Collin: "but having a mustache isn't bad."
Josh Hunter: "but he has a teenager mustache!"

reckless abandon. those are beautiful words.
i want them to represent my faith.
Jesus was reckless for us. He knew what he was doing, but he did CRAZY things.
He turned water into wine, even though the religious people wouldn't be thrilled.
He spit on mud and helped a guy see.
He told stories to people.
He thrhew over tables inside of a temple.

I love that brave Jesus, and I don't want him to be put in a box.
I love the Jesus that would come up to me and start a conversation like anyone else.
sometimes, though, i don't start that conversation myself.

I want to be COMPELLED by Christ's love, to live my life differently.
that is my prayer.

be my passion, my flame, my love.

i am losing everything lately.
it will only be a matter of time before i lose my hair, and my eyesight, and my mind.

i've been waking up with headaches again, too, the kind that make you want to go back to bed and not come out. it just aches and aches and ican'tthinkstraight. and when it dulls, i am left with all of the thoughts i couldn't have before. i think i've been left alone with my head too much lately, and songs with sweet lyrics, and sunflower seeds. i miss having music flowing through me like a bad addiction. my head works in no correlation with my heart anymore, and i've been having really weird dreams. last night it was my best friend, and the girl of his dreams was getting proposed to and saying yes. his heart was broken, and it was all in real time. i had to let him cry on my shoulder, and tell him it would be alright, but i don't think i fixed anything inside of him. it was a sad dream, but i was happy because i hadn't ever thought she was right for him.

so i guess that's it. i need to clean my room, and take some ibuprofen, and try to figure out where anything is anymore.

at least the leaves are changing colors.

good morning hospital, did you notice me sleeping in the back of the honda?

:the guitar player taught the drummer some scales, and the band ended up doing okay. just, you know, in case you were wondering. the killer headaches came back at THREETWOONE blastoff speed. i think would amputate my head if i didn't need it so dang bad.

:i don't fall in love with people these days, as often. it's really nice. i don't remember to do my laundry these days either. i hope those two things aren't related, cause if they are i might have a problem.

:if i put off sleeping much longer i might just become an accidental insomniac. at least then i could pretend like i was in fights all the time, since i'd have circles under my eyes. people might give me a little more grace, at the grocery store or when i am tired at work.

:college is stressing. no, i don't care that shakespeare talked about sex all the time, or that china doesn't have a good word for coke. just let me sleep a little bit longer.

i think i'll just let neko case sing me to sleep now. good night.

how about i just postpone fall for a few weeks, until i buy more sweatshirts. maybe i can just get permanent iv contrast stuck in my arm, then i would never be cold. i could take it out during the summer, but bring it up camping just in case.


but anyways, i guess i just wanted to say that i love dave matthews. "Oh oh, eyyyaaayy, umm ahh eyyyayyy"

my mouth tastes like a cigarette, what is going on?

the traffic school cop wasn't a creeper but a really funny guy.


"but now i find myself forgetting. and, the funny thing is, i don't care a bit. i look back at some of the stuff, and, honestly, i laugh half of the time. freeing. "i'm gonna break my rusty cage and run." that is exactly what it feels like. i'm done. i've been given too much grace and too much love to stay trapped inside of my mind and all of the crap i throw at myself. i've sort of pieced things together lately. i got my heart broken one time. i was killed by hypocrisy. but you know what? that was the turning point. if it weren't for that, i'd still be stuck inside looking for the light UNDERNEATH the bed. now i'm outside and the light is overwhelming. no looking back. light overtakes all dark. dark cannot overtake light."

i wrote that a long time ago, but i like it.

on my mind

-i want to marry a guy that is like my best friend. just like him, really, except not him at all. i want to marry a guy that:
-is honest, even when it's awkward.
-is the first to make sure you're okay.
-tells you it's okay when you fail your first college test ever..that you're ahead of yourself anyways, and that you need to stop worrying.
-skips class with you to go get italian, even if you are the only two people in the restaurant.
-listens to all of your crazy thoughts, and even laughs at your stupid jokes.
-buys you lunch and tells you not to worry about the money you should owe him
-tells you to just NOT WORRY, and that it's okay.
-tells you (in mcdonalds, of all places) that you are a good person, that you are smart, that you are beautiful, that you are NOT stupid.
-tells you the above through making his sister repeat after him.
-still opens doors for you, everytime.
-calls you up at random times to hang out.
-drives you around with the music sosoloud.
-makes you smile and feel like you really are an amazing person.
oh gawl. i am glad i have someone like that in my life every once and awhile.

-17 year old boys. do you really still ignore girls if you like them? i don't think that is something i can ChaCha, but it's something i can laugh about.

-ChaCha. i love it. addicting.
moriah: "Why does a quarter have two sides?
"ChaCha: "Well, to exist really, if you think about it."

-spontaneous parties. last night, because collin's parents are in park city. 5 people turned into 6 more real quick. we don't drink, we just play with drunk goggles. funny. driving home at 2 am and really hoping not to get pulled over is always an adventure.

-band practice. i play guitar, with kids that are one and two and four years younger than me. it's like babysitting, but instead i play the chords and pretend to know how to be electric. i'm distorted for the first time, and i'm pretty sure that i have never had my guitar up this loud in my life.

-i just don't think i'll ever get over you. but maybe because you aren't exactly like my best friend, even though i wish you were. maybe because i don't understand myself, or maybe because i am crazylikeophelia. or maybe because you don't like me. or, maybe just because everytime i see you i get really nervous and can't breathe normal for a few minutes. but really, i can't stand you half of the time. i don't know where that is going.

and in the moment when the metal is crunching, and everything is loud, you wonder
why am i so calm?

I have a huge God, a God that gives me comfort and peace and sanity in the craziest times. I have a God that protects me and takes care of me. I have a God that LOVES me.

I have no car. I have no money. None of that really matters, though. I am breathing, I am hoping, I am just another broken person trying to change the world...butineedyoutohelpme.

sometimes the bravest thing to do is not to turn to the person you think you need most.
sometimes the bravest and hardest thing is to not say one word.

I am content. I am sore, but I am content.

today feels like a text message at one am.

but, instead it just won't rain.

bad timing

i think she fell in love with the wrong boy.

he liked her most at the worst times and she didn't like the way his hair fell on his face. they wore matching shoes and pretended that they didn't talk about each other when the other wasn't there. he was too unpredictable, she was too indecisive. she always knew where he was in a room and he always knew what she was wearing. sometimes thinking about him made her sick, and sometimes he couldn't stand the sight of her. other people saw something in them, but they both denied it with a shaky laugh. they argued a lot, but i think she liked to disagree with him occasionally. the music was always loud for them, and they tried to sing what they could remember.
(sheonlysawthat)
they sat next to each other in dark rooms and never touched. it was never a dangerous game for them. he wanted to see her hair at its natural, she wanted it all to go back to that first car ride in the snow. it was innocent and it was bliss. sometimes they didn't talk for weeks at a time, other times they would go on for hours. he knew some of her crazier dreams, she knew about what stressed him out most. on the weekends they would sit on the carpet and talk about what life would be like when they had grey hair. it never scared them, but it was always something they could laugh about. he would be the old man that yelled at the hooligans across the road while she was feeding the dogs and washing the dishes.

they were content, though. even when it was broken, even when the timing was off, even when he thought he was the wrong one and she agreed with him.. such was her summer and his waking dream.

the (american) dream

ireallywantaprimetime that i can enjoy for ten whole minutes, cause on tuesday and thursday it's back to sex, drugs and rock&roll that is english 1010.
ireallywant to see the ocean and smell it and look you in the face and explain that it's worth it. and iwantto not be angry or put the blame on you and i don't even want to talk.
iwantthemusic to flow down and feel like green tea on my throat and fire in my ears.
iwantthe
kickdrum to rage and the snare to crack and your guitar to come in and out like an old friend. iwanttodrive on the freeway and listen to that cd you gave me once,
and i wantto s h o w you my callouses and explain to you how i get headaches sometimes, and i wantyoutoBELIEVE me just this once.

and i want you to look me in the eyes and be sincere. iwanttowrite until my hands are bleeding and choke it down with a cup of black coffee.

but i never wear my retainer & you only settle for perfect teeth, right?

i just really wanted to watch someone get pulled over today. their day would be ruined, but i would feel better.

it's just been that kind of day, or week. i feel like yelling at everyone i know, and then i read the Bible and change my mind. i want to give up on people, and then i go and look at art instead. and, always, neko case is stuck in my brain.

maybe i should just become REALLY good friends with someone that acts just like jack black, and then i'll always have the comic relief. my head might be on fire, but he can just talk in a mexican accent and i'll laugh.