So what I did because everyone was gone was start going to the gym again, and I remembered that I hadn't exercised since I was in, like, high school. So that was really, really hard. But it tied in really well to some thoughts I had during my quiet time. I've been reading in Corinthians, and at the end of chapter nine Paul shows his heart by switching to athletic metaphors.

1 Corinthians 9:25-26:
Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself be disqualified.

This has really been on my mind the remainder of the week. Lately there are have been a lot of things that are heavy on my heart that don't necessarily need to be. I wonder why it is so hard to let go, and sometimes (usually) when you read the Bible, even if you've read the verse over and over, it hits differently the tenth or hundredth time. God will always help us through difficult situations, but it takes a lot of self-control on our part. God isn't going to make us figure things out on our own but he gave us a free will: God won't make us drop something until we choose to. Sometimes that means he breaks us completely so that we are humbled and realize what we need to do. I've been convicted about amounts of wasted time and things I have been putting my hope in. And why do I keep making these choices? Lack of self-control. I love that Paul explains this in athletic terms. Athletes spend countless hours training their bodies for their individual sport. They discipline themselves to eat a certain way, even if it means giving up something they love. They push themselves to do what isn't always comfortable, like waking up early to run or biking up that extra hill for endurance.

The crazy thing about these athletes is that they do it for a simple prize. Maybe it's a trophy, or their face on a Wheaties box, but none of these things last. Even the nicest trophy can break or be stolen, and Wheaties will be eaten and then the box recycled or thrown away. Nothing they get will even matter in 100 years, but they are still totally willing to discipline themselves and live for the next meet or race. Why isn't it the same way for Christians? We have gained an imperishable prize in Christ: ETERNAL LIFE! Yet the average Christian, and myself included, shows incredible lack of self control. We don't train ourselves like we should, waking up early like the athlete, but instead to read our Bibles or spend some time in prayer before our God. He gave it all up for us and yet we still cling to things outside of Him that we think will make us happy. An athlete can do it for a fading prize but we can't do it for our Eternal, Holy, loving, perfect God who we will be with in Heaven forever? This is incredibly humbling to me.

So how I got to that from the gym. It hurt so bad to start working out. But I know that the more I do it and the better of a routine I get in, the easier and more enjoyable it will be. Exercise also clearly benefits my health. And it is the same with my God. It is sometimes so difficult to yield to Him in every area, to be honest and real, to spend time with other believers in fellowship, but the more we do it, the more we grow, and our spiritual life is forever changed. I am so convicted by these verses. Along with them:

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

The weights we hold do us no good, just as tying a ten pound brick to your leg would severely impact your ability to race. Maybe it's a sin from the past, or a relationship, or even just something we keep too close to the level of God in our minds. Regardless, weights tie us down and, even when they aren't bad, such as a commitment to work, if not handled correctly they get tangled in sin. We must constantly die to ourselves and consciously throw off those weights and sins. Even if at times we aren't even sure of what they are, there is an importance in giving all things up to God. There is nothing that will be more worth it than crossing the finish line to the "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I can't wait for that day.

So there are my thoughts for this week. This has been a crazy year of ups, downs, and everything else. Happy New Years. God bless.

tomorrow will be different, so i'll pretend i'm leaving...

Right now what I want more than a lot of other things is my eighth grade dream of seeing the Strokes play a solid rock and roll show. And it would be fun to meet Julian and tell him that his music kept me awake on too many long drives home at night, or long drives away from home during the day. Probably he wouldn't care though, since he is a rock star, with nice hair. But it's a thought.

Now that Woody doesn't have his dew claws, I think I can love cats, even though these guys could never compare to Henry or Julia. I miss my long amount of time spent in the Midwest a lot lately, and I have been cheating on the credit union and looking at cheap plane tickets to various places this summer. I know it's early in the relationship, but I am still a little sad about Faithwalkers, so there's that.

I keep dreaming about money all of the time now, which translates into nightmares because I hate money, which is ironic because of my job situation. So I am hoping these dreams will end soon. I would like to have my normal sleeping patterns back.



Anyways. Here are some quotes I have been saving up, from Spencer and from regular life:

"It hit me right between the face."
-Austin, describing the feeling of being tired, and mixing metaphors again.

"I'm not getting a kid's meal, that's CRAP!"
-Spencer Scribner

"Dad's a little cold-hearted. Don't tell him anything cute, he'll just break it down."
-Spencer, again, on Tom

"Oh, I haven't had a Christmas sock in years!"
-my Grandma excited about a stocking

about tonight.

i got off work while it was still a little bit light outside, which was a nice surprise. plus my first day had like, no problems, except for a guy that wanted me to take his swedish money and give him american money. i am in love with my job right now and i hope it stays like this for at least 3 months. the only weird thing is that i am working with only men all of a sudden. but they are all married or look like richard alpert so there are no worries there.

tonight we went out for scrib's birthday. i keep getting semi-adopted into all of these new families which is always an adventure. we ended up eating at a tepanyaki place and then going to temple square to look at the lights. it was like a rewind of my childhood, except for that i was wearing fancy boots. but it was fun.

"I would like to work with investments..."
"You'd like to work somewhere that had refreshments?"
--Zach, and then Steph. This is a family of misunderstandings.

"If I could fight a girl, I would fight a Russian."
-One of the high school boys I worked with at the grocery store.

There are no deadlines looming over my head for the first time in months. I ended up leaving all of my stresses on my professor's front porch today, which was in and of itself a journey because it is just weird to be standing on your teacher's door step. A man walking his dog just kept looking at me real skeptically like I should not be allowed in that neighborhood. And that was that. It's over, and I'm already starting to feel like not a zombie anymore.

I passed my training class at work today with 100%. It was a lot to take in, but the test was nicely underwhelming and my last day went by fast. The thing that is creepy is that there were only two of us training, though, this whole time, and the other girl was like my freaky Northern twin. We are both the same age, our names are two letters apart, and we both are working our last day of groceries tomorrow. Except the biggest difference is that my twin is in love with David Archuleta. So that is a little bit of a disappointment, but it is nice to know what I would act like in an alternate reality. I was always a little bit curious.

There's my week really fast. Tonight was a good wind down. I have fallen in love with instrumental music and so that's all I've been listening to on repeat for a bit. 3055 by Olafur Arnalds would be a good one to check out, or anything by Explosions in the Sky. It goes well with this cold winter.

"I make the two and a half hour drive out here to see the lights every year. I wouldn't ever miss it, unless I am pregnant, or sick."
-a TLC show, about Christmas. Glad to know people have good priorities.

Lately I have been spending time in high heels and business slacks. Going to the third floor on an elevator with padded walls, an elevator that tells me with a voice that is supposed to be sexy but is really just strange that I am going up. Yesterday my trainer told me that I was now the face of a $5 billion dollar company, and to make sure I always thought about how I was preparing to enter the workplace, like if my hair looks funny or not. Everything is so serious now. I feel like I have aged ten years and am living a freaky life based on a career path I never chose to take. But after this week I won't be working in such a big, fancy building, so maybe this dream life will go away.

....And I also realized why the life of a corporate high-up seems so alluring sometimes: because they feel like what they are doing is so important and innovative and etc. And it's been fun for a few days. I love to dress up but I want to have a level head and realize work is work. it's easy to see how people get sucked into that world--always promising things it can only give temporarily. It all looks so exciting and fun but in reality they're all still a bunch of broken people that need Jesus just as much as I do at the end of their days. It may be power and status and bonuses, but those things are achieved during 60 hour work weeks and missing your child grow up. Plus, they do get tired too, and have to grocery shop and do normal-people things. So my dream of being Veronica Palmer (which I had for like, 3 hours yesterday) from Better Off Ted is on a permanent hold, but I still do feel pretty happy about my new job. Probably what helps that is the breakfast they give me every morning, because they know I don't have time to get ready. That and the trainer whose voice I have a huge crush on, if a crush is even what you would call it. It's more like an appreciation--he doesn't whisper-talk like Alec Baldwin but has an honest, generic American voice that I really would just love to hear tell me nice things all of the time. And maybe that is completely weird.


This is a finals week of two finals, but mostly beginnings of things. Plus tonight what happened was that I fell in love with Hobby Lobby, and also watched Phil Hahn try to snap his fingers really hard which made us all laugh so much.

What happened last night was this:

I rushed from school to work to get there by five, then got off at 11. I drove home with beads of rain on my rear window, which was really cool because the greens and yellows shone through them in a beautiful way. But anyways, when I got home was the fun part, because there was NO doorknob on the front door. Like, someone had just forgot to put one there. So I had to attempt to get through the back gate, which has been broken since forever. The cold had done something weird to the latch, so it took ten minutes of wrestling with it, but I was finally able to get into the backyard and go through the back door. I am feeling more like a spy today.

I only ever eat Mexican food anymore. And I love it.

I wore too many layers of long-sleeves today. I didn't know that was possible, but apparently it is, and so I am waiting for class to be over so I can go change already. The sun outside is always tricking me that it is so warm out, like it is August and the semester is starting all over again. I sometimes would like to do this semester over, and maybe still be taking Metcalf's teaching class. Oh well. I'm an English major now, for real. And also a business minor. And also a teller. And also busy. Bring it, Spring. I'm ready. I'm encouraged right now.

I rode Trax up to school today, with Philip, and Paul Jackson (unexpectedly), which was pretty neat, because Trax is a bummer. Here's to one month and possibly forever of a break from it. I will miss the low gas mileage on my car.

"Well, if you could answer that, that would be great."
--Spencer Scribner, yelling at us all from the bathroom (where he spends a lot of time, yelling out his needs)

"You need to come up and see my Tron collection, Matt!"
"I bought you all of the Tron stuff you have."
"Yeah! You need to come see it!"
-Spen, again, and Matt

It doesn't look like Christmas time around here, it looks like L.A. This is real gross of you, Utah. I would love to write a complaint letter, and maybe get a free hat out of it, except that there is really no way for me to do that. So for now I will just try to spend more of my time indoors.

I had to watch Pulp Fiction for my theory class last night. I am sort of disappointed, because I thought maybe if it was so controversial it would at least be more exciting, but it really wasn't. Maybe I just couldn't get over John Travolta's mullet. Umm, gross. All in all, it was interesting enough, though. In-class discussion will be better, and at least it is better than reading about deconstruction, because my head was going to burst because of that one.

Things are getting back to good. God is faithful.

How do you fix sweatshirt sleeves that are just barely too short? It is really starting to bug.


There is a lot on my mind today. Sometimes my flesh wins, and I lash out. Or sometimes my flesh wins and I say nothing. It's been that kind of day for me, and I spend some amounts of time wishing Jesus would come back for messy old us. It's fitting that I read Genesis 19 today, because those people were SCREWED UP. Lot did nearly everything possible wrong, and yet still God loved him. Lot spent ample amounts of time not trusting God's plan, forging his own way, and looking back at his old life. Even as he hesitated, knowing his old life was going to literally burn, God had the angel grab his hand and pull him away. What a patient, loving, merciful God. I want to be that to people, but it is so hard. People can only break your heart so many times over before you want to give up on them. I guess that's just a place I need to 'yield' each day and work on. It isn't easy--but Jesus forgave ME, and pulled me away from the sin and death clinging to my life, my soul. Daniel DeGeare did a really good job leading Communion tonight. I had a living, breathing God that came down to earth and was up against all that I'm up against. I'm sure people hurt him and ignored his advice and shut him out time and time again, but he didn't give in or even retaliate: He loved them deeply. He loved them deeply enough to die for a whole crowd of them as they mocked and spit at Him. How beautiful a love. How hard a love to show. Daily I am discouraged and frustrated. Daily I realize I suck at dying to myself.

I sold a piece of art tonight, for the first time. Which, all in all, is both scary and encouraging. Scary because I trusted that piece to someone else, for forever and ever. Encouraging because I love this life.

I just real quick have to make three notes about this semester, in line with my three profess0rs (the fourth is just a computer, so i can't study her mannerisms or funny way of speaking):

number one: B.W.
he looks like an old, jewish version of a guy tim i know, and he takes off his glasses and twirls them in his fingers. plus sometimes he just looks like he's in a lot of pain when he's speaking. i think i will miss this professor when he is out of my life. he talks like he is in the princess bride. mr. mancini type stuff.

number two: M.D.
she is a little bit scary because she is not nice. but she is short too, and italian, which she reminds us all the time. she tries to cut through the scary by telling jokes, but i don't trust them still.

number three: K.S.
by far the most interesting of all my professors. she has bleached blonde hair with a black diamond dyed into the back of her head. everything she says is related to some form of gender studies but she is a genius on it. sometimes she gets so excited that she just yells her sentences. dresses like a man, but a classy one, at least.

i will miss number three, and only partly because her office looks straight out of a national geographic. hopefully my next-semester professors will have cool offices too, because it seems like school likes to keep me involved now.

today i walked into my new job and got to meet some of the people. there are like, 3 men, whose names i have already forgotten, but one was wearing a sweater that didn't match his dress shirt, so that made me pretty happy. also there is my boss, who looks very young, and her assistant manager, who is always sick, but looks a little bit like jenny lewis, which is always cool in a person. so two weeks from now i am excited to learn all of their stories.

my jeans are turning everything around me blue. mostly my hands, though. probably i should fix that.

"I am going somewhere, but it will be boring. Do you want to come?"
"Sure!"
-Me, and then Spenc. We have a good false-sibling relationship.