"Look at those people. They are such gorillas."
"Noah, do you mean granolas?"
"Oh yeah, those."
--A normal day with Noah Hahn, age 14.

I have been so lazy with writing, mainly because I feel like my heart has been so numb for the past few months. Honestly I feel like I have been numb since the summertime or long before.

And then Faithwalkers.

Every year I go to Faithwalkers during such a time of spiritual dryness. It gets discouraging because in my head I worry that I will get nothing out of it because of my callousness. Always, though, I come away amazed by God's constant patience and willingness to work with me. God loves me when I am discouraged or in a rough place and he shows himself to me in even bigger ways. This year I was blown away by the love of God. I feel like I need the whole entire year to unpack all of the incredible teachings and breakout sessions that I went to. I am so encouraged to see God working on my heart and literally peeling away the layers of callous and distrust that have built up. Steve Nelson's teaching broke my heart for relationship with God. Nothing else I try to pursue is even remotely worth what I receive from relationship in Christ. It breaks my heart to think of all the things I have put before him and how it makes him feel. Steve shared the story of Ezekiel 16, which is pretty brutal and horrible, but such a picture of our relationship with God when we seek other things. So that leads me to a new year and a lot of changes. The Bible is a source of joy, not something I have to read. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of 'reading because I have to'--and there is no fulfillment in that. God's word will never return void, but I do not want to pursue God religiously or emptily, I want to know His heart.

So that leads into this new year. I don't expect it to be easy, I honestly don't want it to be. Mitch (I think) spoke about crushing everything that gets in the way of God and that is what I want to do--even if it means evaluating relationships (which ends in crying over the phone, like always). Even if it means less selfish time to myself. This is going to be a big year, a year of, by the grace of God:

-Moving out

-Traveling
-Finishing school

-Waiting on God's perfect plan and timing
-GRACE. Faith in action. Hope for the future.

I am excited. I am terrified.

SOLI DEO GLORIA.