a love letter to the midwest

I can’t pretend that I know what it feels like to live in a city or state with a bad economy. I’m a privileged West Coast kid in the bustling Beehive state. I don’t know how much living somewhere else would change my political stance, but I’ve seen the effects of a dying economy in the parts of the Midwest I’ve visited. The small grocery store run out of business by that awful megalomaniac, WalMart. The canning plant laying off half its workforce because labor is cheaper elsewhere. And on top of that, the young people who can rebuild the town are leaving for bigger cities and seemingly bigger experiences.

Maybe if I was living it every day, I would understand the desperation, the desire for radical change better. But I don’t, and so it continues to baffle me.

Until then, I’m trying to remember and capture all the things that made me fall in love with this section of the country in the first place. Let’s take a cliché trip down memory lane.

I first intentionally visited the Midwest in 2010. It took 16 long hours driving through the windy hellscape that’s I-80 in Wyoming, and the flat brown of Nebraska, but everything changed when we hit Iowa. There were corn stalks, thick and stick straight like sentinels, for miles. Endless blue green and yellow, with flashes of red-painted wood – everything was straight out of some Norman Rockwell Americana.

When we stopped for a night in Des Moines, I was instantly charmed by how friendly everyone was. Even the climate was friendlier – fragrant and slightly sticky and so, so good for my desert skin. Everything was green and in bloom. When the sun went down, the fireflies came out, glowing brighter than I ever would’ve imagined.

And then, when I didn’t think things could get better, I ended up on the plains of Illinois. Whatever I’d felt in Iowa was amplified. We’d ended up on a 100-acre farm, with even more cornfields that we could actually run through. We had it all – ponds to jump in, tractors to ride, hay bales to sit on and miles of open country to explore. This was paradise.

On one of our first nights at the farm, there was a thunderstorm, unlike anything I’ve experienced. The sky turned yellow and everyone braced for tornado sirens that (thankfully) never came. Within twenty minutes, the grass was full of ankle-deep puddles. We ran outside, washed our hair in the rain, and then splashed through the puddles.

Another night, the Fourth of July, we sat on top of scratchy haybales, drinking lukewarm beer, and watched the fireworks put on by the neighbors across the street. They owned the town’s butcher shop, and apparently spent all extra profit on a pyrotechnics display that rivaled all other displays I’ve seen. It was booming, it was free, and it was private. When the smoke and fireworks faded, we stayed on those hay bales, pointing out constellations and watching the fireflies dance through the fields.

I fell in love with my husband on that first trip to the Midwest, and we’ve gone back nearly every summer since we got married. It’s not always glamorous. Here’s an incomprehensive list of real things I’ve witnessed on the farm:

-     A horse being castrated

-    A cat getting caught in a raccoon trap

-     A violent fist fight

-    A swarm (Colony? Herd? Drove?) of bats trying to get through the window I was sitting in

But there’s also too much good to name it all:

-      Harvesting the purest clover honey from beehives

-    Donkeys rolling in the dirt

-    Kisses from sandpapery calf tongues

-    Sunsets with no buildings in the way for miles

-     Fresh-pressed apple cider and homegrown popcorn kernels

It feels, in a sense, like going home – except I’ve never lived east of Salt Lake City. There’s no internet on the farm, and you can go days at a time without traveling more than five miles. Each trip feels like a reset button.

So, while I may not understand the thinking of the Midwest, I understand its appeal, and I understand why you’d want to fight for it.

And I can’t wait to go back.

We're what happens when two substances collide*

There’s a pile of pine and OSB in my backyard, carefully stacked next to a CAD representation of what it’ll be post- sand, stain and assembly.

There’s a storage room full of saws and power tools and then more saws that I don’t know the names of, but that are faithfully dragged out onto the back porch nearly every weekend, and then put neatly back away on their shelves.

There’s a section of the crawl space that’s been cleaned, organized, and dedicated to camping and backpacking gear, which is grouped by type of activity for quick access. 

I could write a dozen more things to help paint a better portrait of my husband, but at the end of the day they’ll all fall short – he’s also smart, thoughtful, and so, so funny, among other things. But the reason each of these things specifically strikes me is that they’re each a display of his creativity. That pile of wood was stacked with a vision. Those tools are used to make bowls and furniture and countless other treasures. The camping gear was organized with a carefully imagined trip in mind.

I love seeing the way his creativity manifests itself as an extension of his logical personality. His vision is always clear from the start. It’s so different than the creativity I’ve come to know.

Creating something has never been a neat or organized or even efficient process for me (Philip could tell you about all the half-finished projects I have lying around the house). There needs to be a moment of inspiration or an excuse to get my hands messy. And then, when the inspiration hits, there’s no process, no caution, no logic. Will this turn into something cool? Maybe. Will it become something that just takes up space on a shelf somewhere in the house? Also, maybe. Is it worth the risk? Ask me in a few hours. I wish I could say that I had some grand vision to create things that solve problems, but usually my vision shifts and morphs with the project until I’ve made (or written) something I never expected.

When we first got married, these differences were intimidating. I was afraid I wouldn’t live up to his expectations of an ideal wife. I was emotional and unorganized and wildly inconsistent, and he was so sure and steady in everything he did. It was almost paralyzing, and so I threw myself into becoming all of those things – creating meal plans, filling in our calendar, organizing the house. None of those things were bad, but they didn’t allow for the kind of creativity and spontaneity I knew and love. It was exhausting. I was trying to manufacture a personality built on his sense of creativity and logic. He had never once asked me to do this, and it failed miserably.

These days, we’re a little less concerned about the way our personalities lead us to do things. But yesterday, he left for band practice, while I stayed home and painted the living room. My paint job wasn’t meticulous by any means, so I slipped into old patterns and began to worry about how it wouldn’t meet his practical standards.

His response when he walked into the house later that night?

“Oh, it’s fine. It’ll even out later.”

We’re different in nearly every way. And it’s beautiful.


*title partially lifted from an Andrew Bird song, because I’m too tired to come up with something clever, and it fits.

**We did a writing challenge at work a few weeks ago and I'm moving all the pieces back to my secret blog that isn't for coworker eyes.**

A few weeks ago, a very public figure died. He’d been dead for no less than 24 hours before people took to their computers and started sharing hateful messages about his legacy. His family was still processing his death and mourning his life, but people couldn’t keep their opinions to themselves for even just a few days. 

It really bummed me out. And It made me reflect on a lesson that’s been drilled into my head my whole life: Believe the best.

Backstory: I’ve grown up for most of my life in a church of some shape or form, but largely a nondenominational Christian church. I went to Lutheran school for kindergarten – where I got called out for telling a conversation heart-related lie to a teacher. After a few years in public school and away from church (probably not related to my lying streak, but who’s to say), we moved to Utah and picked back up on our church habit.

My parents listened to sermons in a rec room in Sandy, Utah while we had Sunday school down the hall in a racquetball court. Afterward, we all helped tear everything back down and put it in a trailer until the next week – all of us kids became experts in carrying folding chairs (which has surprisingly come in handy many, many times). Eventually, we relocated to a dilapidated old call-center-turned-church-building, where we played youth group kickball games in the basement and had concrete-floor overnighters and awkward teenage band practices, fumbling over our guitars and drums and etc.

I learned a lot of things, growing up in a church. Not all of them were great, but most of them were pretty good. Besides the obvious lessons from the Bible, there was the aspect of living in community, and learning how to serve and show up when you just wanted to stay at home.

Oh, and I learned a lot about how to make killer youth group video content. And by killer I mean cringeworthy.

Growing up, this is just what we did, and so naturally I kept doing it when I moved away to college, and eventually got married and started my own little family. It got me through a lot of hard things, but it was about much more than just that.

And then the past few years happened. Rather than go into all the boring details, I’ll give the Clif’s notes version: I began having a lot of questions about Christianity, and a lot more frustrations than I’d ever felt before. The way Christianity was playing out on the world stage was not the way I’d been taught to love Jesus. It was hateful, and it was scary. I wasn’t believing the best about the church, but the church wasn’t doing what I was taught was right.

I started questioning my beliefs, and the church that had influenced so much of my life. I knew and continue to know where I stand with my God, but I didn’t know how I felt about the church. I wrestled and very much continue to wrestle with some issues, but it’s all brought me back to that simple truth: believing the best.

It’s one of the most important things – again, save for the Bible – that I learned from all my years in church. My parents, my pastors and even my husband have spoken this into my lifetime and time again. What it mostly boils down to is this: Quit making assumptions. Trust that people are doing what they believe is the next right thing. Rather than being quick to judge, try and understand what might inspire someone to make the decision they did. Ask questions. And if someone did make a decision that hurt you, forgive them and move on, or find a solution.

I know that there is some incredible evil in the world, and it would be foolish to gloss over them by trying to “see the bright side.” There doesn’t always have to be a bright side. But, in day to day life, and for me, at least, believing the best is a start, because it means taking a step toward empathy. I’m not good at believing the best – I’m cynical and easily frustrated – but I can’t overstate how important it is that I continue to try. Because, at the end of the day, the wide world – my church, my city, my family, and even my office – is full of broken and hurting people. Just like me. So why not give them all the benefit of the doubt?

After all, it’s what I truly believe Jesus would do. I just lost that neon reminder bracelet years ago.

a writer's rut

the words come and go but mostly they go, go, go, just out of my reach.

and so i stare at a computer screen for at least three of the nine hours in my day and wonder where they went and where they ever were and why i am doing this to myself.

but i keep coming back. it's time to take back the words and use them when i want to use them and not only to take care of this a mortgage.

"It was like someone made it out of Legos when they were blind."
  - Judy H., at some point this summer, talking about a dog. This has nothing to do with anything else that's on my mind, but it made me smile.


Six months ago everything changed for the better, and it just keeps getting better. God is using my new life in the heart of downtown (okay, that part isn't better) to help me confront my fears, like giving presentations in front of strangers, or small talk, or telling other people what they should do. My fear of elevators still hasn't gone away, though, so my thighs are getting pretty buff. That's an added bonus that wasn't part of the job description. In one week I'll be directing my first video shoot, which I think means that I'm finally a grown up. Sometimes, still six months in, I get off the phone with a client or out of a creative meeting and think, "this can't be my real life." Oh, but it is. There is healing in being in a place where people don't put down your work all of the time. I feel free and I feel confident. And that's all I have to say about that.

This time last year I was coming off of the high that was seeing P.W. live, and transitioning into a season of spending too many hours miserably working on a Black Friday ad campaign. Which, hello, there are only so many ways to say "THIS IS A BIG SALE."

This time, well, this year, I'm ready to (potentially) start creative writing again, because I don't hate writing anymore. I'm ready to enjoy the holidays surrounded by such a wonderful family. I'm ready to venture out into the snowy mountains and discover a world that's so separate from my 9 -5 (except on Fridays) city living.

God is given me so much more than I deserve.

a small moment I want to preserve in my memory:

I reached in the freezer and grabbed black garbage sack full of ice. I dropped it on the concrete several times, but it wouldn't break. I picked it up and felt around the bag. There was a neck. It was a whole, frozen turkey. Two minutes later, I heard my mother in law go and do the exact same thing.

Life is interesting, and funny, and joyful. It's a wonder what three months away from a toxic environment is doing for my head and my heart.

after my little temper tantrum i'm feeling much better about pretty much everything (well, except getting murdered in my sleep, but that's just standard out here in the wild, wild west).

my sweet, sweet christian coworker texted me over the weekend and told me she'd been searching for jobs for me. in her free time. having another christian at work -- one that isn't immersed in the culture of my church -- has been so refreshing. we can bounce problems off of each other, share verses on rough days, quote dumb old songs, and even complain together. God shows his kindness in the most unexpected ways. like bringing a missionary's kid all the way to snowy utah to come to meetings with me and remind me to get before God in the hard times.

i think the best thing is just to stay put for now and savor the good days:
the days when an email makes me laugh so hard i cry
the days my boss schedules a 'summit' so we can go to starbucks together
the days i get to write about beer pairings and football
the days when lunch break is snowshoeing up the mountain.
the days i'm allowed to wear whatever i want and drink free coffee for hours.

and of course, the miles i drive closer and closer and closer to the mountains.

the anti-love letter

today, after nearly three years of writing for a living, i am wondering why in the world i am writing for a living. i woke up at 2 am and the dread sunk in:

i have to go back to this place in the morning. and tomorrow. and the tomorrow after that.

a writing job has killed my desire to write.
a writing job has killed my creativity.
a writing job has killed any thoughts i had that i was, in fact, creative.

but then i wonder if it's just the place i'm in.

two years of chaos (which is oddly where i thrive)
two years of second-guessing (which thrives in me, but isn't healthy)
two years of frustration and no direction.
two months of micromanagement.
at least two full days worth of ulcers and tears and a racing heart.

i think mandatoryfun.com is like a bad relationship, but i can't really leave because i didn't get any other schooling.
some days it's tolerable and i forget that i want to leave. some days it's so unbearable i can't imagine staying another ten minutes (much less eight hours).

Jesus, show me what to do. and if it's becoming a forest ranger or spending minimum wage days making cookies and cakes, that's just fine by me.

rant over.

sorry for the forgetfulness, blogger.

"Your parents still have that [coffee table] downstairs. Your dad just wants to shoot it."
-Philip

"How are you just now connecting that? You have more Star Wars shirts than Josh Whitney!"
-Philip, concerned about Izzy's lack of Star Wars knowledge

"And there's your dead friend."
-Linda, being friendly to a squirrel she saw running across the road.

"Oh. Maybe if I put this up, it will do something ... probably not, though."
-Auntie Kay and her newfound rosary

"I'm wondering if our goat OR our neighbor just said 'HEY!'"
-Noah

between here and last year i:

-got married
-moved to West Valley
-traded 255 word projects for 20 character taglines
-bought a subaru.


there, that's all the updating i needed to do.

"oh, our massage had to be scheduled. your dad's twin was sick."
-my mom's very real first world problem.

"September 22nd is her next haircut. I scheduled it because I am a responsible adult."

-Stesha, on being a good dog mom.

throwback thursday

some quotes I found, saved up in my phone over the past few months.

'My armpit is sweating like it is what it does for a living.'
-Steele

'I watched a movie called Trainspotting last night. It sort of made me want to move to Scotland and do heroine.'
-Tony M.

'I was driving through Evenson, Evenston, Evanston; whatever, your last name screws that place up.'
-Also Tony M., but more flustered

'I accidentally came up with a really good racist joke the other day.'
-Isabel

'I don't think he's practicing, he said the 'f' word.'
'I practice the F-word sometimes.'
-Philip, and Nick's Southern friend AJ

'Those guys that carry the casket at your wedding!'
-Bryan, during a game of catchphrase

'Weren't you just Timothy?'
-Isabel, again

'She's like gravity!'
-Kent, on someone's card-playing skills


'I really like this lasagna, because if you have an allergy, it WILL find it'
-Todd B., during Heather and Chaz's rehearsal dinner

all in a day's work.

I feel like I haven't written something that isn't a sales pitch in so long.

It has been a long time since I've even dared to look at this blog, and so much life has happened in those five months. I dropped two jobs and picked up one that takes up more of my time than the other two ever did. I moved in a cute new house, with a big bedroom from a Wes Anderson movie that I can't really believe is mine. I got engaged, fully funded for Europe, ENGAGED. I resigned my heart to the fact that I will be doing life in West Valley this fall. So much is going on and it's all such a blessing, but my mind is too full with work to think.

Wait, when did I become the person that had a job real enough to stress about? I love my job, I really do. But what happened over the last two weeks was this:

They moved me away from the windows.
and
They started giving me grown-up projects.

Everyday, something rolls in for me to do that takes me away from the other work they want me to do as well.

There is nothing wrong with this, but I am not used to balancing these types of busy responsibilities. I do get to make my own hours, and I get to start up a free relationship with UTA again. I get free coffee all of the time and I get to spend days listening to Ira Glass while I write about baby clothes, dishes, microwaves and luggage. I guess I am just tired this week.


When I see any home decor, I now analyze it. I don't mean to do this, but I go over the style in my head, and think of the SEO words that describe it, the way it's built, its design type and color scheme. I am turning into a robot, but at least I know what type of chandelier is gracing that guy's home.

Long days are good days. This is the hurricane season of my life, but I've managed worse.

some of the more important updates i can think of.

the library and i are on speaking terms again. salt lake library, that is (sandy still refuses to acknowledge me). i don't owe them money, and they keep having everything that i want. it is a happy relationship.

"Jon, I think this music is a little too French for this early in the morning."
-A barista at a Starbucks. I like to imagine Jon is the kind of guy that doesn't use an 'h' in his name, but I guess that it wouldn't be his fault if one got in there.

I am in this weird limbo I have never been in before, which is that of having two jobs, and having a third pending. I feel like I am cheating on my real life boss, while I wait for the third deal to become official. My mouth keeps wanting to betray me with things like "I AM OUT OF HERE" or "wait I might actually miss baking" or "CALM DOWN", but I keep forcing it shut and working hard anyways. Hopefully the status changes from pending to funded soon, because this in between is making a fool of me.

My body is tired from that time yesterday that I went backpacking, and the rest of the times I have been working too many hours on my feet, but I am persevering. Things are happy in the sleepiness. In two weekends I will be back in the Midwest. My best friend has moved up to Salt Lake City, which gives me freedom to do silly things, like eat waffles in the night or smoke Primetimes on a porch. I am enjoying sound, and drinking coffee again, and spending more time in the mountains. The bruises on my legs tell me that I had a good weekend, despite the aches. Football is also back, which means that my Sundays are more relaxing than they have been in months, oddly.

On a sidenote. I timidly gave one of the regulars at the bakery a copy of one of my stories, in exchange for a lovely book he thought that I should read. He told me it brought him to tears and to keep writing, and that was an encouraging push that I probably needed. It feels good to create more than SEO content again.

God is gracious. God is kind. God gives me the hard and the easy mixed together and that is a lovely thing.

"I thought for a moment of the world outside my house, and then I didn't have anymore thoughts except the thought that I had to hurry up and sleep."-Raymond Carver

I feel this is a pretty accurate description of my nights for the past week. So. Much. Tired.

It's a busy season.
Days only working one job: 13/30 (good odds for once)
Days since I washed my hair: 4
Days since I've been in the mountains: too many
Days since I could properly put together a sentence: 0.

today i stepped into the kinross airport to see my cousins off before their long day of travel, and i started to tear up because i know that i am leaving this place next week too.

it hurts my heart to think about my life not taking place in the midwest. everything here smells good and it is home, more than any other place than i can think of, even my lovely salt lake. 
i don't want to leave, despite my arteries getting clogged. 
despite the mosquitoes, besides wal-mart being nearly the only store in town.
never mind the siberian winter, i could make it.

this past week has been too nice for words. 
salt lake feels like a burden that is hanging over my head. a deadline, maybe.

there are a lot of good things to come back to, friends to love, a church to serve, mountains to climb.
i love all of these things, and God has planted my flag in salt lake for a reason, but it is so hard to come back every year. this year i don't even have school looming over my head, so it just feels strange, to come back and continue my dead-end job. but i will keep moving. keep pursuing, and saying sad prayers, and trusting that God is using my small, day-to-day to benefit his Kingdom. and there is rest in that.

this time next week i will be sobbing silently in an airport in the middle of nowhere, but God has given me a lovely temporary home.  i am so blessed by my time in my small corner of what i imagine Heaven will look like.

summer has been a great blur of work and heat and "oh wait, it's already almost july" moments. i traded fun writing for SEO content writing, but that is tiring, so i am going to take some time off of getting paid to ramble, and ramble on my own terms.


there was that time i fell back in love with the mountains. i suppose i never lost any of the love i had for them, i just kind of forgot about it. between october and may it is virtually impossible for my little mazda to make it up the canyons, so the mountain love affair is put away. by the time may comes around, my heart is a little mushier, due to long months of comfort food and no exercise, so i have to work it back into hiking shape. i am there though. i have many new miles of dirt on my danner's to prove it. i want to go backpacking for a few nights, but getting time off of work for non-michigan related adventures simply isn't going to happen for me. michigan tempted me into taking a chunk out of my savings account again this summer. here's to another four-hour stint in the detroit airport.

another cool thing: i am planning on going to europe for a mission trip in 2014. this is scary to me for so many reasons. my heart has been to go to a place like honduras, because i feel very comfortable being quiet and getting dirty. it is very easy for me to go somewhere and serve with physical labor. sharing the gospel with a group of hard-hearted europeans, on the other hand, is not what i had in mind for myself. doors have always closed for me and latin america, but so many things are working for me to go to europe. i am terrified and still not sure if God will lead me all of the way there, but he knows what he is doing. i can only sit and marvel as things happen.

a few more things. mewithoutyou put on yet another great live show in salt lake city. my bakery is a whirlwind of drama and owner breakdowns and so many cupcakes. wedding season has not been too bad to me this year. i took a brief trip to california. brief is long enough for california, but it was good to spend time with my family. i met a sweet man who is in recovery at the rescue mission tonight and i just can't get him off of my mind. his heart to serve those who were serving him blew my mind. things are happy in salt lake city.

My car was perfectly clean until that moment when I left the windows cracked and all of the little leaves from the tree decided to slide their way in. I don't even know how they did it, but the floor and the seats are covered with tiny little leaf dots.

But besides my pointless car story. I am wondering if it is possible to have the country ingrained in your heart when you are from the city. I don't know if it's something I've carried for my whole life unknowingly, or if it's due to my recently renewed relationship with Michigan, but my heart is yearning for a life away from the city. I had a moment getting off of the interstate in Provo the other night, where I was surrounded by prairie grass, and Neko Case was sad-singing, where my heart felt like it was going to burst. I love Utah, so much. I love my church family and the work God is doing here. I love the mountains and the cute little blue houses and the fact that you just can't get lost. But, sometimes I have this incredibly frustrating emotion that makes me want to drop everything and run back to a place that I didn't even come from. How this get inside of me? I wish I could understand it.

I suppose I can find those places in Utah. Days spent wandering various canyon meadows, or nights watching the stars from the fields. But I can't and won't forget my times in the middle. Thanks for the reminder, Neko.


"weave between the seasons, under bridges and the valley, 'til the winds out on the prairie whip the tears from my eyes."

"The good thing about cheese is that it covers a multitude of sins."
-cooking wisdom from my Midwestern grandmother


I'm *officially* graduating on Friday, which means nothing to me except that my parents convinced some family to come into town. So that part's cool. When your family is spread out over all of the West (Midwest included), it gets hard to see each other. My parents and I have various church things, and my cousins have tennis lessons and college visits. We live in different worlds, but I can show them my 'good for right now' Salt Lake City, which I adore.

Good for right now. Maybe not good for later. God and time will tell. Right now I am enjoying the springtime and finally exploring my neighborhood without all of the snowy parts. There is a lot more to explore here than there was in the suburbs. The thing is, though, is that I am outnumbered by the hippies. They are everywhere, with their veganism, and their drum circles, and dreadlocks. There is no sense of Midwestern common sense. So many of these people look like characters that Fred Armisen has dreamed up. I guess they go home to their real families, and probably have to eat blandly healthy foods (without cheese, imagine that), so I suppose I shouldn't complain about them. They have their own problems to deal with, too...problems like which organic soy organic dairy-free milk is the best.

I am more cynical than I realize from day to day, but I am grateful that God can work on the worst of our hearts.