i guess i really like pad thai.

things that made this week better:
-the book of matthew
-getting something accomplished at band practice
-going back to coffee
-being friends with devin and chianne
-thinking about things
-new sweatshirts
-acid tongue
-friday night conversations
-going to university mall
-jerry lewis
-stomach butterflies.

other than that, i'm tired, so tired.

i still like jerry lewis just as much as i did at the end of last year.

"i'm just a nowhere, and that's the worst kind of something that you can be."

i really need to go move around about now, but instead i'm sitting on the couch with brewster next to me and america trying to get me to buy a car. is this going to happen when i'm 30 too? will 15 year-old girls still try to be 25? will the economy still be terrible?

everyone's dog in provo has a sweater. it reminds me of being little and having schnapps. that dog looked old from the moment he was born. i could never figure out what his name meant until i was about eight, and then i would giggle everytime i said it. i guess i miss having that dog around a little bit. he never did much, and he would let austin and i put clothes on him. marley just bites and cries and does all the things a human baby couldn't ever get away with. it would be okay, except she isn't even cute. isn't that the reward for having a puppy? nevermind that you ate my moccasins and peed on my bed, i like squeezing your face.

today a lady came in and talked to me at work for a good twenty minutes. those people are always so funny. she kept talking about how, yes, she HAD been at Haight-Ashbury. it came up about 5 times in our conversation, along with 'yeah, i just got stitches out of my eyes' (and then a pause where she took her sunglasses off to show me her yellow and blue skin). i felt like i knew this lady after she left. it was depressing in a way; i was probably the person she talked to most that day. all she wanted was a peace sign necklace, but she left with three things and a new friend. i maybe should make it a point to really talk to a sales clerk once. maybe i should show them pictures of MY family. it's funny to know that i won't be at mervyn's two weeks from now, since i've been trying to quit for so long. i guess i'll have to find a new lady that looks like don knotts, and a new hari khrisna girl to try and make sense of.

"well, i know she says a-s-s a lot, but i don't think she's ever learned anything worse than that."
"i've heard worse, jeena."
"really, like what?"
"like 'i'm gonna play the effing drums, and no one is ever going to stop me, not even my mom."
"OHH?"
-jeena and i talking about her daughter syvanah

i keep seeing a lady that looks like don knotts, EVERY time i am at work.

i hope i'm not imagining her.
that lady is keeping me sane.

the fact that i was steaming didn't really bother me. the air was cold, and the snow was falling as we sat in 100 degrees. my head was in a completely different world than my heart was, figuratively and literally. i miss you, sandy. i miss you, late nights and deep conversations and feeling a little more alive, naturally.

i think i remembered why we are best friends:

"you know what? i just wish he were ugly. that would make life so much easier."

"he should just be your maid of honor, then."
"or i can just make my husband be best friends with him so he could be the best man."
"yeah, you could just marry my brother."



and i think i remembered why we were best friends, but those are reasons that i'll keep to myself.

i have some buckets to hold onto now:
-that God saved me from the fall, not the curse. i can't expect tihs life to be fine.
-that I need to be thirsty
-that I am blessed
-that hot tubbing is so good for your SOUL.

we posed so well, but the heart wasn't in it. it never was. maybe if you really looked into my eyes, you would see massive exhaustion. would you teach me what to do with that? 

i guess today i am a dreamer, because today i am tired. i've been trying to spit the words out for 3 days now, but nothing works. this is a fantasy, because in reality dogs don't chew their toenails and there is NOT some creepy sound coming from the next room. in the real world, cold air is coming through the window and the beatles are incredibly modern. my eyes are bloodshot, and the world is still spinning, spinning, spinning. right now is a make believe world where the economy is made up of monopoly money, and everyone eats black bean burritos for breakfast. my words really do make sense and the headache is obviously gone. come there with me for just a day? 

stress does that to a body. let's go while we still have time. let's ride bikes through the forest. let's ignore the ciggarette smell coming through the open window. spontaneity. try with me. 

the sunset is beautiful, too. God gives me the funniest little things when I am about to pull all of my hair out. maybe i just wasn't meant to be bald.