when i go back to school in the spring i will be a senior. and for the second senior year of my life i will not know where to go next.

things are good, things are busy, things are happening.

and, just like that, i am done with all of my spanish homework. for the entire semester. this feels so good, but i am afraid i will forget all of my phrases over the next month off.

i got a promotion at work today. finally, after six months of waiting, the paperwork went all the way to wherever it needed to go. this feels good, even though it adds barely anything to my paycheck.

That time I almost had a heart attack:

As in, Saturday.

I was sitting in the drive-up waiting for a car to come--our branch is only open in the drive-up on Saturdays, so the rest of the bank is dark and closed and sort of eerie, come to think of it. I turned around for a minute because I heard a noise, and there was a man. In the lobby, just standing there. I have frequent nightmares about this. Anyways, nothing bad happened, except that he got very embarrassed (because if you can't tell a bank is closed by no one being in it, that's a bad sign), and we were all freaked out for the rest of the day. If he wanted to, he could've taken a whole lot of money, but instead he just fumbled out the door, and left someone to get in very big trouble Monday.

As in today.

When, housesitting, someone walked into the house, like it was no big deal.



But besides the half heart-attacks, days have been good. I haven't gotten anything done for school, but I did get to redecorate my room and spend some good time with my family this weekend. I miss my little brother a lot around the holidays because it's hard not being able to do traditional things with him. I will really miss decorating the tree together because that is a long-standing Evenson tradition. He will hopefully be back in Utah for awhile in January, so maybe we can make up for lost time then. Right now he is lost in a fantasy world of throwing grenades and going to the ocean every weekend. I can't imagine living that life, but he seems to enjoy it. I am so proud of him.

School is out in two weeks. I guess I should start acting like I know how to write a paper, but I think what happened is that I forgot everything I ever learned about writing. So that is a no fun problem to deal with. All this football I have been watching is killing my brain cells.

"Honey, what do you think this is?"

"...Something you made?"

- Steph, and then Tom Scribner, being the ever-supportive husband.

Russell at work did this thing today, where he was so excited, possibly to the point of overjoyed, to tell me this story that he thought pertained to me. Except it didn't, not even at all. This is usually the case with Russell, but it is so entertaining to watch.

My company gave me a bonus today. I feel so blessed and excited because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. My job feels so much more 'grown up' now. In about a month I will have been there a year, and this is one of my only jobs I haven't dreamt of leaving. God is so good to have placed me where he did. His timing is perfect and I am excited to see what this next year brings..except I hope it doesn't bring me to being fat, because we are getting free lunches at work like, every week now. This may be great for my wallet, but it is not doing wonders for my stomach.

It's weird to see that work is taking up so much of my thoughts. Maybe next time my writing will be more exciting. For right now, I would just like to sleep away my new-found cold.

I have been so busy with running around and travel time that I have neglected school, and actually writing altogether. I think school is a little mad at me, because when I got back from San Diego there were two presentations and Freud (who bothers me more than any other psychologist i've read) waiting for me. As if to say, you know, this is what you get for having a real life.

Anyways, the last few weeks have been:

-Co-housesitting in a very nice neighborhood. It was over Halloween weekend, too, so there were kids running around and probably expecting giant candy bars, but we had nothing to give out. They were brats anyways, though. One kid hit my car with a stick because he ran out in front of me, like it was totally okay for him to be doing that. Anyways, it is fun to pretend that I have a house of my own, with a hot tub I can use whenever I want.

-San Diego. we went out, my family, Collin, Emma, and I, to watch my brother graduate from the first phase of boot camp. It was a lovely break from the cold weather here, even though it was only slightly less cold there. We ate a lot of real Mexican food which was neat for me. My lovely friend Erin showed us around the city the first night. We sent off lanterns on the beach, which was pretty exciting, and then pretended like we were wealthy at the Hotel Coronado. She took us to a cute local yogurt shop (they had Harry Potter yogurt!) and then to the sand cliffs at Point Loma. It made me feel guilty, that I know none of the fun things to do in Salt Lake. My friends would not have a good time if they came to stay with me in Utah. The second night we were there, she took us to her friend's penthouse suite off of Pacific Beach, and the view of the city was phenomenal. There are some days, very rarely, where I don't hate big cities and would like to spend more time there.

-San Diego, the military part. We also spent a lot of time on base during the day. Everything was painted mustard yellow there and reminded me of a Wes Anderson movie. The first day we got to see Aus was pretty exciting. he looks so dapper in his uniform, like he could be hanging out with Don Draper. The day of graduation it was pouring rain, so we ended up missing most of the ceremony due to poor planning, but Austin didn't mind. He just wanted to leave base and eat burgers.

-Ten days without sleep. Okay, that's an exaggeration. Well sort of. Aus was only in town for ten days, so I spent every night, give or take one or two, in Provo or in travel. It was a lot of fun spending the time with my family and also old friends.

-Harry Potter movies. Woops, it's happening again.

-New coworkers. I am still not sure how I feel about this, but I will have more to report later I'm sure. I had a meeting with my boss yesterday, and she told me she had heard that I want to quit in the summer...so that was an awkward situation. The rest went really well though. I am truly blessed where I am right now in my job.

So that leaves today, which has been more crazy running around. I went down to Starbucks on my break between classes (yes, I just realized I can leave campus on breaks and it is okay) and some dude bought everyone in the lobby pastries, just to be nice I guess. Not every person is terrible all of the time.

"oh, it's a cake in the park."
-my grandma, mixing her metaphors the other day.

leave well enough alone.

the other day i talked to the attorney general for a good few minutes before i realized who he was. so that was awkward, because if i had known i would have called him 'mr. attorney general' instead of by his first name. but also i wonder if he likes to feel like not everyone is recognizing his face from the news and newspapers. like he could get away with drinking a cup of coffee at a coffee shop without an interruption.

some nights i love not having my car, because then i can't think about how much stuff is in the trunk, or if i brought a snack (why am i always so hungry lately?) and i have to live on what can fit inside of a purse.

we walked into the pie, and about twenty minutes later what i'm pretty sure was the cast of jersey shore walked in. i have never watched that show but i have watched saturday night live. i have never seen so many men with awful fake tans in my life. i wish i could describe it, but basically it was just like staring at a couple of pennies, and that's as close as i can get. they were recording themselves too, and kept looking over at us like, 'could you NOT talk to each other, please.'

i have been living in a week-long world of headaches and being tired. i feel like i am getting a cold but the only part of it that ever stays is the headache. i think i just need a great bike ride because of:
exercise helping you feel better

and

i am stressed.

i wish i could ride for like, 200 miles and just never stop.

alright, here he is,


she says, and then sends her cell phone in through the drive up tube.
i do not know what i am supposed to do about this, so as the phone drops, i hand it to my supervisor. immediately he is told "i need to speak to your manager", so without a blink he walks the cellphone into her office. the lady hits the button again and says,
i am so sorry about this, if you think this is bad try being married to him.

i wonder why it is that people like to tell me such sad things about their lives, but i sent her the phone back and waited for her reply
you people are so good to me.

that is probably the most average type of day at work.

where i can push a button, and say thank you and have a nice evening and go on with the day.




i can't believe i have been doing this same thing for a year.

this is what i have been up to in my downtime of the two craziest weeks. i sometimes daydream about how i wish i could be a visual director for this show. every shot is so good.

waiting for the bus the other day, i met a funny old black man that just wanted to talk. i think he was lonely, but he was so friendly. he had moved to salt lake from l.a. because he didn't like the feeling of always having to put up a front--he said that living in salt lake was like being able to breathe because it isn't so tiresome here. i guess i have never thought of utah in that way. when i think of being able to breathe and relax i think of somewhere closer to the middle. anyways i am glad that he is happy here. he gave me what he thought were some good insights on life, such as "do not offer a black man (or ANY man) a ride after 11 pm. or ever," and "the devil is always at work." he got off of the bus and thanked me for talking to him.

my nights now are busy and tiring, but it is good: homework, outreach, dinners, meeting with people, house church again, planning trips. i don't even have time to worry about you or us or what is really going on in my life.

today during staff meeting, my boss kept talking about trust accounts and also member service, except all i could think about the whole time was this:

that working at the bank is just like playing Roller Coaster Tycoon. The people come in with big red angry faces over their heads, and you have to get them to have green smiles before they go home.

yesterday at work a lady asked me if i "even had a brain of my own" and then started swearing at me as much as she could. so that was really nice of her. and what i wanted to say was "yes, and that is why i am making things so hard on you," but instead i kept my mouth shut while she was complaining and prayed for her.

there is too much to write about. there is not enough to write about. i pretty much spend my days like:
wake up too early
quiet time
school or work or schoolANDwork
homework and outreach
sleep
lather rinse repeat, on and on.

i look forward to and cherish my Sundays off. i don't know if i feel great about being busy or terrible about it. it is nice to keep my mind off of things but i miss the people and places that i used to see outside of my house. it is really nice to have nights off, though, and i am really excited about 6:15 rolling around.

"taste the happy, michael."
--gob bluth, on arrested development


i feel like i am walking on a weird cloud of GOD IS SO GOOD, even though he always is and i have always known that. the past few days of been a roller coaster of relationships and exhaustion and my flesh. but when i force myself to calm down for five seconds, God shows me how much he continues to just love and love and LOVE me. it has definitely been a year of learning for me. i may not always know the answers and i may still mess up, but here in the power of CHRIST i stand. so encouraging. daily he picks up me weary, messy self and chooses to mold me into something more. daily i am shown love in the most crazy ways. one day it may be a letter from my brother talking about how his faith is growing through boot camp (he calls his pastor the black version of mac) and the next it may be encouragement from a friend on the interstate. i feel like all of the difficult things in my life are not really so terrible.

a few little pieces of my week:

-a man came through our drive-up window with his dog wearing a cubs hat and sunglasses. the dog had the funniest look on its face and i lost it. i was crying before he left, and as soon as he drove off he took the outfit off of the dog. probably he just wanted to brighten my day, with something very childish, and it worked. well.

-steph brought me back a 'put a bird on it' sticker from portland. funny that they can make money off of being made fun of.

-fall is in the air, and i couldn't be happier.

my body is getting used to waking up early. i know this because i am waking up at six without an alarm, and also because sometimes it is five. i wish my body knew the difference between those two, because just because you can wake up early doesn't mean you are not tired for the rest of the day.

i have been so busy lately. i signed up to take outreach again because it has been so long. it is going to be a lot of work but i feel like it is manageable. i want God to use me more in this area because i feel like it is somewhere i definitely lack. i am excited for the opportunities i know he'll give me as i continue through the class.

so sunday was outreach, and then sunday was a crazy birthday party that i was hired to take pictures for. i didn't know what to expect, and it was pretty much a bummer to see the things some people find joy in. but there was some BOMB food, and it was interesting to spend time in a totally different culture. it's sort of funny because everyone was speaking spanish, and the girl kept translating, except for i understood most of it. these 8:30 classes four days a week must actually be working for me.


it's funny that life is so busy but i don't, for once, feel overwhelmed about any of it.

the art of taking naps, and how it never worked for me.
lack of sleep and speaking in tongues (which, actually, is just spanish).
forty minutes of cardio in a building that looks deceitful from the outside.

i get real tired sometimes, and then i remember it's only a week in to school. a week in and already the kid from my spanish class last year won't stop flirting with me. i'll be sitting in the grass, waiting to go off to some theory class, and he'll just walk up and sit down next to me. hey, what are you doing skipping class, he says, like he knows my whole schedule. it is a little creepy and a lot less than charming. but i just smile and be nice, because what else can you do? next time i see him, i am going to run the other direction though.

public transportation is messier than usual. my room is messier than usual. lists are being made and piling up and i just want it to be FALL. coats. scarves. boots. leaves. pumpkin. tea. soup. fall is so nostalgic to me, and i think a large part of it is because it takes me back to living in oregon. when i think pumpkins i think fir point farms: cinnamon donuts, the acorn house, miles of beautiful trees. dressing up as something silly and going out into the neighborhood.

our branch manager asked me the other day if i would be interested in applying for a loan officer position. i guess i am a grown up now.

"do you ever do a warm-up before exorcism?"
-spencer, while reading to me out loud. poor guy.


i want to write a story about the bank some days, but instead i just come home with a headache and really dirty hands.

the thing of it is though, is that, despite the headaches and the germs and the grumpy and lying people, i don't hate my job. God has been so good to bless me with this. whether i work thirty hours a week this semester or twenty, i will be happy that i am where i am. i feel so professional when i count back money to a member or solve a financial problem. which is funny because i never thought much of that type of thing, because i am not a numbers or business person. i like to write and wear the same clothes over and over, and not wash my hair. don't ask me how i ended up where i did, for this moment.

things are in a funny place right now. i can't believe that school starts in four days. i can't believe my brother has been gone for a week--and isn't coming back for another three months. i can't believe he is in the marines. i keep wondering when all of this stuff is going to become more real in my head, but the answer is probably not until it is over.

i found some of my papers from my creative writing class a few semesters back.


it's time to get back into that.

somebody stop me before i do something drastic and chop off a lot of my hair. except truth is i am probably too scared to do it.

picking up the pieces of the week, though. my back and my legs are sore from accidentally working out beyond my capacity. who knew, but runningfridayplayingfrisbeeandkickballsaturdaybikingsunday actually doesn't feel great physically. it sure does something great for your mind and soul though. God is so good to give exercise as a form of stress relief. last night we went on an 11 mile bike ride in a little under an hour and it felt so good after getting over the initial pain. i am excited to buy an eventual bike that isn't vintage--even though it is real cute, and people always stop to comment on it--so that i am not carrying around 20 extra pounds.

the real point i even meant to write was that my brother left yesterday for bootcamp. it is weird to me that i have no way of contacting him or hearing from him. i hate thinking that he is just spending all of his time now getting yelled at, but i am so proud of him for doing what he's doing. keep him in your prayers, that he grows closer to God and stays encouraged through all of this. It is going to be a hard three months for my whole family, but I will count down the days to san diego eagerly (which, hello, huge deal because i hate california the most). time goes by quickly. i am blessed i got to spend the weekend hanging out with him.

that's all folks. this week is a busy one. today at work i had a lady walk through all of the lanes of the drive up, yell at me, then walk away and ignore me as i tried to help her with her problem. people are so funny.

this week:

--Found out both of the ways I pay for school are no longer there
--Got a call from my brother, saying he is leaving for boot camp a full four months early and that this is the last time I will see him for a very long time
--Could not stop thinking about my exchange brother and the poor people of Norway
--Got back to a workplace with new management, employees leaving left and right (four this month), and a brand new take on the system I've worked on for the last seven months
--Had to leave the place I love the most, and try not to bawl at the airport when my grandma said goodbye
--Dealt with a very complicated relationship or two.

Needless to say, coming back to Salt Lake has been difficult, because now I feel like I have to face all of these things from less than 1,000 miles away. But I keep taking comfort in the fact that God is bigger than all of these things, even though they are very really and very scary. I took my grandma's dog for a walk a few days ago and listened to a good teaching on anxiety by Mark Driscoll. Jesus is my peace and my rest from all of the crazy things happening. For, "Who of you by worrying can add a single span to his life?"


Besides all of that, good things too:
--Salvation. Grace. HOPE.
--I have a very clean bedroom again. Oh, I have a bedroom again, too. That's nice.
--I have stamps, that I am really, really hoping not to lose this time (there is something about writing letters that I love).
--I was invited back to Michigan for a whole entire summer. Yes, please.

I think I can do a whole new year. My vacation was a complete blessing. My grandma is such a strong, wonderful woman and it is so encouraging to see her so healthy again. It's been a scary few months for her.


Oh, and on a completely different note, I am loving "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terreell, and I think, way too early, that I am choosing to dance to it at my very far in the future wedding.

the air smells so much better out in the middle of the country. i want to bottle it up and take it home. except for, duh, mosquitoes would probably follow that. i have a problem of where i am SUPER allergic to bug bites, so they swell up to the size of a baseball and people ask, 'what is wrong with you?'. Of all the things to be allergic to, i am now allergic to: water, woods, the midwest, nighttime, humidity, and provo. unless i wear bugspray...then i am only mildly allergic to each of those things.

besides my crazy allergies, i love this place. i wonder why people flock everywhere else in the united states but here because it is so gorgeous. but to be honest that is part of the charm.

raleigh: "you don't love me anymore."
margot: "i do, kind of."

Every time I watch a Wes Anderson film I remember how bad I suck as an artist. Visually in my photography and also in writing. and then I feel guilty even saying "I" and "artist" in the same sentence, because I still haven't come close to what I want to achieve. It's a weird, humbling kind of feeling.

This week has been weird. I've been pretty discouraged by some things that have been going on. God is good though...yesterday Melanie stayed with me on her way back to Fort Collins and we got to have a pretty good talk. It is such a blessing to have sisters from around the U.S. that provide encouragement during stressful times. I feel like she gave me some really good insight into school and how that can impact my future in kingdom building. I sometimes just see school as a completely separate, worldly place where everything is about status and intellect and dollar amounts. I need to be reminded every now and then that it is beneficial when done for the right reasons. SO I have a lot of ideas rolling around in my head now, and it could mean an interesting year or two.


Michigan in seven days. Everyone decided to throw parties the week I leave, whoops. But maybe they are forgetting that I will be enjoying the humidity (yes, I am crazy) and endless country roads.

mission to the city was encouraging today. I am glad that i got to go if only for a few hours. God is doing some cool things in utah. i need to remember that on the days where i just don't want to be here. like on the every day lately that i just want to escape to the midwest and michigan. fourteen days is do-able.

i have been talking on the phone a little bit more lately. it is weird to hear someone's voice and know that they are far, far away. but i guess that is what a phone is for. yup, i need sleep...

"he is a gentleman, a policeman. i want him around when it is nighttime. the other one is useless and scares me to debt"

this is what the little indian boy i babysat tonight said to me in his cute accent (regarding our dogs). i don't really know how it happened, but there he was at my house, and spencer had disappeared somewhere with matt. i am not around little kids that aren't spencer very often so i have to retrain myself on how to act around them. mainly it involves listening to very long-winded stories. at least he had very good grammar, though.

two weeks. then nine days. then twelve. i am counting my summer in overlaps and other states.

I forgot how good it felt to play music. To sing harmonies, to feel the pressure of guitar strings indenting your fingers. I am so grateful to be reminded of this tonight. I can't wait to see what this kickstarts when I go back to my other home with my other bed.

It is weird to have two houses to live in that both feel like home.

it's getting to be the weather that i can't fall asleep without a fan in. except, the fan is more for the sound than for the temperature, so it really doesn't make sense. anyways. it is on right now and it is too cold, but at least relaxing

i ended up half by accident and half by on purpose getting all of the next seven days off, except for a short training for work on tuesday. i am so excited to spend time outdoors and with friends i don't really get to see often. i think i am going to go and help collin and tony with painting their new little apartment.

also, a cool thing that summer has done for me: no more flying anxiety. on friday we went up to the ogden airport so mikey could shoot us all in nick's summer line. frank took us up in his plane and let philip fly for half of it. i didn't realize how cool being so high up really is. i kept pointing out the window for joseph to look at all of the tiny cars and houses. it sort of feels like playing the sims. except for none of the characters caught anything on fire, so that was sort of ideal.


all in all, it's been a weird few days. i found out that my grandma is in the hospital again and feeling worse. my mom is going to catch a red eye out there on friday and stay hopefully for around 3 weeks. i will go out a few days after she gets home to go help with whatever my grandma needs. it is sobering to see that she is getting old and i am scared to see her weak when i'm used to someone so strong and stubborn. i don't know if i am ready for it, but i wish i could stay out there longer nonetheless. keep her in your prayers.

I have this thing of where I am going to write down the little things that Mikey or Nick say in a conversation, but I can't really capture the face they are making, which is what says it all. It is like they will burst if they hold it all in. I always forget how funny it is to experience.

I found out this weekend that one of my friends knows my Uncle Wayne, which is crazy because he is from another state and just happens to always stay in his hotel when he works from the road. My uncle is the good kind of Southern gentleman that I think everyone needs in their life. He is a cowboy all of the way through, but he is also short so it somehow seems to balance out alright. He has a good heart and makes me want to spend more time in the country.

What else, besides work. Philip and I accidentally ended up all over downtown searching for my brother to visit with, but he led us to the wrong part of the valley (kid obviously grew up driving in Provo only). Instead we just spent a lot of time using public transportation, and various iphone apps. Who knew it would come in handy, ever? Also, we found some neat treasures at the DI. I wish I could be a better DI-er, but I just don't have the time or the patience anymore.

My thoughts are all over the place, and probably because I am just really tired. I can't shake this bummed out mood, for three days now. My heart is heavy. Tonight was refreshing, being able to just relax and spend time laughing with friends like I haven't laughed for awhile. Tomorrow is my day off and I am excited to spend some extra time with God.



Also:
I am going to let Frank take me up in his plane on Friday, and I will probably spend the next two days getting nervous about it.

Well, it's been awhile since I've written, especially looking at it in light of the fact that my brother graduates high school tomorrow. That is a really weird feeling. I sort of feel bad for my parents because I don't know what they will do now. Travel or let someone else move into their house again, I guess. Time has been such a weird thing in my mind lately. Tonight I stayed up probably too late talking to Tom and Rick (which is funny, because we all live in the same house yet never manage to really have conversations) and it was a sobering hearing their stories. I feel like every week passing is closer to school and I still haven't done anything with my summer. I feel like I need to finish school. I feel like I should spend more time at work or more time on my bike or more time visiting people. Time time time. I am blessed by this lull though and I need to learn to enjoy it. I don't have many summers left before I have to get a real-real job --my job is just the introduction to that.

What else.
--My grandma is still pretty sick and so she isn't coming out for my brother's graduation like we had all planned. I hope to still go visit her this summer if I can raise the money for the tickets. It's still up in the air what is actually going on with her but they've ruled out a lot of the things she was scared of. Keep her in your prayers.
--My grades weren't as good as I hoped this last semester, but I had a really good performance review at work, and got put on a recognition list for something else. Funny how that balances out.
--Last night was This Will Destroy You at Kilby, so I went with a few guys from church. Pretty much what happened was that it was a drug show, but I still enjoyed the parts that didn't make me feel like I was drowning.

I wish I was somewhere in a field right now, enjoying the sun. I miss those days of life every day.

whenever i buy blonde hair dye, i start to lack the the area of self-control, and my hair becomes a huge mess. i don't know why but this happens every single time.


i am tired. i have been dreaming of awful things. on the in-between days, my dreams are about places that i wish i could go to, which is great except for there is always something wrong. maybe i am at the farm but can't go out and enjoy the sunshine. or by the ocean but it is drowning me. it's always something. i want to go a night without dreaming. it's been too long.

three whole days off in a row now. i don't even know where to begin.

I did something dumb and spontaneous, which was buying a phone that is smarter than me. Like, it knows more about most things than I even do, and that is an awkward place to be. It even reminds me that I need to go to work, or text people back.

Anyways. Something about the warm weather has made me want to listen to 80's pop music. Every song makes me feel like I should be in an old Drew Barrymore movie. There was a moment last night, as I was leaving someone's house, where the Cure's 'Boys don't Cry' was playing, and I really thought I was maybe inside of the movies (as Spencer would say).

I don't really know what to write about anymore, but I can't help thinking that things are back to good around here. And also I keep thinking whole entire sentences in Spanish. I hope you're proud, T.C.

there is always a new pair of shoes on my bathroom floor. they are never mine, but they are there.

peppermint, soy, and spinachstrawberryorangebanana. i cannot count anymore. don't count. work went by incredibly fast today, and i got to talk to stefanie (yes, with an f) about why there is even the rock music at all and what i believe in. super encouraging. no headache today though. i am going to miss sound. it is a fun, quiet way to bless the church. it always makes me tear up a little standing in the booth and seeing everyone worship.

and at the end of the night, i will try to use my excuse of having started a new budget (which is valid), and my excuse of being exhausted (also valid), but it won't get to the real truth of that i just don't know how to hang out with you anymore. i don't remember what it looks like, or feels like. and that is still difficult for me to get used to.


but still always, 'the angels sing on high, hallelujah, GOD IS GOOD.'

don't do school, stay in drugs is what my assistant manager recommended to me the other day.

These past two weeks have been non-stop running around. From house-sitting to house-cleaning to work to standing in front of a Spanish class and forgetting Spanish. Today is the first day of what is hopefully relaxing, but mainly finishing up some papers. This semester has been really different for me. I started a new job in December, a job where I actually have to think hard and do grown-up things like get yelled at or work on extra projects for my boss. Along with that I decided I might as well pick Spanish back up and go to class five days a week (which hadn't happened before since, oops, high school). Needless to say I was sort of overwhelmed for like, 4 months of my life. Now that I am used to it, the semester is ending and I am scheduled to work all day on the days my papers are due, in the professor's hands, on campus. Whoops. I have been worried about grades and keeping scholarship stuff up, but I had a good talk with my mom and I'm not stressed anymore. God is good whether I have a scholarship or go to school or not. That is ultimately what keeps me in check.

Anyways, what also keeps me being okay with this all amounts to the time I know that I will get to enjoy in Michigan. It couldn't come any sooner right now.

One of my professors invited me to a party at their house. Except for the problem is that it wasn't T.C.

I think I need to sleep a little bit more often.

"Fear of dropping soda on the ground, and it fizz on you. Fear of some birds. Fear of doors when they slams. Fear of things that go bump in the night. Fear of putting something in your ear, and it is not supposed to be there, and it is liable to run you deaf."

I am housesitting some dogs this weekend. There are some joys about having a house to yourself, but also there gets to be a loneliness after a few days. I like the silence less than I like the noise of every day. A kid yelling upstairs, muffled TV sounds, phones ringing, the neighbor boy playing basketball all hours of the day (and never getting better. how is that possible?). It is harder to sleep in the dead silence.



My Spanish professor asked us if we were stressed on Monday, and then on Wednesday told us that the world was ending in seven days, on the day of the oral exam, and made us write a list of things we would like to do before we die. I was one of only a few that wouldn't rob a bank ('cause that would just be weird, now), but I did tell him about the weird thing I've always wanted to do which is basically that scene in Jumanji where they smash everything in the store. I wish I knew how to say more things in Spanish. Sorry, T.C.

moments like this video make me sort of miss having a facebook, to share them with people.



I had Monday off of work, so I did some senior photos and then went to play with Boss, who is the most adorable puppy!

Four more days of T.C. I am sad about this, genuinely.

some observations.

--I took a small amount of comfort this morning in the old bus driver being back. It is always new men anymore, and even newer buses that smell like plastic. I have attached personalities to the old drivers but the new ones are just quiet. I don't love that.

--There are twins in one of my classes. They always sit right next to each other, except for today, they were seated far apart. I wonder that means they are in a fight, or just need a break. It would be weird to continuously look at the seat next to you and see yourself.

--Two and a half more weeks of sitting in rooms that can never find a good temperature.

--My room is living in a constant organized/cluttered cycle. I can never figure it out.

--Two more children's books, one, Where the Wild Things Are. Another novel with the word "House" in it, some obscure French poetry (which, yuck), and some Joyce. Plus, watching Wall-E. Three more papers. One more project. One more test. Fourteen days.

--Tom bought some fancy coffee and expects me to be drinking it with him every day, but the problem is that I just forget. He wants someone to share in his excitement but I keep rushing off in the mornings. This time, I finally did it.

This lack of sleep all of the time is making life interesting. I wrote what was hopefully the best paper of the semester so far last night, and all I am hoping today is that my professor feels the same. J.S. is a paper Nazi, but I guess this is what I signed up for.

I watched the Walking Dead last night while housesitting, which was probably a bad idea because of nightmares in a strange house. Except for I didn't have any, at least, not any about the living dead. Just about the kind of things I usually night-mare about.

And then I had a good day of work-school-work today. Like, really, good. I didn't get too nervous while I had to present during staff meeting for our new sales campaign, and when I got back later in the day Rilo Kiley was playing in the back on someone's iPod. Also, for some reason almost everyone wore purples shirts and ties, like we planned it as a big joke on the people that didn't. I am starting to understand and love my job and coworkers more.

Anyways, housesitting with children involved makes for a nicely quiet night tonight. We are watching shows on Animal Planet about people that have been attacked by various animals, like hippos or snakes. I don't know about why they make these tv shows, but I don't love to feel like every animal lurking in the bushes wants to eat me.

Sound tomorrow, so excited. I love having church to look forward to after a long week. Can't wait to hear more truths from Proverbs!

Tonight I was halfway through my accidentally-late drive home from Tony and Shannon's when I realized that no sound was coming out of my radio, and no heat was coming out of the heater. And it didn't bother me a bit. But I still turned on a National song for the rest of my drive, just because. I am getting over my need for background noise, and it feels good. I won't lie and say that I'm not going to listen to Bon Iver tonight before I fall asleep though.

Anyways. Today was the day of the week that I get off work. I missed Spanish due to never actually missing Spanish and also because of talking too long in the rain (whoops, sorry T.C., I still like you a lot). I finished all of my homework early, kept my bedroom clean despite laundry being done, and even went to the orthodontist and made spinach dip. And all of that is a big deal because days off are usually used for catching up on sleep. I wasn't really in the mood to be around people for long because I felt crappy, but I went to a small group party anyways, which was a good choice. Sometimes it overwhelms me how blessed I am to have the church family I do.

And then I finally went home and opened a card from a friend, and fifty dollars fell out. I was definitely not expecting it, and I wouldn't even tell the story except for that God is so faithful. I had to fight back tears because He knows exactly what my situation is and is blessing me through it. The days that I feel the least motivated to do anything or change my awful mood are the days that God grabs me by the hand and shows me His love. Every situation I feel like is hopeless right now; my modernism class, the guys I work with, relationships that are confusing, I get reminded that there are bigger things that I want to fight for and that they are minor setbacks. There is prayer and that is all there is to do about it. I can study for classes more diligently, but every word of Pound is going to burn, whereas my God stands eternal. The deeper I get into my English major the more frustrated I get with it because people study this literature like it will bring them enlightenment or truth but yet give no thought to the God that created them. I put too much worry into something that is temporary and usually ridiculous. I guess it is just a matter of prioritizing well. Obviously God has blessed me with a scholarship, and I need to be diligent with that, but I know my truth from my Pound, Eliot, or Freud. And tonight, finally not having homework to leave fellowship early for is a complete blessing.

On a completely unrelated note: I have started curling my hair the night before I actually go anywhere. I don't know what this accomplishes except that my hair looks dirty again as soon as I leave the house. But it is nice waking up and not worrying.

And on another unrelated note: today I heard two people talking behind me on the bus, and all I could think about, was 'This should be a story on This American Life'. Thank you, Ira Glass.

10 of '10

I have been meaning to do this for a long time, but things have been busy with school and work. Here is a list of my ten favorite images of 2010, counted down. It is a blessing to look back over the year and see how I have grown and changed artistically. God is so good! I am looking forward to the opportunities this year will bring.

"Let's put all those napkins in my car. Let's not waste them."
--Stephanie Scribner, on stealing from restaurants

My professor, due to having knee surgery, had a substitute professor on Thursday that looked just like Carrie from Portlandia. Easily that was the funniest part of my week, except for the member that came in, and said to me, "I called him, and he said there was a dead rabbit in the pool", as casually as could be. People are so interesting.

Last night we went out for sushi for Tom's birthday. I still think it is a disgusting thing but I at least decided to pretend one more time that I could love it. My body doesn't get tricked so well though and so I ate a couple pieces and was definitely done. I don't think I will ever learn to have fine test. That's okay though. It's probably better for my budget.

Women's conference was good. I missed church due to having to go to a party I was committed to, but at least I got to see a lot of people earlier in the day and learned a lot. Things are getting back to good! Can't wait to sleep in tomorrow.

oh hey.

my weekend was super busy, because of working friday night, and then having church all the day saturday. mark darling broke my heart and then told the pieces it was going to be alright, and that God is always good and worth running for. so basically the rest of my weekend was a good reminder of that. encouraging talk with keaton and ashlie after church, and i am excited for the changes that are coming about after this weekend. on sunday i had to have a difficult conversation with a friend. which, oops, was way harder after a bike ride (I AM OUT OF SHAPE AGAIN). but things are going to be good. that's really all i feel like i can say.

i didn't really think it was possible for my heart to hurt so much for a place i've only been once. but it does, and i found myself crying all the way up until falling asleep about not being there this summer. i think i need to go back to michigan instead.

looking at classes for next semester makes me nervous, like for some reason i was just thinking i wouldn't have to do this again. but i won't pretend like taking workout classes to fill up space won't be fun. except spanish so early in the morning will turn me into a zombie. a zombie that knows a lot about subjunctives, hopefully. today i picked up the phone to call somebody and had to fight speaking to them in spanish instead of english. it was a weird feeling. my brain is being trained to accept this.

violins and stacatto. little sleep. passing credit union tests with a 97%. not getting yelled at. hurt. smile. headphones. bus driver leaving a girl running. sunshine through the windows at work. prayer journals. patrick watson. vacation planning and fund saving. grilled cheese. thinking too much. weekdays are all over the place.

i wrote a paper about javier bardem for spanish class tonight, which was sort of depressing because the guy is nuts. he is a staunch atheist, and was saying that even though he wasn't gay he would love to get married that way just to make churches angry. i don't understand why people act like that. what is the point of hating something you say that you don't even believe in? it doesn't add up for me. i don't believe in life on mars or evolution, but i don't go around hating everyone that does. it seems like a waste of emotion that could be spent on anything else. anything. anyways. that's the end of a spanish-induced rant. the Bible is always spot on about these things, when Jesus says the world will hate us.

i missed a bus or two this morning due to poorly timing my snow removal. the thing about utah though is that professors understand that, and so things were good, and i got to talk to my old boss for a bit at harmon's. it feels good to say i have a new job, and i finally work for a company whose name i don't feel ashamed telling. i guess that is part of being in the grown up world. but also the other part is headaches and responsibilities, like making sure every strange question people have is answered. and people have a lot of questions for me.

i spent one of my weekend nights, and i can't remember which, catching up on this show. fred armisen makes me laugh so hard. portland as home has faded for me to a distant memory. i don't know if this is a sad thing or not. but the funny thing about this show is that it is never raining. so i see the same buildings, but nothing looks the same, because there are small rays of sunshine. it's sort of like a more idealistic oregon, except still with the same people that aren't so idealistic.


the wasteland by t.s. eliot. spanish done. day off. spicy food. this american life (tv and radio). talking to the brother. sweet text messages. house church. wednesday is becoming my favorite day of the week, except the weekends i cherish.

i am drowning in children's literature and spanish. but neither of those things are really disappointing.

today started off pretty happy, and kept on going decently, and then i ended up chopping up my bangs in the bathroom after work. i am not sure how i feel about this decision except for that it was a good break from school work.

things are happy lately. wonderful God. encouraging news. sweet little gifts. sweater vests and espanol.

i got bored and cleaned the whole house yesterday, which was weird because i was, hello, completely exhausted from working my hardest at school and life all day. i have gotten used to working and going to classes everyday as best as i can. i just think that if i have a moment to stop and sit down then it will suddenly overwhelm me, so i keep moving, moving on through. i feel like i am just passing through this very strange time period and i will soon be out of it, looking around at the leaves growing green on the trees, and wondering how i got there. it is a season of run on sentences. and run-on everything else. my manager announced to us today that she is not coming back to work after her maternity leave. i am excited for her but also a little nervous because of that big of a change.

so lately what has been happening, to bring me back to the real world, is that i spend all of the moments that i am in motion--walking across campus, on the bus or in my car, cleaning--listening to this american life. i have been catching up on old episodes and i love every single one. it is refreshing to hear other people's fears, romances, dreams, and even their thoughts on the economy, occasionally. i wish i had ira glass's job most of the days of my life. i guess i should just start asking more questions of our members at work. everyone has at least one interesting story to tell. i'm sure of it.

"you are what michael jackson was trying to look like."
-philip hahn, trying to reassure izzy about her nose.

sunday night i sat down on the couch to watch a movie or two, and ended up watching five movies, with people coming in and out for the movies of their choosing. it was so relaxing not to deal with delinquent loans or spanish projects for once. and then on my presidents day i got my car registered. so i guess the weekend was worth it, but i wish that it was so much longer.

i have a lot more to say, but i've been trying to write that for a few days and nothing has been working out. my heart is oddly heavy right now.

i take my thoughts back about little boys, and sentiments made of paper, because spencer showed this to me last night after i got home from house church:



i am really happy this week. i'll write more about it later, but i get to go meet my mom for lunch. fun!

"I thought all the good ones were gone, you're here to tell me I was wrong."
-a song lyric text I received this morning

My Valentine's Day really wasn't so bad, and probably what helped was a holiday-themed Spanish class. The professor wore a red and pink argyle sweater vest, which makes me think he is just a little bit sentimental. Which is funny, because I never really cared about Valentines except for getting a lot of chocolate at school. I made some cute cards this year though, and I would love to put of a picture of the one I made for Spenc except that he probably already threw it away. Things made out of paper are lost on little boys.

I guess it's more of a tradition here to have an extravagant celebration though, and so for dinner we made crab and lobster. I am not used to the sophistication of that and it made me feel like maybe I should've had someone with me who I truly cared about....who was in a suit.

The semester is flying by. Fly.ing. Not so much time anymore until it is March and I am believing in the sunshine, that it will stick around longer for me.

i was on the outside, i was lookin' in

what is happening to me is that i am not sleeping enough, again. i am reinstating my love affair with coffee and other warm drinks. also i am taking the bus much more often, to avoid possibly falling asleep and hitting someone. or really, i am taking it because i would rather someone else do all of my driving for me. all of this leads to an amount of time reading books that i didn't really think is possible, but that is also necessary for all of my classes this semester. i just finished the jungle books, which was super exciting, but now i am being tempted into not going to school anymore and just living in the woods. this would be fine except for that it is cold outside right now.

i am not learning much more of spanish than i did in middle school. i feel like this is a repeat of ninth grade, except that we are allowed to learn the words cerveza and vino. i am learning much more about interest rates though (and how they're all incredibly low, yikes), and IRAs, and other miscellaneous bits of professional world information. i don't really feel like this is a good trade off.

weekend, soon. the harder the weeks are, the faster they seem to go by. i am alright with this.

"Is this song supposed to make me depressed?"

-Spencer, as I was listening to Explosions in the Sky today

My weekend was spent mostly on my feet, except for the long period of time on Friday that Emma and I sat around and watched tv. We also made some really cute valentines, which I haven't done since I was in elementary school. I am excited to give them out even if I don't care much about the holiday.

Collin, Tony, Chris, and their friend Aaron came up on Saturday, so I spent that afternoon doing what I do every time I am with Collin: running around the city and debating where we are and aren't supposed to be. Mostly I assume everything is a no, such as: abandoned restaurants, tops of trains, and fire escapes. He thinks all of these are a yes, and so we draw a line in the middle and only do half of the things. This time? Abandoned restaurant. Anyways, I got really excited about color and photographs again, and I cannot wait for it to be warm so that I can create more.

Super Bowl was good. It is sad to think that football is gone now that I finally have Sundays off, but soon it will be time for hiking, biking, and road trips. It is time to get active again because I am always at an extreme of exhausted or too energetic. There are places that I dream of going but most of them feel like a little bit of home. Salt Lake is home to me but there is also the crispness of the Oregon home and the humid warmth of Midwestern Michigan home. I always hope to be back in both of these places.

No work complaints today, except that Monday was terrible and I had to stay late because of taking my first outage. But the thunder and the snow was cool to watch, and Bobby and I talked a bit about tattoos (which makes me remember that he is a human).

"i support this relationship not working out."
-francie whitman, in the darjeeling limited


my mind is a swirling mess of images, thoughts, and ideas. wes anderson movies always put me in these weird moods. i feel like i need to take a thousand photos and smoke a whole lot of cigarettes right now.

i need to stop spending money on food, because these adventures i want to go on take up a lot of gasoline.

some things i like about today:

--Jesus. i'm doing a sort-of one year plan again, and the book of matthew is intense.

--when i mistrust my own ability to find my car keys, and so absentmindedly leave with things relating to somewhere i will be driving.

--seeing people i know on the bus.

--our cute member judy who is probably eighty and comes in every single day. literally.

--tim cannon.

--the book of Ruth. it's such a good reminder of how God provides for us and a beautiful picture of being faithful to Him when times are hard. except for tonight at small group i was so tired that what was going on in my head was not being able to put two sentences together correctly. so that's weird.

--not being in a theory class.

today was going beautifully and so nice with the sun all around me. it was cold but i could definitely breathe the air in, plus my classes went by fast and i understood what my spanish professor was lecturing about. i got to work right in time, after spending a very brief amount of my life on 215 (when you add up all of the minutes of the past two weeks, it isn't so brief) listening to the new decemberists album. so all of that was good enough. i even did my chore of writing all over the whiteboard, in case people forgot their schedules.

but then.

two hours before i was suppose to get off, the whole entire network that runs my work life shut down. and i was stuck doing everything by hand, which is super intimidating, and also time consuming. by the grace of God, the system came back up ten minutes after we closed and saved us even bigger headaches...but we still had to stay an hour later than normal to clean up after the mess. i balanced my drawer, again, by the grace of God, and now i am exhausted. work is always an interesting story in my life now. but i would be a liar if i didn't say i still had possibly hundreds of produce codes memorized. these things never leave you, once you have started with them. certificate rates. account suffixes. how to fold shirts. produce codes. sales principles. how to take a deposit to the bank and how many bills are in a strap. i think this is a good stopping point for information for the time being. i am happy about my life right now.


just don't be shocked if i forget everything that isn't God, school, or my job. because my head hurts too bad all of the time to remember anything else.

I got a package from Germany today, which was the most exciting and foreign thing that has happened to me in awhile. I miss the days of my life when everyone I interacted with was from somewhere else. Norway, Germany, Brazil, China. I would say a phrase and they would either stare blankly, pretend they understood, or ask me what I was getting at. My favorite was Kim, who spoke English very well except that he would say things like "I learned Marley how to jump six feet", or "Rap music is a marathon of swearing." I still imagine in my head how he would say phrases that I think are funny in normal English speech. It is a different environment without these people around. I am settling, instead, for being thrilled about taking a foreign language again. Even though, oops, the last time I took a class was four years ago. I feel so lost but also so proud when I pick up the most basic words. I bet this is what a two year old feels like. Plus, hello, I have a professor that looks like Chuck Bass, which is super great, but also super intimidating, because who wants to conjugate irregular past tense verbs incorrectly in front of Chuck Bass? I wish he really spoke Spanish.

Crazy week one is over, and next week is going to be the same, but hopefully with a little bit more sleep. I don't mind being a zombie except when I am driving or counting thousands of dollars back to a member. My manager was proactive though, and has already hired at least one person to fill our large gaps. I am encouraged by this. There is a day in the future where I won't have to rush between class and my branch. Driving to school isn't as bad as I thought though, because on days like today where the sun is shining I love looking out from 215 at God's beautiful Utah, regardless of the smog that sometimes still lingers. I am blessed to be where I am inside of these long days. Things are do-able.

With my new job, I feel like situations stick with me a lot longer. I think about members on the drive home and often even while I am sitting at home. It's a weird burden that I am not used to.

I am really happy today, in spite of tomorrow being a long day. God is good to me, and that's all I need for now.

I am always finding headphones attached to iPods that are still playing in this house. Every time I think I'm hearing a voice, it's because I usually am, and so I find it and turn it off. It is always Mark Driscoll, is the funny thing.

This past week I have been super-discouraged about school and my 'real job'. At first it was so glamorous but I am starting to realize that going to classes and having to drive to work every day afterwards isn't easy. The workload I have been given this semester is already huge. I don't remember Spanish well, my English professors are assigning hundreds of pages a night, and we are really short-staffed at work because people keep quitting, transferring, or getting pregnant. I had a really encouraging talk with a good friend last night, that put things in a bit better of a perspective though. School is just a season, but to not be there right now would be foolish for me. I only have a few months of this and it will be summer. God isn't giving me more than I can handle but this is definitely a time of refinement and learning how to balance my time. Plus, I have Jesus to look to. What is ANY of this compared to what he had to go through for me?

My headaches are coming back though, due to stress. Good thing it is halfway to the weekend. I can make it through these next few weeks.

I feel like I need to complain, for one second, about how webct never works when I actually need it to. Or cis. Or anything university related. Which I guess is alright, because I would rather not read Mallarme anyways.

Two ladies yelled at me today during work. One man told me I was pretty. Six people, at the least, asked me the same question they ask me every single day. I lost my keys zero times. My boss only gave me one speech. I accepted a countless amount of extra hours. Probably most of these numbers are made up. But I know at least two of them are correct.



The cat got shut in the closet again, which it has a habit of doing, so it's brother is just staring at the door, waiting for something to happen. It's sort of cute. I go to let him out, and the other one crawls in. Whatever, cats.


I put too much peppermint in my coffee. It feels like I just smoked way too many cigarettes, except a little bit cleaner.

"He was also a little addicted to the expression of a belief that, where there was so great an observance of the externals of religion, there could not be much of the substance."
-James Cooper, The Pioneers

That's from one of the books I am reading for my 19th Century American Literature class (and yup, I am aware that that is a mouthful), which I think is kind of nice. Everything else is pages of arguing about a dead deer, and then bam! I think I would like to meet the man they are describing. He would either be really thought-provoking or really annoying. I want to hear him speak, but instead I can't pay attention to the novel because the rest of it is too boring.

These days. There is nothing much to say except that they are flying by. This week has been a freaky, blurry dream, due to all of my time being spent at school, the credit union, or traveling between the two. I snuck out of the routine for a little bit to go the gym, but even there the Brother's Grimm followed me and I ended up reading some creepy German fairytales. Like, super creepy. I don't thiink I would ever show them to my children. Or especially I wouldn't read them out loud, because I would just feel guilty. "And then the stepmother cooked her son in a stew, and fed him to his clueless father." Yeah, not so cool, or encouraging.

I want to only speak in Spanish for the rest of the year. It just sounds so nice, but I am terrified to speak it in front of real life Mexicans or Latin Americans. Bummer.

My business professor seemed real cool because he looked like Harrison Ford, and had a pretty decent voice. But then he spent a lot of time talking about God in a way that was totally off-base. It took all of ten minutes before I was done. Done completely. I just didn't feel great about it, and I dropped the class. I don't want to take a class that leaves me with a weird feeling in my gut. The business world just does not appeal to me at all, because a lot of things in it go against everything I stand for. So I'm done and I don't know where I'm going from here. But the truth is is that it feels a whole lot better.

I realized today I only need like 4 or 5 classes to graduate now, because of no business life for the moment. But it tempts me into taking Spanish a lot further. So I don't know what I am even doing anymore. I don't have any plan, but there are a lot of ideas rolling around in my head that I am excited to give to God. This is going to be a really interesting season.

the thing about working out (which i accidentally went and did twice today, because i am starting to be in love with it, and watching sports on the little tvs, and trying to work all of the fancy machines...) is that is just makes me want to eat, so much. so i guess it's good that i'm not going to the gym to lose weight or anything, more like i just want to be able to bike up hills without having to get off and walk. that's a good goal to have.

i feel like i spend all of my time at the credit union now, or at least in anticipation of being at the credit union. today was the first day that it was slow for a long amount of time since i started, so i spent some time reading blogs, which was a welcome change of pace. so far i feel incredibly blessed by my job though. members surprise me every single day. today a man came in, and what happened between us was this: i finished helping him and asked our classic, "is there anything else i can do for you (your name here)?", and his answer was "well, you can put me on your prayer list tonight, that i would get a job." he said it half-jokingly but was actually totally serious. i was totally shocked for a minute because that has never happened to me at work, but i am encouraged by it. he had no idea i was a Christian; in all honesty, he probably assumed i was a member of another religion. but the fact that he approached me made me day. so i am praying for that man, and i hope he comes back in soon.

anyways. tomorrow is my day off. i think i'll stay up watching a movie i borrowed from noah hahn. it's good to know i have the same taste in movies as a twelve year old boy.

I have been to the gym twice in the past few days. It is a good use of my free time because I get to listen to teachings and build up endurance for all of the things I want to accomplish this summer. School starts on Monday, and I'm incredibly unprepared, but I know this semester will be alright. There is a lot on my plate this time around but I am not scared of managing all of my time wrong anymore. School is a long season, but it doesn't have to take me out of the picture completely. School isn't bigger than my God or good, Christian fellowship. I am stoked to go into this semester with that mindset. There will still be stress, but I feel much better about it.

in my dream the other night,

you weren't able to tell me how you felt about me. so what you did was get a bunch of m & m's and attach personal messages to them, things that you loved about me and so forth. i was pretty upset because i ate a few of them before i noticed the messages, and in those few i was afraid you'd said something quite profound. each phrase was well thought out and beautiful.

except for the biggest problem was that your sentiments kept making me late to work. it became too hard to concentrate on even dressing up nice. each minute counted against me so i was a little bit angry at you. but i appreciate the thought.

Spencer is singing loud songs while crying his eyes out, which I guess is his new way of showing grief. It's sort of sad because I can hear him from downstairs and he sounds so brokenhearted, but I know that all that happened was that his dog ate his new rabbit's foot from his grandpa. Like, 2 hours after he brought it home. Poor buddy, but he is at least not dying of a real life broken heart. It's so sad to hear, but at the same time strangely funny because he is just singing, singing like a drunk man. Times like these make me not want to be a parent for a little while. I don't know how I would even be able to begin to handle a situation like that.

The Bears lost today. Which, hello, they only lose when I actually watch the game. Like, I think I've watched like, 3 games, and they've only lost 5 total. What is going on with this?