"there's a love that doesn't fail, no matter what you've done."

my car is scratched up and down. i'm tired, and sore, and working so many six day weeks.

but in the midst of this I AM SO BLESSED. i am so incredibly and beautifully blessed. it is more than i can fathom. God is amazing to a sinning complainer like me. 

I love my small group.
I love serving my church and my friends.
I love spending time with various Godly women.

My life is changing and my heart is getting ready for spring.
Sometimes, for reasons unknown, i suffer from social anxiety. i love people but the thought of interacting with them stresses me out. maybe it's because of past hurts, but God is totally doing a new work on my heart. i've been trying (read: forcing myself) to try and spend more time with the lovely people God is placing in my life. also, one of my coworkers is moving to SLC this weekend. whole new mission field.

God, shine through me in so many more ways than i ever thought possible. You are worth it, you are worth so much more than the small things i try to offer (which you have you given to me anyways). i want more from life than going to work and making a comfortable life for myself. I want YOU, with all the joys, the aches, the exhaustion, the reward, the tears, and the beauty that that brings. Fill me up and pour me out in service to You and others. all that i have is Yours. remind me of that. You are good and have good for me---how often i forget. this world has nothing except dust and false promises. all of the good, the beauty, the mountains and the valleys, fellowship, love, creativity, trees and sunshine and outside--that is all you. inspire my heart and stretch my faith. I love you. Soli Deo Gloria. 

"And the night was cool and clear as glass with the sneaking snake in the garden grass, as Deep cried out to Deep, the Disciples fast asleep. And the snake perked up when he heard You ask: if You're willing that this cup might pass we could find our way back home, maybe start a family all our own...but does not the Father guide the Son? Not my will but Yours be done! What else here to do? What else me but You???

And the snake who'd held the world, a stick, a carrot and a string, was crushed beneath the foot of Your not wanting anything."

-mewithoutYou

i've gone back to my poppy, coldplay loving ways. i don't know if i am ashamed of this or not, because it just puts me in a better mood.


i am reading the confessions of saint augustine. super stoked on this one.

i keep buying unnecessary books and trinkets at thrift stores.

i am not as angry about the snow as everyone else, because utah is so pretty. plus, i live close to all the places i need to go now anyways.

weeks get to be both short and long. i am confused about time lately. in three weeks i will get a whole week off of work, to spend time with my brother. my last vacation was michigan, so this will be a joy, even if it's a vacation to provo, utah. at least the air is less inversion-y. plus, i'm sure we will end up in zion...or at least, mapleton. i miss my little bro. every time he's been in town i've been tied to school and work, so this will be the first time we actually get a decent amount of time together. maybe he'll teach me how to get buff real quick.

sorry i am so lazy about capitalization. i am probably rebelling against seo writing, since this is all i have been doing.

tomorrow is my sabbath and i am going to enjoy it to the full. God is good to give rest. i keep thinking about the fact that our bodies could have been created to function without sleep, and we could get so much more done, but that God allows for rest in our lives simply because he is good. i always wish i had more time to get things done, but i am also learning to love naps, VERY MUCH, and i think God is so kind to have designed us to be able to just take a break for six to eight hours a night.

i am seeing God's kindness in the strangest things. goats, because they really aren't useful for much, and they eat everything, but they're so cute and hilarious. crazy days at work. gift cards for sweatpants. snow. salt lake. buffalo chicken. spyro the dragon. wine. God creates to bring joy and bless our hearts. i want to create, to write, to photograph, to give back. God is the best artist, and all my attempts are feeble, but He loves them nonetheless and i am so grateful.

Some quotes I have found saved up in my phone:


"That's the cleanest your hair has ever looked!"
-Garrett Anderson, giving compliments in his typical fashion

"On my band t-shirt quilt they are the only band that has TWO T-SHIRTS."
-Provo-Ann, with incredible enthusiasm. She showed me this quilt later in the night.

I have three full days off of work. Three. This is so rare I am not sure what to do with it. There are no major holidays left until like, July, so I probably won't have it again, except for the days I take off when my brother comes home. I am so excited for a Sabbath and rest from my crazy and long days.

It sounds so cliche and dumb, but I am already wondering why college was so long ago. I graduated in December, but I can hardly remember being Buff Crossfit Girl or Writing a Paper All Night Girl. I thought I would miss it more, and I do miss a few things, but all of my friends only want to complain about how hard college is. I still don't have much free time, but I don't have as many deadlines looming over my head, which is nice.

So much going on. I want to start doing a Bible study. I want to exercise more. I want to finish decorating my house and start on some projects. I want to fight this sickness that I feel coming on.


Oh, and some more warm days would be nice as well. Bring on spring, Utah.

oh deary me, when did i get so busy?

between job one and job two (which is a lot like being in school because of so much writing) i managed to get a terrible haircut and buy a car battery.  i also ended up sleeping in a super old house in provo, so that was fun. i haven't washed my hair in six days. i don't have a key to the front door of our building anymore so i have to wait to be let in like a dog. my boss forgot about an important meeting with a potential client so i had to have it for her. we just made six brand new items in three hours.

my head is spinning all around. i need to stop and rest and enjoy the busy days.

A couple quick thoughts on God, and work, and happy-sad days of no college:

I have been learning a lot on my slightly more laid back Bible reading plan.  I've done the One Year for the past two years, and honestly it's worn me out.  I love reading God's word but it is nice to be able to take things a little slower and really focus on the passages I feel I need more time on.  I've been reading the book of Genesis, which is super cool because it's basically God teaching people to trust Him.  It's a book about people screwing up and God showing grace and guiding them through crazy situations. Something that really stuck out to me was the story of Abraham and Sarah.  They were both getting old, and they were super stressed because they couldn't have a kid.  Finally Sarah, instead of trusting God, decides to have Abraham sleep with their servant, who ends up having a child and being resented.  Sarah tries to do things on her own instead of asking God for help, and it causes her incredible pain and jealousy.  God is gracious though, and He gives Abraham and Sarah a child of their own.  They are pretty old at this point, but God can do anything.  He blesses their son Isaac, saying that the inheritance will come through him.  Ishmael,  Abraham's son through Hagar, receives a blessing too, but it isn't the same.  God's plan always is better than ours, and his blessing falls on it, but God is still gracious when we mess up.  He didn't leave Ishmael to rot, but He made Abraham's hasty decision into something that brought God glory.  I love God's patience with us!

Work has been both encouraging and a mess.  I've been frustrated by having to train people (which I don't understand how to do) but encouraged by conversations with my coworkers.  One of my coworkers was telling me an analogy the other day about how if "we do our best God will do the rest" and my heart just broke for her.  That life sounds so burdensome, and it discredits God's unending grace.  I was able to share truth with her in that moment, a very hasty version of it, but God is good and I am so stoked to be able to sow seeds.  I am praying that she'll come to church with me.  She calls everything but 80's pop 'devil's music' so that has been an interesting adventure in legalism.  I know all the words to most pop songs now, but she told me I was the most Christ-like person she has met the other day, so it is all worth it.  I don't feel adequate in sharing the gospel, or that my life even reflects anything I want it to, but God is using me in ways I don't see.  This is going to be a good year.

Oh, and no college.  I have been working on decorating my tiny new bedroom and watching a lot of TV shows.  A lot being way too many.  I haven't read any books besides the Bible yet, but I will get there one day.  My heart has grown towards the snow this year, so that is an exciting mystery.  I love seeing it, I'm just ready for my poor little car to stop getting stuck everywhere (parking lots, streets, alleyways.  EVERYWHERE).  Even though the snow is pretty I am ready for the world to thaw so I can explore my neighborhood.

The sad part is really only that I miss walking around University of Utah mountain.  And Greg.  And my virtual nature class.

"Yes, these questions are still in my mind. In deep disappointment I have wept over the laxity of the church. But be assured that my tears have been tears of love. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Yes, I love the church. How could I do otherwise? I am in the rather unique position of being the son, the grandson and the great grandson of preachers. Yes, I see the church as the body of Christ. But, oh! How we have blemished and scarred that body through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists.

There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being "disturbers of the peace" and "outside agitators."' But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were "a colony of heaven," called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be "astronomically intimidated." By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests. Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent--and often even vocal--sanction of things as they are.

But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Letter From Birmingham Jail.

If only he could see us now.  I think that, despite the decreased racism, MLK would weep at the American church today.  I am convicted to the bone.  In what ways am I lukewarm?  Where do I back off when I should stand up?

"They were too God-intoxicated to be astronomically intimidated".  This blows my mind.  It has been super encouraging to go through the book of Acts both at church and in my own personal quiet times. There is such an incredible example there of commitment, perseverance, love, and fellowship.  We are so blessed as a body of believers to have the example of those men and women to follow.  I am excited about this year and what it will bring.  God, use me in 2013!

Last words

Said to me by my sweet grandmother, who is hopping a plane back to Michigan in the morning:

"Son of a bitch!"

These, among other phrases like "I love you". My grandma represents all that the Midwest means to me personally and now I am homesick for the country roads and lakes of Michigan once more. I hope I can take time off this year to go visit again. If you cut into my chest you might find a heart oddly shaped like the Great Lake State. This all sounds terribly dramatic but I cannot come close to capturing this place in a short blog post. It doesn't do justice to the miles of fields and "you betcha, amen"'s and the clean air. I am in love with a place most people don't care to visit.

So there's that. My grandma will be back in May and I wish all of Utah could meet her. She is such a smart and spunky (a word reserved solely for grandmothers) woman. I have quite the family.