i am not the problem, solution, OR conversation, yet i'm the one left dodging bullets. i am not angry, i am just stunned, and hurt. my intentions were never murky, they were crystal clear. i didn't intend to make anyone angry. i am just left living my life, which is the best i can do. today i officially became one of the unemployed too. give it a few weeks, and it will be a much more desperate thing. as for now, i think i feel okay about it. i still haven't pierced my nose, or permed my hair, but i've taken up an interest in rings.

the snow is beautiful these days. funny thing, it was disgusting last year. i never wanted it, and now i soak in every minute. yesterday we walked to the park in a half-blizzard and made a mess of the new snow. what a good feeling. God is good.

today a man came in with his girlfriend and spoke the weirdest language i ever heard. southpark better never get a hold of it, because it sure worked out well for them..but gawl, it sounded like nazi's trying to sing a kid song. how strange. he criticized the corporation and called everything a fake, but he was just trying to be a brat in front of his girlfriend. they told me she was from holland, which really ruined the fun. he told me he could hook me up with some alcohol when i went to uvsc too, but i guess that's irrelevant because i don't care. she kept telling him to shut up and he walked around with our shirt on for about an hour. they were pretty sympathetic about me getting laid off..with words along the lines of 'those effers' (i'm too ladylike sometimes..)\ and 'shit man'. so was the other man, who tried to explained to me how to get unemployment..forever. and then there was mr. gypsys, who said he could track with me because of a gypsy show on tv.

sometimes i think i'll miss these people everyday.

it all seemed so well-timed

CONFESSION:
i have never been in love. yes, it is a shock. i've had my heart speed up around certain people, and i've stayed awake all night having conversations. but for some reason i don't consider that love like teenage america does. love is so much more, because love is a verb. love is death, in a sense. true love involves dying to yourself every single day. in a true love relationship, the other persons emotional needs are ALWAYS above yours. i think that is so beautiful, and that i am so willing to wait for that. there are so many misconceptions about love. i am finally starting to have my own opinions. i don't believe in the perfect person, because i don't believe in A perfect person. anyone i meet is going to be broken and selfish like i am. that is a fact of life. i don't believe that love will complete me, because it won't. the only time i am complete is in my God, and that is a beautiful thing. until i feel complete in him, a relationship with anyone else will be a disaster. it's a crazy concept, but i believe it, against my better (or worst) judgement even. right now i don't need love because right now i can't give the love i should. maybe one day i will grow up and it will creep up on me. until then, goodbye fake loves. i don't need you, and you definitely don't need me.


in other words (this is how i described it to a friend doubting the very existence of love):

i believe in love because i believe in God. i don't believe that you will always be happy though..because we live in a broken, dying world that longs for something more. i believe that love is a lot harder than just hearts and kisses..i believe it is a continual battle to die to yourself and put other people first. i struggle so much with questioning it too, sometimes, because people are habitually liars and hard to trust. but i believe, and put my faith in the fact that God will work it out in some crazy way...even if it's not the 'perfect' person people promise us..cause they sure do, but no perfect person exists.

and obviously my body could not take this everyday, because my body is about to collapse.

marley ate my Christmas presents. i guess i shouldn't be surprised, but i'm still disappointed. it's worse when the person has already unwrapped it and seen it. getting them a new one seems cheesy, even. but i'll take what i can get.



i miss summer.

three stages of a weekend in progress

Friday:
welcome home stress; i thought you were gone for good. the water feels so good on nerves. the words echoing through the room, as i repeat them, verbatim: you're the hope of all men, you're the marvel of angels. this is what love is. this is what i get to experience for the rest of my life. i am trying to walk, and you are carrying me. stress has moved on to the guest apartment, and it only comes out when i am not trusting. it moves all the way out when i leave the house. i am alone on a stage. the sound is loud, so loud. everything sounds okay, even with four people that are so different. meet the masses and try not to throw up before God and men. prayer in a cold room is always such a beautiful thing. it does wonders for a nervous soul. the lights are low, and the crowd of three becomes a crowd of almost 200 souls. the set is over in record time, and it feels so good to be alive. we are been sanctified, slowly, painfully, but surely, as sure as anything else i have ever seen. one more song, and it feels like a community. amaretto gelato on a freezing night; undeniably God is good. best friends stick around for david bowie, and junk food, and even 2:30 when you just want to sleep.

Saturday:
sleeping in past 9:30 is such a foreign thing. hot chocolate and snow are a welcome addition to the evenson household. the world is so bright, we open the blinds to see it in all of its glory. the world is in need of more commercials, too, so we all head to the church and forget about jerry lewis. here comes the ipod, and caleb's screaming leaves the group unable to breathe, for a good 3 minutes. sometimes best friends really do have to go home, so we drove up to salt lake and said our goodbyes over chipotle. cabela's was close by. we stopped by and saw all of the dead animals on the walls. hundreds of men with flannel shirts that want nothing more than the coveted red rider bb gun of sorts. it's a mystery to me. home is where the heart is, and it's also where you make soup and pasta. life doesn't happen fast enough. the snow keeps people slow, so at 11 there is a knock on the door, and johnny comes in with wendy's for all. frosties and robot love are a good ending to a good day.

Sunday:
and then there was rest. and baseball. and art. and planning for faithwalkers. we baked muffins and stirfry. oldies were always playing in the background. LOST was never too far off from the real thing, if you catch my drift. eh eh.

hello, do you remember me?
i am almost the feedback in your ears that makes you cringe.
i am that vague idea you had yesterday.
i am that cowboy song that you hear on the radio.
i am maybe even the one that you love, but i'm not wishing that on you or on me.

how about the indecisiveness, did you forget about that too?
did you forget that i can't make up my mind?
did you forget that i get stressed out?
did you forgeting that i don't know how i should feel?

i guess you forgot that i didn't want you to remember me, either.



i haven't been able to say the right words for a few weeks, and it's really starting to take its toll.

i just have that digusting feeling inside of me, and i know that it's real when paul says that our soul is in a constant battle. the things i want to do, i don't, and the things i don't want to do, those are the things that i do. i guess i miss the innocence, but not the ignorance, is all. God can still save a wretch like me. that is all i need to hold onto anymore.

and, really, i think i am going through my 'shy away from people' phase. are we all supposed to have those?


i am a stress case.

confession: i am wearing someone else's old nose ring, and that is probably disgusting for a thousand reasons. and really, i just don't know if i am ready to take the leap and stick a real hole through my nose. maybe in a year. and also, tonight i am never going to be in love, because that is a waste of my time and heart.

the latest in a long line of thieves.

none of my thoughts are together enough to write about a single thing.


-i like ani difranco again today. it just happened 6 minutes ago, in correlation with the song manhole. she is such an angry dredlocked girl, but i bet she sits on the couch and eats salsa every now and then, too. she probably even takes off her shoes when she comes inside. and now, i am wondering why i have gone a good year without appreciating her music.

-last night everyone was glitter and high heels, and i was a little less than a barista. it was a nice thing though, because people didn't need pictures of me. anytime you dress important, people think they need to document it for everyone. it's like one of those unwritten laws that we used to make up. i took half of the pictures, so i guess i'm guilty too.

-it's that time of the year again where i really just want to lay in bed everyday. maybe that's why i gain weight in the winter. i just wish it wasn't 30 degrees all the time. that makes me really hard for me to live.

-when did i become the girl that people were nice to? sure, the white stripes were on, and the man DID have a foul mouth, but those were usually factors anyways. i think i'd rather just not talk. i don't believe in messing with hearts and minds and all of that stuff. i am quiet, on the whole.

if you want to act that part for me, i think you should grow up a little bit first. maybe i'll be waiting, but i'm not ready for that. are you, even?

anyways.

these feet have walked all over this town, and they're tired. these eyes have seen eight hours worth of jewelry, and they want to stare into black. these ears are doing pretty good though. dustin kensrue always gives me the chills. his voice is even better than coffee. i may not be able to taste it, but i can feel it tingling in my bones. that's good enough. finally these things are making sense. finally i realize that i am playing music for over one hundred people on friday. the terror of that hasn't sunken in yet, but i figure i'll just settle for nerves instead. finally i don't love boys, just not as much. finally, FINALLY, i am not a little girl anymore.

goodnight, life.

the cocaine, the pills, they weren't ever it. they were more of a means to an end, a habit that was a little more than inconvenient. what she really needed to be cured of was something that rehab didn't fix. you couldn't learn it in 12 steps, and heaven forbid with detox. she was obsessive. she wanted to be in someone elses skin. the picture in the magazine sufficed, because she had learned to take what she could get. hours on end, sitting in front of it. hours in front of the tv, memorizing the lines, hanging on every dripping word. she was drowning in it. this woman etched into her brain. she wanted to be her so bad. it hurt to think sometimes, because each thought should have been more like 'hers'. each look in the mirror was a stab in the heart. so it was completely natural when cocaine came along. at least that was something they could have in common: they screwed up sometimes. it was like they had a common secret, a common goal. getting high, buzzed, whatever, it did nothing for her. she put the powder up her nose just because that is what you do for a person(they'd never met, of course). she learned that the stars came to rehab in her city, in a spa up in the mountains. closer than ever, she became more desperate than ever. SHE WAS THERE. with every fiber of her being, the girl tried to get in trouble. it was such a lonely thing, with her drugs, alone in a park, hoping to be seen. one day, it happened. her family didn't have the money for the rehab, but connections were made, and she was going to the spa. ecstatic was an understatement. nevermind aching debt, she was going to meet her idol. within a few days she was there. her neck was constantly craned, she searched painstakingly, but she could never find who she was looking for. she heard whispers, she saw men in black suits. she would have killed to see her, but she was never around. her heart ached so bad. "I RUINED MYSELF FOR YOU..THIS IS FOR YOU". she woke up screaming so many nights, and everyone assumed it was withdrawals. she was let out finally, more miserable than ever. not one glance of her hero. broken, bleeding, she turned back to the drugs, this time as the end, not the means.

i am alive, quite fully this morning.
there is a boxer puppy laying on my foot, and i am wearing two pairs of socks.

sometimes i don't understand the way that God works. was i ever supposed to, though? for "His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts higher than my thoughts". i've seen so many people broken lately. the man that is the absolute EPITOME of joy has a bad seizure. the little girl that follows me around falls off her bunkbed and develops a brain bleed. it scares me sometimes, just as bad as it hurts. my example of joy, love, and peace, the world needs that man. they need the whole man, his speech, his clear thoughts, his ability to function. i need that little girl, to make me smile and laugh and see love. her mom needs her, and the six others, to bring joy in the hardest times. life is such a crazy thing. one minute someone is okay, the next you have that sick feeling in your stomach. sometimes i feel selfish because i need these people. i need them so bad. who am i to question God's will, though? and when they get better, i know that He just wants me to trust him in ALL circumstances. and that is a scary, world-changing concept.

like i was reading today: LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.
that is life, right there.
All of my heart: all of my affection, my joy, solely for Him. all of my love towards other people. committed, unselfish LOVE.
All of my soul: eternally. all of the depth of my being that i don't even understand, usually.
All of my mind: all of my thoughts about him and his glory. all of my thoughts towards others. all of my thoughts when i am just by myself.
All of my strength: what i do for him. my service, watching kids or playing guitar onstage. all of my time, as i lay down exhausted at night.

if there were a soundtrack to my life, bob dylan's highway 61 revisited would come in right as i was moving to provo, and would probably stay on a loop for a good ten years.

good God, can you still get us home?

today is december 1st, and i was able to walk around outside barefoot. i think that i really like this life.

my sleep isn't a consistent thing anymore. 2 am, 3 am, 5 am, and 6:05 make it hard to sleep. also, whose idea was it to start texting me when everyone else fell asleep? i woke up today with 8 new messages. seriously. my eyes hurt, and i'm pretty sure that i'll never get better, but life is pretty good. i'm not just counting the hours until the next day, or event.

anyways:
"The Christian's describe the Enemy as one 'without whom Nothing is strong'. And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why, in the gratification of curiosities so feeble that the man is only half aware of them, in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off" -C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters.

"it was so easy to fall in love with you, it felt almost like a home of sorts or something." -josh ritter.

he rode the horses, he had the drawl, but he was still too short. my heart almost hurt for him. everything was okay though, because he met a little lady, and they got married. they moved on, onto their own mountain and cowboy children (and later, cowboy grandchildren). in the winter they were stuck at home because of snow, but in the summer coyotes would sing them to sleep. the sky woke them up every morning with it's reds and yellows. the patchwork quilt was neatly replaced; the coffee was black and fresh, at 5 am everyday. his boots were left outside so she wouldn't have to sweep up piles of dirt. he replaced them at 6 each morning but wasn't ever able to take them off until right after sundown. it was a rich, quiet sort of life.

she, on the other hand, lived in the city. the freeway was congested; the air was polluted and grey. she longed for black nights and bright stars, and maybe even that prairie grass. the city was beautiful, but the buildings didn't hold up compared to the mountains. people in the city wanted more of everything: more money, more sex, even more fat. she longed to meet just one person that was content. each passing train was an opportunity not taken. each day was another day of dirtier lungs and the desire to be somewhere else. maybe the country, where the people were few and far between, or maybe somewhere foreign. she was something of a daydreamer, but she never acted on her dreams because a small part of her was just comfortable enough. i wanted to tell her to act on an impulse, just this once, but the words just never came out.

good grief

today i drank a cappucino that tasted EXACTLY like a cigarello. seriously. i was expecting a dirty aftertaste, but not black-lungs dirty. i don't even know what more to write about that.

my dreams are so strange. last night everyone had needles with liquid in them, and we were injecting them in everything but ourselves. they weren't drugs, but i was afraid that if i put them in myself i would be addicted. i tried to throw them away to hide them from my parents, because i knew my mom's heart would be broken, but taylor kept pulling them out of the garbage. then the view switched. i was with kelsea and caleb, and they were just trying to entertain us. we lived right next to the ocean, and the waves were coming up higher and higher, until they almost reached the house. kelsea kept saying she was caleb, and then she put on a puppet show. caleb was asking me if he could come over and play the drums, and i told him no, because i didn't have a drum set. he was confused. the ocean decided to go back down, so the sunken ship appeared and everyone climbed out. we took their old sea clothes, even though they were still wet. caleb kept trying to put jackets on kelsea because it was windy, and i couldn't figure him out because one was a yankees jacket and another was a red sox jacket.

that, all in all, is much more interesting than my real life. today i went up to the u for awhile to check it out. funny that it may become part of my life for 3 years, and all i could think about was 'do i REALLY know that asian guy over there?'. i went to band practice too. two whole hours of an amp that sounded like it was left in the mud. i miss acoustic, and sometimes i just ache for the day when i don't have to go electric.

"You make me REALLY want to take pills. Good thing you don't deal drugs, or I'd totally buy them from you.."
-Moriah, when I was taking some ibuprofen tonight


my head and heart want to be in italy tonight, and i can think of one good reason:
1. they don't speak english, most of the time.
seriously, that would be terrifying. and beautiful. sitting at a cafe, outside, i could hear so much BEAUTY, because i wouldn't understand it. also, the coffee there looks so much better. duhh.

some good things that happened to my night:
-vanilla cappucino. it makes me so happy, with it's dirty aftertaste.
-salt lake city. oh how i miss you, except you make me feel too young.
-listening to NPR on the freeway. their voices are soothing, even when they talk about the failing economy. seriously.
-my old yamaha. five years of new strings and dents, and it still sounds beautiful to my ears.

and some other things that happened:
-always ending up with provo. maybe not awkward, but hard.
-really being too young.
-having the same pair of pants (and probably same size, too) as a man 7 years OLDER than you.
-the feeling in my throat, like someone inflated a balloon and left it in there.

good night.

today i kept calling the wrong dog, and i couldn't figure out why she just wouldn't come inside. that probably describes the condition of my head lately. i don't really think, or at least i don't remember thinking. it's headache season. goodbye peace of mind and hello waking up at 3:08. goodbye solidity and HELLO chaos. does anyone know the cure?

sometimes i feel like i am living in two different cities. i leave a little piece of me with the laughter in salt lake, or the tears in provo. it is a weird thing, when they both blend together. winter is a funny thing too, a lonely, long kind of thing. winter is coming, and i think i would rather just move south for a few months. i could go to mexico and really learn my spanish. instead of only being able to order from a restaurant or get directions, i could ask someone about the state of my health, or describe the geography of utah. snow is fine though, at least the first time. after that it just becomes something annoying, like the barking dog down the street.

i guess that is my life, stripped of all real complications. there is still the issue with actually reading shakespeare, and deciding what in the world i am doing with my life. my room is still messy and i still have to work a ten-hour shift on friday. there are finals, and projects, and band practices. there is not falling in love, even when i want to so bad, and not drinking any form of coke, ever.

thank God for easy mondays, and ryan adams. what would i do without them?

"You see, I am trying to quit my vices one at a time. January was drinking, June was smoking. I'll quit drinking soda some other time, and God gave me coffee for a reason; I am NOT quitting that."
-Tony

"you were home for me and i was home for you"

it's easy to fall in love with the people that you don't spend time with. you pointed your weapon of choice and gunned down my heart and soul. i was still trying to fix things up inside when i realized that i didn't have to, that it wasn't even real. skin is only beauty deep, or something along those lines. beauty isn't in being really tall or really skinny, like i thought it was. true beauty involves changing guitar strings or falling asleep to your favorite song. it might be passion, or confusion (not in the masses). beauty was left with that person sleeping on your couch. now it's a fantasy at best, the one that puts your daughter to bed at night.

i don't know the right words anymore. i lost them a long time ago. but you do, oh how you do.


on a side note, i am a really happy person lately. i like the whole idea of being given grace for the moment, because a moment can be so many things. i get grace when i mess up the coffee during a show, or even when i am thinking about yelling at the old lady at work. i don't have to walk around with a thousand pounds on my shoulders, because in that moment i am always going to be okay. when i space out during worship, and forget what i'm playing even as i'm in the middle of it, life isn't a disaster. it's a beautiful thing, really.

"And she's ten miles of peace..and the hardest of nights
-Ryan Adams



i think i met the real international man of mystery, and i can tell by the way he writes texts and how he smiles and how no one really has his phone number. i would like to get to know him better, but he is just too elusive. he comes and goes, and no one ever knows where he is. dang, man. no connections, except showing up late at an occasional party if there's time. where IS work, really?

thoughts for this weekend:
-invisible children follows me around. seriously. he stopped calling me, but there they were, the whole 2 hours we were at starbucks. creepy.

-i can't make decisions very well. i don't feel older, but i feel like i have less time to make up my mind. february first is when everything needs to start falling into place.

-even monopoly has a credit card these days. i can't even find my own dang debit card half of the time.

-the music up in salt lake is good. i could probably even fall in love listening to it. i like the sound of the snare drum too much.

-i made a list of all of the qualities i want in a husband, a few years too early. i figured i'll save it and show it to him. hopefully there is a real person that can even fill all 50 qualities i chose. shoot.

-i am never riding in an old accord again. that just translates into encounters with death.

-after playing music for 5 years, i finally learned how to roll cables to sound man way. shoot.

i am happy today...i am partially in love with so many things today.

spirited words

i finished my research paper after 2 weeks of wishing i'd finished it, so still being awake seems natural. congratulations for surviving, kid, you only have 3 more years of this. the major source of my stress left me with my final point, and then my printer ran out of ink. life sure is funny, sometimes.

i'm thinking of you coming back into my life, and i was wondering if you'd do it slowly? slower than you left, and slower than you entered, please. maybe it would be best if you only came back on weekends. holidays would be okay, too, and the occasional rainy day. just don't do it too often, and don't say too much. i have my own opinions these days, you know. i hope you do too. i don't want this, i do want this, but everything outside of me screams to wait. and so i do wait, and i'm starting to like that feeling. like playing guitar and making use of the wrong chords. it's like discovering that i can breathe. it is entirely rational and yet completely illogical. or maybe the other way around. did i ever really believe in life any differently?

maybe, on second thought, being awake isn't rational either.

tonight i am sleeping in jeans again. this is the new me, the one i am growing into, because the old me would have planned better. the old me, with the clean hair. maybe the new me will even be able to go a whole day without making the bed, a whole day without thinking you or them or what in the world i am even supposed to be doing with my life. maybe the new me can make decisions.

i like looking at the freeway through foggy windows. the heat was so high that it made your head spin, and i don't know how devin kept driving. everyone fell asleep so i stared at all the flashing lights and tired cops. when you spend a year away from a city like salt lake, you get disoriented. all the faces are new. all the people are new. all of the bands and the roads and the buildings even seem new. he had never lived up there, he'd been in provo all his life. i had no excuse. i think i miss that, just a little bit.

it is a very strange thing when new friends remind you of old ones.

i got a girl with my name to take my sunday shift, which means i have a FULL week off. i think i really will miss all of the old people though. i practically work at a nursing home, except i never clean out bedpans. today an old man came in with his beanie on top of his head...not covering it, just sitting on top of it. i think he was trying to be nine again. another lady came in, and the whole time i was helping her and her husband find pants, she was making sounds that basically meant 'my dentures are falling out'. these old people make me smile so big..maybe i should find somewhere else they gravitate towards.

i feel happy right now, where i am. the cold is almost unholy, but you take what you can get.

and nothing is as beautiful as when she believes

ben harper soothes my soul, especially when my writing class is starting to kill me. i'm so shaky, and i just want to take a sick day and sleep, sleep, sleep.

my rest is in JESUS.

on a side note, obama won, and i think i am ready for that.

i'm living more life up in salt lake.

yesterday was a dream. i woke up hearing things, and i fell asleep on the floor. sometime in between i had band practice, and i tried to play all of the songs standing on my x and not throwing up. work was a fragment of a thing. i was there for all of three hours and got almost nothing tangible accomplished. the carpet was warping and twisting, but technicalities, technicalities, and here we go to salt lake. the music is good, and, for the record, we are not matching. nice shoes. here comes my stomach, and there it goes. maybe water will help the problem, but not hot water. my muscles are free, and floating, and what in the world is going on? one am comes and goes..and comes and goes again. oh well, maybe all that we are looking for really is in the car, so let's brave the storm. good night, good morning, and good luck.

what am i saying, where have you been? i miss you when i am at a loss for words. i sometimes even miss you when i look in the mirror, but i guess that isn't too important, because sometimes i forget you too, you know.

i guess i really like pad thai.

things that made this week better:
-the book of matthew
-getting something accomplished at band practice
-going back to coffee
-being friends with devin and chianne
-thinking about things
-new sweatshirts
-acid tongue
-friday night conversations
-going to university mall
-jerry lewis
-stomach butterflies.

other than that, i'm tired, so tired.

i still like jerry lewis just as much as i did at the end of last year.

"i'm just a nowhere, and that's the worst kind of something that you can be."

i really need to go move around about now, but instead i'm sitting on the couch with brewster next to me and america trying to get me to buy a car. is this going to happen when i'm 30 too? will 15 year-old girls still try to be 25? will the economy still be terrible?

everyone's dog in provo has a sweater. it reminds me of being little and having schnapps. that dog looked old from the moment he was born. i could never figure out what his name meant until i was about eight, and then i would giggle everytime i said it. i guess i miss having that dog around a little bit. he never did much, and he would let austin and i put clothes on him. marley just bites and cries and does all the things a human baby couldn't ever get away with. it would be okay, except she isn't even cute. isn't that the reward for having a puppy? nevermind that you ate my moccasins and peed on my bed, i like squeezing your face.

today a lady came in and talked to me at work for a good twenty minutes. those people are always so funny. she kept talking about how, yes, she HAD been at Haight-Ashbury. it came up about 5 times in our conversation, along with 'yeah, i just got stitches out of my eyes' (and then a pause where she took her sunglasses off to show me her yellow and blue skin). i felt like i knew this lady after she left. it was depressing in a way; i was probably the person she talked to most that day. all she wanted was a peace sign necklace, but she left with three things and a new friend. i maybe should make it a point to really talk to a sales clerk once. maybe i should show them pictures of MY family. it's funny to know that i won't be at mervyn's two weeks from now, since i've been trying to quit for so long. i guess i'll have to find a new lady that looks like don knotts, and a new hari khrisna girl to try and make sense of.

"well, i know she says a-s-s a lot, but i don't think she's ever learned anything worse than that."
"i've heard worse, jeena."
"really, like what?"
"like 'i'm gonna play the effing drums, and no one is ever going to stop me, not even my mom."
"OHH?"
-jeena and i talking about her daughter syvanah

i keep seeing a lady that looks like don knotts, EVERY time i am at work.

i hope i'm not imagining her.
that lady is keeping me sane.

the fact that i was steaming didn't really bother me. the air was cold, and the snow was falling as we sat in 100 degrees. my head was in a completely different world than my heart was, figuratively and literally. i miss you, sandy. i miss you, late nights and deep conversations and feeling a little more alive, naturally.

i think i remembered why we are best friends:

"you know what? i just wish he were ugly. that would make life so much easier."

"he should just be your maid of honor, then."
"or i can just make my husband be best friends with him so he could be the best man."
"yeah, you could just marry my brother."



and i think i remembered why we were best friends, but those are reasons that i'll keep to myself.

i have some buckets to hold onto now:
-that God saved me from the fall, not the curse. i can't expect tihs life to be fine.
-that I need to be thirsty
-that I am blessed
-that hot tubbing is so good for your SOUL.

we posed so well, but the heart wasn't in it. it never was. maybe if you really looked into my eyes, you would see massive exhaustion. would you teach me what to do with that? 

i guess today i am a dreamer, because today i am tired. i've been trying to spit the words out for 3 days now, but nothing works. this is a fantasy, because in reality dogs don't chew their toenails and there is NOT some creepy sound coming from the next room. in the real world, cold air is coming through the window and the beatles are incredibly modern. my eyes are bloodshot, and the world is still spinning, spinning, spinning. right now is a make believe world where the economy is made up of monopoly money, and everyone eats black bean burritos for breakfast. my words really do make sense and the headache is obviously gone. come there with me for just a day? 

stress does that to a body. let's go while we still have time. let's ride bikes through the forest. let's ignore the ciggarette smell coming through the open window. spontaneity. try with me. 

the sunset is beautiful, too. God gives me the funniest little things when I am about to pull all of my hair out. maybe i just wasn't meant to be bald.

today the complaining started at 9:15 and didn't end until after church. i guess that was what put me in a bad mood. every word was a reason, every breath saying that we are better. that's what it felt like, at least. this world isn't as beautiful through the eyes of a pessimist, or at least the words of one.
i think a lot of this life is about choices. you can choose to hold you tongue or you can choose to speak your mind; you can choose to grow up, or you can choose to stay young; you can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to feel awful. people always complain that they can't help it, but i think that we all can. sometimes it's not easy, sometimes it's the hardest thing we can do. being happy is the hardest thing to do at times. but, you know what? it's fulfilling. tonight at life groups i was struck hard by the beauty of community. there is nothing more exciting than being in a room with people that are as eager as you are. i get more and more thirsty as the night goes on. God created us to be in league with people, to laugh and cry and share our lives with them. I think that it is absolutely beautiful. we were talking tonight about each individual passion and talent we have. if all of us were to use that talent on a daily basis for God, think of how different this world would be. i want to be that person. i want our church to be a body. i am so tired of being lukewarm. i want to the rock to be a huge, all consuming fire. the people around us want it, they need it. i have friends that are so broken, and all they need is purpose. they need healthy relationships, with Jesus first and then others that can help them. i don't want to let them down, i don't want to let my God down. sometimes it makes me SICK how selfish i am. i invest my time in the stupidest things. i want the crown that will last. Like Ramses was saying tonight, it's like a candle. I want to be burnt down to the very end by the end of my life, because none of the wax is coming with me. i want to be used as much as possible. sometimes i hate to say that because i know God will actually do it. if i ask him to change my life, he will do it. i want to trust that he can change a wretch like me. i do trust it. so here it is, being bold, being passionate and not apathetic, being different than the rest. here is prayer, and desperation, and grace in every extent of the word. here is life to the full. let's take it to the world, guys.

i love you all.

i put some clothes on inside out today, and i didn't even notice until it was too late to do anything about it.

this is when i don't have any clever words to say yet. today is only monday. yesterday i walked through creeper reams and tried to be brave. you would have laughed at me, right? today a guy came up to me dressed up, with a painted face, and asked me if i liked haunted houses. i guess that the whole time i was just hoping that wasn't code for 'hey, dudes, let's rob her.' four guys in halloween costumes and actually, they were just trying to sell something to me. it seemed more dangerous than that..dangerous like all the times i stayed up until 6 am. i felt brave afterwards, and i don't really know why.

so that's it.
let's go on a bike ride.
let's watch the leaves change colors.
let's breathe in the fall air.
let's play music, and laugh, and remember.


on a final thought, just let me marry a man that can play guitar and harmonica...at the SAME time.

our friendship is based on guitar and music and a few same shared ideas, and our friendship happens bi-weekly.

sometimes i just hurt and don't know why. sometimes might be tomorrow, but it isn't today. today is just an extreme case of please don't be getting sick.

the rain is just pouring down though, and i wish it would never end.

new friends make you hurt sometimes. jack never saved a life, man.

sugar spell it out.

i hope i didn't upset your wife, blonde guy. i don't know what jewelry wives like. maybe when i get married, i'll phone you up and explain to you our mistake. but, more likely than not, i will forget about you after i fall asleep tonight. sorry.

i want to dream for a few hours, or maybe a few days, or years. i want it to be like a few summers ago. remember when i asked why you never slept anymore? probably not. that's okay though.

so, if you were to go through my backpack, you would find:
shakespeare
2 notebooks
a Bible
some pens
a highlighter
a journal
2 decks of alcohol playing cards
1 blow-pop
a wallet
a college writer's reference
irresistible revolution
a jane austen book
some sunflower seeds, strewn about
philip's sunglasses
a box of miniature colored pencils
some sharpies
excedrin
hand sanitizer
and a
whole lot
of safety pins.

if that was all you had to go by, then i guess i would be a pretty interesting person. what would you think of me then?






i miss you, sometimes.

today was the kind of day you could put on repeat in your cd player.

school went by in record time, and my professors made life easy. i baked some caramel apples, and nothing reminded me of you. today was sharpie art and new recipes, too. it was highlighting the Bible in the school library. a proverb a day does real, lasting good for a soul.
yup, today ended with a davy jones haircut and a cracked guitar. i sat on the floor and jammed with devin. we turned a song into something new, and i remembered what PASSION is: lighting up, forgetting the rest, and not being able to talk fast enough to express it all. today ended with goofy smiles at the drive up window. goodbye zach, goodbye matt, hello home and mewithoutYou and borrowed guitar.

i think the trend right now is to be in love. i missed the memo, but i am fine with that. being sad about lost relationships is just as trendy, though. i guess i'm not on that boat either. not right now, not anymore. God is good. i trust that he has a plan, even though i have no clue.

Collin: "but having a mustache isn't bad."
Josh Hunter: "but he has a teenager mustache!"

reckless abandon. those are beautiful words.
i want them to represent my faith.
Jesus was reckless for us. He knew what he was doing, but he did CRAZY things.
He turned water into wine, even though the religious people wouldn't be thrilled.
He spit on mud and helped a guy see.
He told stories to people.
He thrhew over tables inside of a temple.

I love that brave Jesus, and I don't want him to be put in a box.
I love the Jesus that would come up to me and start a conversation like anyone else.
sometimes, though, i don't start that conversation myself.

I want to be COMPELLED by Christ's love, to live my life differently.
that is my prayer.

be my passion, my flame, my love.

i am losing everything lately.
it will only be a matter of time before i lose my hair, and my eyesight, and my mind.

i've been waking up with headaches again, too, the kind that make you want to go back to bed and not come out. it just aches and aches and ican'tthinkstraight. and when it dulls, i am left with all of the thoughts i couldn't have before. i think i've been left alone with my head too much lately, and songs with sweet lyrics, and sunflower seeds. i miss having music flowing through me like a bad addiction. my head works in no correlation with my heart anymore, and i've been having really weird dreams. last night it was my best friend, and the girl of his dreams was getting proposed to and saying yes. his heart was broken, and it was all in real time. i had to let him cry on my shoulder, and tell him it would be alright, but i don't think i fixed anything inside of him. it was a sad dream, but i was happy because i hadn't ever thought she was right for him.

so i guess that's it. i need to clean my room, and take some ibuprofen, and try to figure out where anything is anymore.

at least the leaves are changing colors.

good morning hospital, did you notice me sleeping in the back of the honda?

:the guitar player taught the drummer some scales, and the band ended up doing okay. just, you know, in case you were wondering. the killer headaches came back at THREETWOONE blastoff speed. i think would amputate my head if i didn't need it so dang bad.

:i don't fall in love with people these days, as often. it's really nice. i don't remember to do my laundry these days either. i hope those two things aren't related, cause if they are i might have a problem.

:if i put off sleeping much longer i might just become an accidental insomniac. at least then i could pretend like i was in fights all the time, since i'd have circles under my eyes. people might give me a little more grace, at the grocery store or when i am tired at work.

:college is stressing. no, i don't care that shakespeare talked about sex all the time, or that china doesn't have a good word for coke. just let me sleep a little bit longer.

i think i'll just let neko case sing me to sleep now. good night.

how about i just postpone fall for a few weeks, until i buy more sweatshirts. maybe i can just get permanent iv contrast stuck in my arm, then i would never be cold. i could take it out during the summer, but bring it up camping just in case.


but anyways, i guess i just wanted to say that i love dave matthews. "Oh oh, eyyyaaayy, umm ahh eyyyayyy"

my mouth tastes like a cigarette, what is going on?

the traffic school cop wasn't a creeper but a really funny guy.


"but now i find myself forgetting. and, the funny thing is, i don't care a bit. i look back at some of the stuff, and, honestly, i laugh half of the time. freeing. "i'm gonna break my rusty cage and run." that is exactly what it feels like. i'm done. i've been given too much grace and too much love to stay trapped inside of my mind and all of the crap i throw at myself. i've sort of pieced things together lately. i got my heart broken one time. i was killed by hypocrisy. but you know what? that was the turning point. if it weren't for that, i'd still be stuck inside looking for the light UNDERNEATH the bed. now i'm outside and the light is overwhelming. no looking back. light overtakes all dark. dark cannot overtake light."

i wrote that a long time ago, but i like it.

on my mind

-i want to marry a guy that is like my best friend. just like him, really, except not him at all. i want to marry a guy that:
-is honest, even when it's awkward.
-is the first to make sure you're okay.
-tells you it's okay when you fail your first college test ever..that you're ahead of yourself anyways, and that you need to stop worrying.
-skips class with you to go get italian, even if you are the only two people in the restaurant.
-listens to all of your crazy thoughts, and even laughs at your stupid jokes.
-buys you lunch and tells you not to worry about the money you should owe him
-tells you to just NOT WORRY, and that it's okay.
-tells you (in mcdonalds, of all places) that you are a good person, that you are smart, that you are beautiful, that you are NOT stupid.
-tells you the above through making his sister repeat after him.
-still opens doors for you, everytime.
-calls you up at random times to hang out.
-drives you around with the music sosoloud.
-makes you smile and feel like you really are an amazing person.
oh gawl. i am glad i have someone like that in my life every once and awhile.

-17 year old boys. do you really still ignore girls if you like them? i don't think that is something i can ChaCha, but it's something i can laugh about.

-ChaCha. i love it. addicting.
moriah: "Why does a quarter have two sides?
"ChaCha: "Well, to exist really, if you think about it."

-spontaneous parties. last night, because collin's parents are in park city. 5 people turned into 6 more real quick. we don't drink, we just play with drunk goggles. funny. driving home at 2 am and really hoping not to get pulled over is always an adventure.

-band practice. i play guitar, with kids that are one and two and four years younger than me. it's like babysitting, but instead i play the chords and pretend to know how to be electric. i'm distorted for the first time, and i'm pretty sure that i have never had my guitar up this loud in my life.

-i just don't think i'll ever get over you. but maybe because you aren't exactly like my best friend, even though i wish you were. maybe because i don't understand myself, or maybe because i am crazylikeophelia. or maybe because you don't like me. or, maybe just because everytime i see you i get really nervous and can't breathe normal for a few minutes. but really, i can't stand you half of the time. i don't know where that is going.

and in the moment when the metal is crunching, and everything is loud, you wonder
why am i so calm?

I have a huge God, a God that gives me comfort and peace and sanity in the craziest times. I have a God that protects me and takes care of me. I have a God that LOVES me.

I have no car. I have no money. None of that really matters, though. I am breathing, I am hoping, I am just another broken person trying to change the world...butineedyoutohelpme.

sometimes the bravest thing to do is not to turn to the person you think you need most.
sometimes the bravest and hardest thing is to not say one word.

I am content. I am sore, but I am content.

today feels like a text message at one am.

but, instead it just won't rain.

bad timing

i think she fell in love with the wrong boy.

he liked her most at the worst times and she didn't like the way his hair fell on his face. they wore matching shoes and pretended that they didn't talk about each other when the other wasn't there. he was too unpredictable, she was too indecisive. she always knew where he was in a room and he always knew what she was wearing. sometimes thinking about him made her sick, and sometimes he couldn't stand the sight of her. other people saw something in them, but they both denied it with a shaky laugh. they argued a lot, but i think she liked to disagree with him occasionally. the music was always loud for them, and they tried to sing what they could remember.
(sheonlysawthat)
they sat next to each other in dark rooms and never touched. it was never a dangerous game for them. he wanted to see her hair at its natural, she wanted it all to go back to that first car ride in the snow. it was innocent and it was bliss. sometimes they didn't talk for weeks at a time, other times they would go on for hours. he knew some of her crazier dreams, she knew about what stressed him out most. on the weekends they would sit on the carpet and talk about what life would be like when they had grey hair. it never scared them, but it was always something they could laugh about. he would be the old man that yelled at the hooligans across the road while she was feeding the dogs and washing the dishes.

they were content, though. even when it was broken, even when the timing was off, even when he thought he was the wrong one and she agreed with him.. such was her summer and his waking dream.

the (american) dream

ireallywantaprimetime that i can enjoy for ten whole minutes, cause on tuesday and thursday it's back to sex, drugs and rock&roll that is english 1010.
ireallywant to see the ocean and smell it and look you in the face and explain that it's worth it. and iwantto not be angry or put the blame on you and i don't even want to talk.
iwantthemusic to flow down and feel like green tea on my throat and fire in my ears.
iwantthe
kickdrum to rage and the snare to crack and your guitar to come in and out like an old friend. iwanttodrive on the freeway and listen to that cd you gave me once,
and i wantto s h o w you my callouses and explain to you how i get headaches sometimes, and i wantyoutoBELIEVE me just this once.

and i want you to look me in the eyes and be sincere. iwanttowrite until my hands are bleeding and choke it down with a cup of black coffee.

but i never wear my retainer & you only settle for perfect teeth, right?

i just really wanted to watch someone get pulled over today. their day would be ruined, but i would feel better.

it's just been that kind of day, or week. i feel like yelling at everyone i know, and then i read the Bible and change my mind. i want to give up on people, and then i go and look at art instead. and, always, neko case is stuck in my brain.

maybe i should just become REALLY good friends with someone that acts just like jack black, and then i'll always have the comic relief. my head might be on fire, but he can just talk in a mexican accent and i'll laugh.

i guess i am just not motivated to live much of a high school life anymore, but my mom is on a huge college kick so i'm freaking out about everything. i have a whole entire class devoted to shakespeare and it sort of terrifies me. good thing i never work, and only go to school 2 hours a day, MAX. i'll be glad when december 16th rolls around though.

provo is pretty good, when i saw philip on my porch i thought he was emma for one second because his hair was really long. i'm pretty happy down here these days, even when collin and i talk about our lack of friends, and everyone is mad at me. i went to the farmer's market yesterday, and a huge part of me just wanted to be the person that went there every week, and not to smiths after everything, like i usually do. i finally found a salsa there that keeps me content.
i keep buying peach rings even though i hate them, and i came home to an incense stick burning in my room yesterday. my life feels rushed lately, but i guess it really isn't. zach and i became friends again, and i feel like i waste too much gas. i miss last summer, when not everyone wanted a ride everywhere. i don't really know what to do with myself now that LOST doesn't take up all of my life. it still takes up most of my thoughts though, i think i've seen 3 charlies and an eko in the past week or so. i think i'm going to keep my hair this color for as long as i can, and i think i'm going to wear more headbands.

i might sneak in an extra trip to sandy next weekend, mainly because i like driving on the freeway and also because joseph wants me to watch their band, everytime. i don't know though, there are other places to drive to and other bands to hear.