i guess i really like pad thai.

things that made this week better:
-the book of matthew
-getting something accomplished at band practice
-going back to coffee
-being friends with devin and chianne
-thinking about things
-new sweatshirts
-acid tongue
-friday night conversations
-going to university mall
-jerry lewis
-stomach butterflies.

other than that, i'm tired, so tired.

i still like jerry lewis just as much as i did at the end of last year.

"i'm just a nowhere, and that's the worst kind of something that you can be."

i really need to go move around about now, but instead i'm sitting on the couch with brewster next to me and america trying to get me to buy a car. is this going to happen when i'm 30 too? will 15 year-old girls still try to be 25? will the economy still be terrible?

everyone's dog in provo has a sweater. it reminds me of being little and having schnapps. that dog looked old from the moment he was born. i could never figure out what his name meant until i was about eight, and then i would giggle everytime i said it. i guess i miss having that dog around a little bit. he never did much, and he would let austin and i put clothes on him. marley just bites and cries and does all the things a human baby couldn't ever get away with. it would be okay, except she isn't even cute. isn't that the reward for having a puppy? nevermind that you ate my moccasins and peed on my bed, i like squeezing your face.

today a lady came in and talked to me at work for a good twenty minutes. those people are always so funny. she kept talking about how, yes, she HAD been at Haight-Ashbury. it came up about 5 times in our conversation, along with 'yeah, i just got stitches out of my eyes' (and then a pause where she took her sunglasses off to show me her yellow and blue skin). i felt like i knew this lady after she left. it was depressing in a way; i was probably the person she talked to most that day. all she wanted was a peace sign necklace, but she left with three things and a new friend. i maybe should make it a point to really talk to a sales clerk once. maybe i should show them pictures of MY family. it's funny to know that i won't be at mervyn's two weeks from now, since i've been trying to quit for so long. i guess i'll have to find a new lady that looks like don knotts, and a new hari khrisna girl to try and make sense of.

"well, i know she says a-s-s a lot, but i don't think she's ever learned anything worse than that."
"i've heard worse, jeena."
"really, like what?"
"like 'i'm gonna play the effing drums, and no one is ever going to stop me, not even my mom."
"OHH?"
-jeena and i talking about her daughter syvanah

i keep seeing a lady that looks like don knotts, EVERY time i am at work.

i hope i'm not imagining her.
that lady is keeping me sane.

the fact that i was steaming didn't really bother me. the air was cold, and the snow was falling as we sat in 100 degrees. my head was in a completely different world than my heart was, figuratively and literally. i miss you, sandy. i miss you, late nights and deep conversations and feeling a little more alive, naturally.

i think i remembered why we are best friends:

"you know what? i just wish he were ugly. that would make life so much easier."

"he should just be your maid of honor, then."
"or i can just make my husband be best friends with him so he could be the best man."
"yeah, you could just marry my brother."



and i think i remembered why we were best friends, but those are reasons that i'll keep to myself.

i have some buckets to hold onto now:
-that God saved me from the fall, not the curse. i can't expect tihs life to be fine.
-that I need to be thirsty
-that I am blessed
-that hot tubbing is so good for your SOUL.

we posed so well, but the heart wasn't in it. it never was. maybe if you really looked into my eyes, you would see massive exhaustion. would you teach me what to do with that? 

i guess today i am a dreamer, because today i am tired. i've been trying to spit the words out for 3 days now, but nothing works. this is a fantasy, because in reality dogs don't chew their toenails and there is NOT some creepy sound coming from the next room. in the real world, cold air is coming through the window and the beatles are incredibly modern. my eyes are bloodshot, and the world is still spinning, spinning, spinning. right now is a make believe world where the economy is made up of monopoly money, and everyone eats black bean burritos for breakfast. my words really do make sense and the headache is obviously gone. come there with me for just a day? 

stress does that to a body. let's go while we still have time. let's ride bikes through the forest. let's ignore the ciggarette smell coming through the open window. spontaneity. try with me. 

the sunset is beautiful, too. God gives me the funniest little things when I am about to pull all of my hair out. maybe i just wasn't meant to be bald.

today the complaining started at 9:15 and didn't end until after church. i guess that was what put me in a bad mood. every word was a reason, every breath saying that we are better. that's what it felt like, at least. this world isn't as beautiful through the eyes of a pessimist, or at least the words of one.
i think a lot of this life is about choices. you can choose to hold you tongue or you can choose to speak your mind; you can choose to grow up, or you can choose to stay young; you can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to feel awful. people always complain that they can't help it, but i think that we all can. sometimes it's not easy, sometimes it's the hardest thing we can do. being happy is the hardest thing to do at times. but, you know what? it's fulfilling. tonight at life groups i was struck hard by the beauty of community. there is nothing more exciting than being in a room with people that are as eager as you are. i get more and more thirsty as the night goes on. God created us to be in league with people, to laugh and cry and share our lives with them. I think that it is absolutely beautiful. we were talking tonight about each individual passion and talent we have. if all of us were to use that talent on a daily basis for God, think of how different this world would be. i want to be that person. i want our church to be a body. i am so tired of being lukewarm. i want to the rock to be a huge, all consuming fire. the people around us want it, they need it. i have friends that are so broken, and all they need is purpose. they need healthy relationships, with Jesus first and then others that can help them. i don't want to let them down, i don't want to let my God down. sometimes it makes me SICK how selfish i am. i invest my time in the stupidest things. i want the crown that will last. Like Ramses was saying tonight, it's like a candle. I want to be burnt down to the very end by the end of my life, because none of the wax is coming with me. i want to be used as much as possible. sometimes i hate to say that because i know God will actually do it. if i ask him to change my life, he will do it. i want to trust that he can change a wretch like me. i do trust it. so here it is, being bold, being passionate and not apathetic, being different than the rest. here is prayer, and desperation, and grace in every extent of the word. here is life to the full. let's take it to the world, guys.

i love you all.

i put some clothes on inside out today, and i didn't even notice until it was too late to do anything about it.

this is when i don't have any clever words to say yet. today is only monday. yesterday i walked through creeper reams and tried to be brave. you would have laughed at me, right? today a guy came up to me dressed up, with a painted face, and asked me if i liked haunted houses. i guess that the whole time i was just hoping that wasn't code for 'hey, dudes, let's rob her.' four guys in halloween costumes and actually, they were just trying to sell something to me. it seemed more dangerous than that..dangerous like all the times i stayed up until 6 am. i felt brave afterwards, and i don't really know why.

so that's it.
let's go on a bike ride.
let's watch the leaves change colors.
let's breathe in the fall air.
let's play music, and laugh, and remember.


on a final thought, just let me marry a man that can play guitar and harmonica...at the SAME time.

our friendship is based on guitar and music and a few same shared ideas, and our friendship happens bi-weekly.

sometimes i just hurt and don't know why. sometimes might be tomorrow, but it isn't today. today is just an extreme case of please don't be getting sick.

the rain is just pouring down though, and i wish it would never end.

new friends make you hurt sometimes. jack never saved a life, man.

sugar spell it out.

i hope i didn't upset your wife, blonde guy. i don't know what jewelry wives like. maybe when i get married, i'll phone you up and explain to you our mistake. but, more likely than not, i will forget about you after i fall asleep tonight. sorry.

i want to dream for a few hours, or maybe a few days, or years. i want it to be like a few summers ago. remember when i asked why you never slept anymore? probably not. that's okay though.

so, if you were to go through my backpack, you would find:
shakespeare
2 notebooks
a Bible
some pens
a highlighter
a journal
2 decks of alcohol playing cards
1 blow-pop
a wallet
a college writer's reference
irresistible revolution
a jane austen book
some sunflower seeds, strewn about
philip's sunglasses
a box of miniature colored pencils
some sharpies
excedrin
hand sanitizer
and a
whole lot
of safety pins.

if that was all you had to go by, then i guess i would be a pretty interesting person. what would you think of me then?






i miss you, sometimes.

today was the kind of day you could put on repeat in your cd player.

school went by in record time, and my professors made life easy. i baked some caramel apples, and nothing reminded me of you. today was sharpie art and new recipes, too. it was highlighting the Bible in the school library. a proverb a day does real, lasting good for a soul.
yup, today ended with a davy jones haircut and a cracked guitar. i sat on the floor and jammed with devin. we turned a song into something new, and i remembered what PASSION is: lighting up, forgetting the rest, and not being able to talk fast enough to express it all. today ended with goofy smiles at the drive up window. goodbye zach, goodbye matt, hello home and mewithoutYou and borrowed guitar.

i think the trend right now is to be in love. i missed the memo, but i am fine with that. being sad about lost relationships is just as trendy, though. i guess i'm not on that boat either. not right now, not anymore. God is good. i trust that he has a plan, even though i have no clue.