutely perfect and i am blessed in the next fifteen days and all of my days.

the weird thing about having surgery (even if it is minor and doesn't hurt that bad) is that every treats you like a princess. like, my parents went to the grocery store and bought me french bread just so i could eat the soft middle part and throw away the crust. i always wanted to do that when i was a kid, but they would just look at me, like are you crazy? this is a luxury i am glad to have experienced at least once.

what is not as cool though is falling asleep like every five minutes. i do not know how people get addicted to pain medicine because it is turning me into a very dizzy, nauseated zombie. i keep sleeping through movies i have been looking forward to watching. i somehow managed to not fall asleep through the original footloose though, and i do not know why, because i would have rather watched any of the other movies here. oh well.

i am going a little bit stir-crazy, but i still do not want to go back to classes. spanish is too tiring anymore. i feel like i am taking a science class because nothing makes sense. as for my four other classes, they are just computers, so i can manage okay.

if i find one more bb on the floor, i am reporting spencer to the government as a terrorist.

things are going funny right now. four of my five professors are computers. i never even see them, but i judge them based on how good their powerpoints are or why they are using comic sans to write a textbook. i am also spending a lot more hours at work, with jakob and russell, who says 'literally' all of the time like chris. our members are all so happy and friendly lately. it is not hard to go to work except that i am tired of dress clothes. all of my pants are too loose so it looks like i am wearing yoga pants.

friday my wisdom teeth are coming out. i hope this doesn't affect my ability to watch the weekend football games without falling asleep.

everytime I get home from a trip I bring a sickness with me. This year it's the cough of a thirty-years-of-smoking veteran. So that is sort of a bummer. The cool thing though is that today at work a lady looked at my MALE coworker the whole time I was talking, because she thought I was a dude. So that is actually not that cool, but really funny.

Four whole days. That is a long time.

"Look at those people. They are such gorillas."
"Noah, do you mean granolas?"
"Oh yeah, those."
--A normal day with Noah Hahn, age 14.

I have been so lazy with writing, mainly because I feel like my heart has been so numb for the past few months. Honestly I feel like I have been numb since the summertime or long before.

And then Faithwalkers.

Every year I go to Faithwalkers during such a time of spiritual dryness. It gets discouraging because in my head I worry that I will get nothing out of it because of my callousness. Always, though, I come away amazed by God's constant patience and willingness to work with me. God loves me when I am discouraged or in a rough place and he shows himself to me in even bigger ways. This year I was blown away by the love of God. I feel like I need the whole entire year to unpack all of the incredible teachings and breakout sessions that I went to. I am so encouraged to see God working on my heart and literally peeling away the layers of callous and distrust that have built up. Steve Nelson's teaching broke my heart for relationship with God. Nothing else I try to pursue is even remotely worth what I receive from relationship in Christ. It breaks my heart to think of all the things I have put before him and how it makes him feel. Steve shared the story of Ezekiel 16, which is pretty brutal and horrible, but such a picture of our relationship with God when we seek other things. So that leads me to a new year and a lot of changes. The Bible is a source of joy, not something I have to read. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of 'reading because I have to'--and there is no fulfillment in that. God's word will never return void, but I do not want to pursue God religiously or emptily, I want to know His heart.

So that leads into this new year. I don't expect it to be easy, I honestly don't want it to be. Mitch (I think) spoke about crushing everything that gets in the way of God and that is what I want to do--even if it means evaluating relationships (which ends in crying over the phone, like always). Even if it means less selfish time to myself. This is going to be a big year, a year of, by the grace of God:

-Moving out

-Traveling
-Finishing school

-Waiting on God's perfect plan and timing
-GRACE. Faith in action. Hope for the future.

I am excited. I am terrified.

SOLI DEO GLORIA.