Today at school, I got off Trax and thought, I am probably allergic to this, because the air literally smelled like allergies. Like a sinister plant smell. I do not understand it, but even right now I keep blowing my nose and having a headache. Probably I could just have a cold, because I am always a few days or weeks behind what my friends are sick with. Sophomore year of high school, this would have been terrible, because I was a hypochondriac, as in, I thought every single thing wrong with me was a bigger problem. I even almost wanted to have a terrible, awful disease just so people would believe me. Collin, or Philip, or maybe both, just kept telling me to stop smoking. That was their solution to coughing and headaches and even bruises. Hmm.

Also, off of Trax, a guy just starting philosophically musing to every single person around him. The whole walk up to school he was reciting, VERY LOUDLY, poetry about humanity, crucifixion, and thought. It was weirder because he wasn't homeless or holding some sign about the end times; he was just some college student. Some man dressed completely like me, but in opposite colors, just kept sideways glancing at me to make sure it was really happening. And it really was, for a long time, and I want to tell the guy to shut up and just let us all listen to our music. But I guess that isn't very nice, so instead I just listened to him until we went opposite directions.

I cannot stop sneezing. I cannot stop drinking mugs and mugs full of tea hoping to feel better. I cannot stop hoping that Lost will just get back to being as good as the Richard Alpert episode.

"Forget the protocol, I'll take your hand right in mine."-Vampire Weekend
(and I cannot help loving that song, because it is just so peppy)

I taught an old man how to use a debit card today. As in, I walked him through how to use it while he kept promising me there was money in his account. Simon and I also played the guess where that accent comes from game, and sometimes I think we should get paid more for boring Sundays. I even ended up back at work six hours later, to buy butter and sheepishly invite my boss to church on Easter. She could definitely use some answers, because the things she tells me keep breaking my heart.

Anyways. Royal Tenenbaums and sriracha come back into my life at exactly the right moments. Naps, too, because I've been able to take two this weekend. The simple things keep me going, and for now I think I will drink a simple cup of tea to get rid of this simple sore throat coming on.

I have been listening to First Impressions of Earth over and over.
"See, I'm stuck in a city, but I belong in a field."

Today was Kristen's memorial service. It always hurts a heart to go to those, but it was a celebration. Her mom, in the past six months, has lost two children. I can't even fathom that. It breaks my heart, but inside of it she knows who her God is. She has an unshakable faith through the most horrid circumstances. I was so encouraged listening to her speak about her daughter. There was peace there that transcended understanding, even though the hurt was so strong. My problems are so incredibly tiny compared, and I sit and complain through them all. WAKE UP.
I was also encouraged just listening to stories about the way Kristen lived her life. She was the one that was genuinely interested in my dreams of going to Africa, and she shared her stories with me as encouragement to GO. I still have that spark in my heart. Who knows when, but it's there. I heard so many stories of lives that she changed, things that she did for her God. She was fearless, and that makes me wonder if I am making an impact anywhere. What are my dreams? What are my GOALS? What do I want to be known for? A few things came to mind:
-I want to go to Africa and teach children, still.
-I want to play music, create, serve Christ with all of me.
-I want to love the lost and share Jesus with them!
-I want to plant churches.
-IMPACT. That word. How do I serve better? What do I do with my passions? What can I do every day to further the Kingdom?

This convicts me. I need dreams, we need dreams. Complacency is a scary, scary thing.

Luke 10:38-42
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me."
But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

When I've read this in the past, I've tended to side with Martha a lot. I've had jobs and other things where people haven't carried their own, so it's easy to see why she was frustrated. She thought that in keeping busy and working, Jesus would accept her. But then I look at Mary. She, before, was the one that I couldn't understand. It bugged me that she wasn't helping because I completely missed the point. Instead of being worried, she had the faith of a child. She immediately sat down and listened to what Jesus had to say. Mary didn't care about the state of her house or the distractions around her. All she wanted was to sit at the feet of her Savior and listen to his words. Martha was more worried about the appearance of herself and her house to Jesus, getting 'distracted with much serving'.
Right here, in such a short passage, the character of Jesus is shown! He isn't harsh with Martha when she complains about the sister she thinks is just being lazy; he speaks to her heart, gently, directly. Jesus says Martha's name twice, just like you would to someone that simply didn't understand. He sees into her soul. Her anxieties and troubles are keeping her from relaxing and soaking in his words--it isn't just the serving. Martha's heart wasn't bad, it was just in the wrong place. She was anxious where Mary was willing to lay it down at the feet of Jesus and just listen.

I think that in some ways I am a lot like Martha, that we can all be a lot like Martha. It is easy, living in this world, to let our anxieties keep us from being STILL before God. Martha also felt like she had to do do do before Jesus would accept her. Instead, he told her to put off everything and just listen to him. It was more important, and is always more important, to be with Jesus. After that we can serve him, gladly and in a refreshed state. Like it says in Hosea, God doesn't want our sacrifices, he just wants us to KNOW Him. How beautiful! Let's all strive to be Mary.

Today Jacob got home from school, then immediately walked up to me and asked me if I knew how to boil eggs. Apparently they have to have egg babies for school, and he cracked his the second he got them. So, really, this afternoon has been spent in a panic over these poor eggs, and now we are boiling new ones. Hopefully he can take care of them for at least one day. I keep laughing about it.

I think, also, that the sunshine is both a detriment and a good thing for my homework. I don't want to sit inside and study, but going outside to read a novel for some English class is no big deal at all. Only nine more days of classes this semester. I even liked this one, minus a breakdown and one online class.

"I put on my robe and went downstairs. I was always putting on a bathrobe and going somewhere to talk seriously to a child."
-Don DeLillo, White Noise
My dad would say that.

I spent Monday, Tuesday night, and Wednesday taking photos for some friends of mine. Mainly it made me consider taking some photo classes, and also realize how much I LOVE music photography! Here are some of the ones I am most excited about:

















I have also realized that I may have a little bit of a crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Oops.

things I want to do this summer:

--know God on a deeper level.
--play sports.
--ride bikes a whole lot.
--garage sales?
--go on vacation.
--get a tattoo (maybe).
--create: photography, paintings, music, food, clothing, words.
--leave my hair long for at least a month.
--get to know my house church better.
--be intentional with people.
--see the ocean again.
--camp.
--serve people.
--go to a lake.
--swim more than normal.
--go to lagoon.
--be at peace with things.

Today I saw a glimpse of myself in someone else, and I wanted to shake them and say,
"Hey, that was me a few years ago. Stop it, it isn't as fun as you think it is."

Instead, I sat back down and drank my Heritage Dr. Pepper. Yup, I found them, in a sketch Provo grocery store. Which is a funny story because I never woke up this morning planning on being in Provo. Except, the more I lived through the day, the more I wanted to be at my parents' house, the more I missed Provo, the more I just missed certain things about my life that used to be. I never did sleep much then but now that sounds great. I am tired of a lot of things and I just want Jesus to come back.

Provo does remind me, though, that God has such amazing timing even in the weirdest things. Shocking thing to realize this weekend. Sobering thing to realize. I am too whiny lately. I need to hang out with some girls that will yell at me.

It's getting to where I only want to listen to Thrice's Water album over and over again until my heart keeps breaking. Driving through cryptic construction signs with tears always rolling down. Hitting all the reds before they slowly turn to green. Loving the night but still wishing it was summer.

"I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like you; 'cause it gives, then it takes away"
-Thrice

"When we were in Iowa....no wait, in my bed..."
-Jonathan Young starting a conversation.

white rabbit came and went.

we had to, for a time, volunteer at a pacific islander student conference, blonde and i. blonde knew more about what was going on than i did, so i learned to follow someone whose judgement made me a little bit nervous. we ended up following students around. the job was simple: make sure they didn't escape. once they were sitting in a room, happily dissecting cow hearts, blonde walked away to relax at a table while i found a purse (like i always seem to do). i took the 'being responsible' route and gave it to someone that looked like they were in charge, then sat down next to blonde to attempt homework. nothing much got accomplished, as the man with one arm too sat down and decided to talk to us both. volunteering and conversation was quickly ended because of other classes interfering.

professor two, real crazy, had eye surgery again. couldn't read, but taught english. we all had to teach ourselves about dumb poetry. maybe one day i will love it, but for right now the only poet i enjoy is frank o'hara. and isaiah, i guess.

one month. two months. three months. the days go by. i dream about trains and running around campus. i search for dr. pepper. i sit on a hill and let the wind give me a runny nose. i let God's truth sink in deep. the days keep coming.