a few nights ago tony told me a story about this couple he use to see around fort collins. they were an older couple and they would always sing karaoke. they would only sing duets. every duet was a johnny cash song, or something close to that. anyways that story will not come out of my head and i think it is so sweet.

that's all for today.

it was truly a joy for me to do sound tonight. sometimes it just feels good to do a little hard work. God has given us exciting ways to serve Him!

i feel like my rare saturday off is such a privilege, so i always pack it so full. i went down to the provo church, then hung out with collin and tony for awhile on friday night. it's always fun spending time with those guys because we can just sit there for hours and do nothing together. it's relaxing. this morning i woke up nice and early to go see devin and chianne off as they get ready to go to north carolina (and for devin's birthday!). i spent some nice time with my mom too, running errands and making a budget. she is such a smart woman. i hope one day to know half of the things she does about finances and life and being so patient. haha. so basically the night ended with church, and sound, and also pizza and listening to pinback songs on repeat. i feel so incredibly exhausted and also encouraged by the people i get to spend my weekends and nights and every days with. utah is home, even if my heart is always pulling towards other states. it feels good to say that.

So don't play with me 'cause you'll play with fire.

Today a man was getting into his super secret, lock-and-key, ultra private safe deposit box. And he called me over, like, "hey, come here for a second". So naturally, thinking he probably had a gun in there (because that's happened) I walked over.

"hey", he says, "have you ever seen real silver before?"

To which he holds up some giant Australian coins and puts them in my hands. It is funny when people stop being private for small moments and allow you into their lives. Into their 3' by 5' shoebox life protected by metal and locks.

It's, on the other hand, hard to think that those things are hope for people. They think hope fits in a box in a bank and it just doesn't.

These are my long days. Work and school are taking over any brain power I have for other activities.

sixteen days.

sixteen days has felt like a very long time and also a very short time. in sixteen days you can end up with:

four holes in your mouth (which also means drysocket, and ouch)
a whole new semester of seventeen credits.
happy days and sad days
dreams about the days beforesixteendays.
a new understanding of God.

which, obviously, that last part is the only important thing. God is enough and will be enough for hundreds of thousands of days. there is more joy to be found in waiting on the Lord than anything else in my life. i came in bitter, and i am being refined and taught that i have all the time in the world. God's plan for my life is absolutely perfect and i am blessed in the next fifteen days and all of my days.

the weird thing about having surgery (even if it is minor and doesn't hurt that bad) is that every treats you like a princess. like, my parents went to the grocery store and bought me french bread just so i could eat the soft middle part and throw away the crust. i always wanted to do that when i was a kid, but they would just look at me, like are you crazy? this is a luxury i am glad to have experienced at least once.

what is not as cool though is falling asleep like every five minutes. i do not know how people get addicted to pain medicine because it is turning me into a very dizzy, nauseated zombie. i keep sleeping through movies i have been looking forward to watching. i somehow managed to not fall asleep through the original footloose though, and i do not know why, because i would have rather watched any of the other movies here. oh well.

i am going a little bit stir-crazy, but i still do not want to go back to classes. spanish is too tiring anymore. i feel like i am taking a science class because nothing makes sense. as for my four other classes, they are just computers, so i can manage okay.

if i find one more bb on the floor, i am reporting spencer to the government as a terrorist.

things are going funny right now. four of my five professors are computers. i never even see them, but i judge them based on how good their powerpoints are or why they are using comic sans to write a textbook. i am also spending a lot more hours at work, with jakob and russell, who says 'literally' all of the time like chris. our members are all so happy and friendly lately. it is not hard to go to work except that i am tired of dress clothes. all of my pants are too loose so it looks like i am wearing yoga pants.

friday my wisdom teeth are coming out. i hope this doesn't affect my ability to watch the weekend football games without falling asleep.

everytime I get home from a trip I bring a sickness with me. This year it's the cough of a thirty-years-of-smoking veteran. So that is sort of a bummer. The cool thing though is that today at work a lady looked at my MALE coworker the whole time I was talking, because she thought I was a dude. So that is actually not that cool, but really funny.

Four whole days. That is a long time.

"Look at those people. They are such gorillas."
"Noah, do you mean granolas?"
"Oh yeah, those."
--A normal day with Noah Hahn, age 14.

I have been so lazy with writing, mainly because I feel like my heart has been so numb for the past few months. Honestly I feel like I have been numb since the summertime or long before.

And then Faithwalkers.

Every year I go to Faithwalkers during such a time of spiritual dryness. It gets discouraging because in my head I worry that I will get nothing out of it because of my callousness. Always, though, I come away amazed by God's constant patience and willingness to work with me. God loves me when I am discouraged or in a rough place and he shows himself to me in even bigger ways. This year I was blown away by the love of God. I feel like I need the whole entire year to unpack all of the incredible teachings and breakout sessions that I went to. I am so encouraged to see God working on my heart and literally peeling away the layers of callous and distrust that have built up. Steve Nelson's teaching broke my heart for relationship with God. Nothing else I try to pursue is even remotely worth what I receive from relationship in Christ. It breaks my heart to think of all the things I have put before him and how it makes him feel. Steve shared the story of Ezekiel 16, which is pretty brutal and horrible, but such a picture of our relationship with God when we seek other things. So that leads me to a new year and a lot of changes. The Bible is a source of joy, not something I have to read. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of 'reading because I have to'--and there is no fulfillment in that. God's word will never return void, but I do not want to pursue God religiously or emptily, I want to know His heart.

So that leads into this new year. I don't expect it to be easy, I honestly don't want it to be. Mitch (I think) spoke about crushing everything that gets in the way of God and that is what I want to do--even if it means evaluating relationships (which ends in crying over the phone, like always). Even if it means less selfish time to myself. This is going to be a big year, a year of, by the grace of God:

-Moving out

-Traveling
-Finishing school

-Waiting on God's perfect plan and timing
-GRACE. Faith in action. Hope for the future.

I am excited. I am terrified.

SOLI DEO GLORIA.