some of the more important updates i can think of.

the library and i are on speaking terms again. salt lake library, that is (sandy still refuses to acknowledge me). i don't owe them money, and they keep having everything that i want. it is a happy relationship.

"Jon, I think this music is a little too French for this early in the morning."
-A barista at a Starbucks. I like to imagine Jon is the kind of guy that doesn't use an 'h' in his name, but I guess that it wouldn't be his fault if one got in there.

I am in this weird limbo I have never been in before, which is that of having two jobs, and having a third pending. I feel like I am cheating on my real life boss, while I wait for the third deal to become official. My mouth keeps wanting to betray me with things like "I AM OUT OF HERE" or "wait I might actually miss baking" or "CALM DOWN", but I keep forcing it shut and working hard anyways. Hopefully the status changes from pending to funded soon, because this in between is making a fool of me.

My body is tired from that time yesterday that I went backpacking, and the rest of the times I have been working too many hours on my feet, but I am persevering. Things are happy in the sleepiness. In two weekends I will be back in the Midwest. My best friend has moved up to Salt Lake City, which gives me freedom to do silly things, like eat waffles in the night or smoke Primetimes on a porch. I am enjoying sound, and drinking coffee again, and spending more time in the mountains. The bruises on my legs tell me that I had a good weekend, despite the aches. Football is also back, which means that my Sundays are more relaxing than they have been in months, oddly.

On a sidenote. I timidly gave one of the regulars at the bakery a copy of one of my stories, in exchange for a lovely book he thought that I should read. He told me it brought him to tears and to keep writing, and that was an encouraging push that I probably needed. It feels good to create more than SEO content again.

God is gracious. God is kind. God gives me the hard and the easy mixed together and that is a lovely thing.

"I thought for a moment of the world outside my house, and then I didn't have anymore thoughts except the thought that I had to hurry up and sleep."-Raymond Carver

I feel this is a pretty accurate description of my nights for the past week. So. Much. Tired.

It's a busy season.
Days only working one job: 13/30 (good odds for once)
Days since I washed my hair: 4
Days since I've been in the mountains: too many
Days since I could properly put together a sentence: 0.

today i stepped into the kinross airport to see my cousins off before their long day of travel, and i started to tear up because i know that i am leaving this place next week too.

it hurts my heart to think about my life not taking place in the midwest. everything here smells good and it is home, more than any other place than i can think of, even my lovely salt lake. 
i don't want to leave, despite my arteries getting clogged. 
despite the mosquitoes, besides wal-mart being nearly the only store in town.
never mind the siberian winter, i could make it.

this past week has been too nice for words. 
salt lake feels like a burden that is hanging over my head. a deadline, maybe.

there are a lot of good things to come back to, friends to love, a church to serve, mountains to climb.
i love all of these things, and God has planted my flag in salt lake for a reason, but it is so hard to come back every year. this year i don't even have school looming over my head, so it just feels strange, to come back and continue my dead-end job. but i will keep moving. keep pursuing, and saying sad prayers, and trusting that God is using my small, day-to-day to benefit his Kingdom. and there is rest in that.

this time next week i will be sobbing silently in an airport in the middle of nowhere, but God has given me a lovely temporary home.  i am so blessed by my time in my small corner of what i imagine Heaven will look like.

summer has been a great blur of work and heat and "oh wait, it's already almost july" moments. i traded fun writing for SEO content writing, but that is tiring, so i am going to take some time off of getting paid to ramble, and ramble on my own terms.


there was that time i fell back in love with the mountains. i suppose i never lost any of the love i had for them, i just kind of forgot about it. between october and may it is virtually impossible for my little mazda to make it up the canyons, so the mountain love affair is put away. by the time may comes around, my heart is a little mushier, due to long months of comfort food and no exercise, so i have to work it back into hiking shape. i am there though. i have many new miles of dirt on my danner's to prove it. i want to go backpacking for a few nights, but getting time off of work for non-michigan related adventures simply isn't going to happen for me. michigan tempted me into taking a chunk out of my savings account again this summer. here's to another four-hour stint in the detroit airport.

another cool thing: i am planning on going to europe for a mission trip in 2014. this is scary to me for so many reasons. my heart has been to go to a place like honduras, because i feel very comfortable being quiet and getting dirty. it is very easy for me to go somewhere and serve with physical labor. sharing the gospel with a group of hard-hearted europeans, on the other hand, is not what i had in mind for myself. doors have always closed for me and latin america, but so many things are working for me to go to europe. i am terrified and still not sure if God will lead me all of the way there, but he knows what he is doing. i can only sit and marvel as things happen.

a few more things. mewithoutyou put on yet another great live show in salt lake city. my bakery is a whirlwind of drama and owner breakdowns and so many cupcakes. wedding season has not been too bad to me this year. i took a brief trip to california. brief is long enough for california, but it was good to spend time with my family. i met a sweet man who is in recovery at the rescue mission tonight and i just can't get him off of my mind. his heart to serve those who were serving him blew my mind. things are happy in salt lake city.

My car was perfectly clean until that moment when I left the windows cracked and all of the little leaves from the tree decided to slide their way in. I don't even know how they did it, but the floor and the seats are covered with tiny little leaf dots.

But besides my pointless car story. I am wondering if it is possible to have the country ingrained in your heart when you are from the city. I don't know if it's something I've carried for my whole life unknowingly, or if it's due to my recently renewed relationship with Michigan, but my heart is yearning for a life away from the city. I had a moment getting off of the interstate in Provo the other night, where I was surrounded by prairie grass, and Neko Case was sad-singing, where my heart felt like it was going to burst. I love Utah, so much. I love my church family and the work God is doing here. I love the mountains and the cute little blue houses and the fact that you just can't get lost. But, sometimes I have this incredibly frustrating emotion that makes me want to drop everything and run back to a place that I didn't even come from. How this get inside of me? I wish I could understand it.

I suppose I can find those places in Utah. Days spent wandering various canyon meadows, or nights watching the stars from the fields. But I can't and won't forget my times in the middle. Thanks for the reminder, Neko.


"weave between the seasons, under bridges and the valley, 'til the winds out on the prairie whip the tears from my eyes."

"The good thing about cheese is that it covers a multitude of sins."
-cooking wisdom from my Midwestern grandmother


I'm *officially* graduating on Friday, which means nothing to me except that my parents convinced some family to come into town. So that part's cool. When your family is spread out over all of the West (Midwest included), it gets hard to see each other. My parents and I have various church things, and my cousins have tennis lessons and college visits. We live in different worlds, but I can show them my 'good for right now' Salt Lake City, which I adore.

Good for right now. Maybe not good for later. God and time will tell. Right now I am enjoying the springtime and finally exploring my neighborhood without all of the snowy parts. There is a lot more to explore here than there was in the suburbs. The thing is, though, is that I am outnumbered by the hippies. They are everywhere, with their veganism, and their drum circles, and dreadlocks. There is no sense of Midwestern common sense. So many of these people look like characters that Fred Armisen has dreamed up. I guess they go home to their real families, and probably have to eat blandly healthy foods (without cheese, imagine that), so I suppose I shouldn't complain about them. They have their own problems to deal with, too...problems like which organic soy organic dairy-free milk is the best.

I am more cynical than I realize from day to day, but I am grateful that God can work on the worst of our hearts.

I think I took a break from exercise because I took a break from books. It was only fair. Except my body forgot what it was like to run and do push-ups and feel good again, so I am too pumped to sleep for my early morning job. My little upstairs bedroom is already summer-hot and I am wondering when that happened. It's nice to sleep with the windows open, except people are actually out late in Salt Lake. My neighbors chant and laugh and drink Fat Tire (how, I don't know) noisily out my window. I can see the Wells Fargo building out the same window, and it always reminds me of the time Nick tricked me into going and taking photos there for him. Salt Lake is good and nice, but I just wish I could replace Wells Fargo for the forest in my grandma's Michigan backyard. I still have dreams about that house and I am so happy to go back. I'm so happy to have family in town for my graduation so I can show them what life is like in not-so-dull Utah.

Enough rambling.
Sailor Jerry's and Dr. Pepper.
Goodnight Moon, goodnight Utah.

"there's a love that doesn't fail, no matter what you've done."

my car is scratched up and down. i'm tired, and sore, and working so many six day weeks.

but in the midst of this I AM SO BLESSED. i am so incredibly and beautifully blessed. it is more than i can fathom. God is amazing to a sinning complainer like me. 

I love my small group.
I love serving my church and my friends.
I love spending time with various Godly women.

My life is changing and my heart is getting ready for spring.
Sometimes, for reasons unknown, i suffer from social anxiety. i love people but the thought of interacting with them stresses me out. maybe it's because of past hurts, but God is totally doing a new work on my heart. i've been trying (read: forcing myself) to try and spend more time with the lovely people God is placing in my life. also, one of my coworkers is moving to SLC this weekend. whole new mission field.

God, shine through me in so many more ways than i ever thought possible. You are worth it, you are worth so much more than the small things i try to offer (which you have you given to me anyways). i want more from life than going to work and making a comfortable life for myself. I want YOU, with all the joys, the aches, the exhaustion, the reward, the tears, and the beauty that that brings. Fill me up and pour me out in service to You and others. all that i have is Yours. remind me of that. You are good and have good for me---how often i forget. this world has nothing except dust and false promises. all of the good, the beauty, the mountains and the valleys, fellowship, love, creativity, trees and sunshine and outside--that is all you. inspire my heart and stretch my faith. I love you. Soli Deo Gloria. 

"And the night was cool and clear as glass with the sneaking snake in the garden grass, as Deep cried out to Deep, the Disciples fast asleep. And the snake perked up when he heard You ask: if You're willing that this cup might pass we could find our way back home, maybe start a family all our own...but does not the Father guide the Son? Not my will but Yours be done! What else here to do? What else me but You???

And the snake who'd held the world, a stick, a carrot and a string, was crushed beneath the foot of Your not wanting anything."

-mewithoutYou

i've gone back to my poppy, coldplay loving ways. i don't know if i am ashamed of this or not, because it just puts me in a better mood.


i am reading the confessions of saint augustine. super stoked on this one.

i keep buying unnecessary books and trinkets at thrift stores.

i am not as angry about the snow as everyone else, because utah is so pretty. plus, i live close to all the places i need to go now anyways.

weeks get to be both short and long. i am confused about time lately. in three weeks i will get a whole week off of work, to spend time with my brother. my last vacation was michigan, so this will be a joy, even if it's a vacation to provo, utah. at least the air is less inversion-y. plus, i'm sure we will end up in zion...or at least, mapleton. i miss my little bro. every time he's been in town i've been tied to school and work, so this will be the first time we actually get a decent amount of time together. maybe he'll teach me how to get buff real quick.

sorry i am so lazy about capitalization. i am probably rebelling against seo writing, since this is all i have been doing.

tomorrow is my sabbath and i am going to enjoy it to the full. God is good to give rest. i keep thinking about the fact that our bodies could have been created to function without sleep, and we could get so much more done, but that God allows for rest in our lives simply because he is good. i always wish i had more time to get things done, but i am also learning to love naps, VERY MUCH, and i think God is so kind to have designed us to be able to just take a break for six to eight hours a night.

i am seeing God's kindness in the strangest things. goats, because they really aren't useful for much, and they eat everything, but they're so cute and hilarious. crazy days at work. gift cards for sweatpants. snow. salt lake. buffalo chicken. spyro the dragon. wine. God creates to bring joy and bless our hearts. i want to create, to write, to photograph, to give back. God is the best artist, and all my attempts are feeble, but He loves them nonetheless and i am so grateful.

Some quotes I have found saved up in my phone:


"That's the cleanest your hair has ever looked!"
-Garrett Anderson, giving compliments in his typical fashion

"On my band t-shirt quilt they are the only band that has TWO T-SHIRTS."
-Provo-Ann, with incredible enthusiasm. She showed me this quilt later in the night.

I have three full days off of work. Three. This is so rare I am not sure what to do with it. There are no major holidays left until like, July, so I probably won't have it again, except for the days I take off when my brother comes home. I am so excited for a Sabbath and rest from my crazy and long days.

It sounds so cliche and dumb, but I am already wondering why college was so long ago. I graduated in December, but I can hardly remember being Buff Crossfit Girl or Writing a Paper All Night Girl. I thought I would miss it more, and I do miss a few things, but all of my friends only want to complain about how hard college is. I still don't have much free time, but I don't have as many deadlines looming over my head, which is nice.

So much going on. I want to start doing a Bible study. I want to exercise more. I want to finish decorating my house and start on some projects. I want to fight this sickness that I feel coming on.


Oh, and some more warm days would be nice as well. Bring on spring, Utah.

oh deary me, when did i get so busy?

between job one and job two (which is a lot like being in school because of so much writing) i managed to get a terrible haircut and buy a car battery.  i also ended up sleeping in a super old house in provo, so that was fun. i haven't washed my hair in six days. i don't have a key to the front door of our building anymore so i have to wait to be let in like a dog. my boss forgot about an important meeting with a potential client so i had to have it for her. we just made six brand new items in three hours.

my head is spinning all around. i need to stop and rest and enjoy the busy days.

A couple quick thoughts on God, and work, and happy-sad days of no college:

I have been learning a lot on my slightly more laid back Bible reading plan.  I've done the One Year for the past two years, and honestly it's worn me out.  I love reading God's word but it is nice to be able to take things a little slower and really focus on the passages I feel I need more time on.  I've been reading the book of Genesis, which is super cool because it's basically God teaching people to trust Him.  It's a book about people screwing up and God showing grace and guiding them through crazy situations. Something that really stuck out to me was the story of Abraham and Sarah.  They were both getting old, and they were super stressed because they couldn't have a kid.  Finally Sarah, instead of trusting God, decides to have Abraham sleep with their servant, who ends up having a child and being resented.  Sarah tries to do things on her own instead of asking God for help, and it causes her incredible pain and jealousy.  God is gracious though, and He gives Abraham and Sarah a child of their own.  They are pretty old at this point, but God can do anything.  He blesses their son Isaac, saying that the inheritance will come through him.  Ishmael,  Abraham's son through Hagar, receives a blessing too, but it isn't the same.  God's plan always is better than ours, and his blessing falls on it, but God is still gracious when we mess up.  He didn't leave Ishmael to rot, but He made Abraham's hasty decision into something that brought God glory.  I love God's patience with us!

Work has been both encouraging and a mess.  I've been frustrated by having to train people (which I don't understand how to do) but encouraged by conversations with my coworkers.  One of my coworkers was telling me an analogy the other day about how if "we do our best God will do the rest" and my heart just broke for her.  That life sounds so burdensome, and it discredits God's unending grace.  I was able to share truth with her in that moment, a very hasty version of it, but God is good and I am so stoked to be able to sow seeds.  I am praying that she'll come to church with me.  She calls everything but 80's pop 'devil's music' so that has been an interesting adventure in legalism.  I know all the words to most pop songs now, but she told me I was the most Christ-like person she has met the other day, so it is all worth it.  I don't feel adequate in sharing the gospel, or that my life even reflects anything I want it to, but God is using me in ways I don't see.  This is going to be a good year.

Oh, and no college.  I have been working on decorating my tiny new bedroom and watching a lot of TV shows.  A lot being way too many.  I haven't read any books besides the Bible yet, but I will get there one day.  My heart has grown towards the snow this year, so that is an exciting mystery.  I love seeing it, I'm just ready for my poor little car to stop getting stuck everywhere (parking lots, streets, alleyways.  EVERYWHERE).  Even though the snow is pretty I am ready for the world to thaw so I can explore my neighborhood.

The sad part is really only that I miss walking around University of Utah mountain.  And Greg.  And my virtual nature class.

"Yes, these questions are still in my mind. In deep disappointment I have wept over the laxity of the church. But be assured that my tears have been tears of love. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Yes, I love the church. How could I do otherwise? I am in the rather unique position of being the son, the grandson and the great grandson of preachers. Yes, I see the church as the body of Christ. But, oh! How we have blemished and scarred that body through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists.

There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being "disturbers of the peace" and "outside agitators."' But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were "a colony of heaven," called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be "astronomically intimidated." By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests. Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent--and often even vocal--sanction of things as they are.

But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Letter From Birmingham Jail.

If only he could see us now.  I think that, despite the decreased racism, MLK would weep at the American church today.  I am convicted to the bone.  In what ways am I lukewarm?  Where do I back off when I should stand up?

"They were too God-intoxicated to be astronomically intimidated".  This blows my mind.  It has been super encouraging to go through the book of Acts both at church and in my own personal quiet times. There is such an incredible example there of commitment, perseverance, love, and fellowship.  We are so blessed as a body of believers to have the example of those men and women to follow.  I am excited about this year and what it will bring.  God, use me in 2013!

Last words

Said to me by my sweet grandmother, who is hopping a plane back to Michigan in the morning:

"Son of a bitch!"

These, among other phrases like "I love you". My grandma represents all that the Midwest means to me personally and now I am homesick for the country roads and lakes of Michigan once more. I hope I can take time off this year to go visit again. If you cut into my chest you might find a heart oddly shaped like the Great Lake State. This all sounds terribly dramatic but I cannot come close to capturing this place in a short blog post. It doesn't do justice to the miles of fields and "you betcha, amen"'s and the clean air. I am in love with a place most people don't care to visit.

So there's that. My grandma will be back in May and I wish all of Utah could meet her. She is such a smart and spunky (a word reserved solely for grandmothers) woman. I have quite the family.

Via onetrippass

I am missing adventure in my life.  I spend long days at the bakery that turn into nights of either:

1.  navigating Trader Joe's (note: I am not a yuppie)
or

2.  watching British television on Netflix

Neither of these things are that exciting.  I think my life in Salt Lake is lovely, but it is much lovelier in the summer when there are mountains to climb.  Plus, I am mostly grossed out when I can't see through the smog.  January is like a season in itself.  I am anxious for this season to pass and a new one to come.

Today, though, it was warm.  There was sunshine and people were acting happy instead of tired and bothered.  I thought I might go on a bike ride after work just to celebrate, but on the way home I saw blocks full flashing lights and yellow tape.  Every single street around my house was blocked off, except, ironically, my own street.  There were small groups of policemen everywhere, so I decided to give up on biking.  I didn't feel like rolling up on a crime scene, and I don't think they wanted me to either.  Welcome to City Life. 

I wish I had fun stories to tell you.  I could exaggerate, or make things up, but honestly I am too tired. My days have been a blur of sweet family, cardboard boxes, baked goods, and the interstate.  All of these things are good, some even wonderful, but they are exhausting.  Everyone else is going back to school, and I'm trying to figure out what in the world to do with my early afternoons off of work.  

It's 2013.  I haven't even had time to really sit and reflect on the past year.  I have childish resolutions, like giving up soda, but there is also a desire to learn and grow, specifically in my relationship with God.  I am pretty solid in some useless worldly things, like analyzing literature, but I could sure do better in deeply reading the Word of God.  I am excited to have time without school studying to focus on real, solid, biblical study.  Here's to a new year of that.  Also, to my first year sans any schooling since the 90's.  

Woah.

"But there's a call to love our brother that can never be destroyed."

My boss just called me and told me to pray for my army coworker that is getting shipped off to Syria. My heart hurts because she is leaving behind a six year-old boy with no father to care for him, but I will never fully understand the great burden of the call of the military. It gets under skin and bone and people give up all to literally give up all again. We sleep in our warm beds with electric blankets and complain about the cold while they sleep outside in all kinds of extreme weather. We complain while they witness horrible things and silently keep going. It's a crazy concept. America is blessed and it is selfish. We need Jesus so desperately.


Off that topic, though. It's cool to work for a local business because my boss can ask for prayer. My coworkers and I can have spiritual conversations sans corporate interference. Even my boss asks about my faith constantly. God is using this to stretch my faith and work ethic. I'm praying for patience and getting long hours and hectic days. It's refining, it's hard, and it's good. I feel so stoked about this opportunity to watch a small business grow up. I feel like a proud parent almost. God is good to me.