"I still just don't understand how you are getting a 90% in that class."
"It's called fraternizing with the enemy, Karl."
-my brother, showing off his vocabulary, and Karl, talking about their high school english class.

I was your silver lining, but now I'm gold.

Exhaustion creeps in, and hunger, and sometimes I can't decide which is more important to give into. Sleep will probably win but for now I still have a headache. Always it is a headache. Tonight was good, but tonight was also hard and I am learning daily about what it means to follow Jesus. Sometimes it feels ugly, and looks bleak, but He always wins and I trust that.

There are hours of photo edits left for me to do. That part of photography is absolutely no fun.

a dream:

The store got a new system again. The only problem was that it was the same system the hospital had, and the customers had a hard time reaching the screen to sign for their purchases. A lady came by to pick up her groceries after I had spent like, ten minutes sorting her coupons. Before I could ask her what her form of payment was, a receipt printed that said, "Paid in Full". I asked my mother what that meant, since she worked at the hospital, but she just told me it meant I needed to burn the saddle.

After work (or possibly during; dreams are never too clear on time), I got a call from a person saved in my phone as "Fetul Evenson", which was my gross misspelling of 'Fetal'. I had never met a Fetal Evenson, but they had texted me their new number and I had saved it, because of us having the same last name. So I answered, and it was my cousin Lyndsey. I realized that she had just totally misspelled her name in the text to me, and not bothered to change it. Lyndsey announced she was thinking about going to the U of U and moving in with my parents. I was jealous of her living there but I told her to do it.

While still awkwardly on the phone, I was able to interact with a baby named Jet. We actually had a conversation as if he was two or three, and I took him outside so I could pace there (I always paced on phone calls). While outside, we found my brother and a friend of his, who announced that he too was moving into my parents house pretty soon. I told him he would have to meet my cousin when she moved out, because she was still on the phone, and he said, "Like I meet all of your friends, just saying hi and then moving on." I told him to shut-up, so he starting playing with his lighter, trying to smoke it. The baby I was holding was fascinated. He kept reaching out for the glowing flame, and the dude let him touch it. I yelled at him, "Are you CRAZY? I can see you letting Marley lick a flame, but a human baby?! Really?!" He just kind of looked at me, ashamed-like, and I looked at my phone, ready-to-hang-up like, and the baby looked at us, sad, 'dude-i'm-burned'-like. it was a bad moment.

the truth is that if i hear one more person complain about boys, guys, men, etc. i am going to throw up. and then possibly move to another state. or probably i will just yell. we will see when the time comes.

wyoming wasn't so bad today, except for the wind. i love having a cowboy family to go back to. there is something about 180 acres of land that makes me excited. it is a nice thing to have space all around you that isn't just condos or people walking their snobby dogs, or even a mcdonald's. anyways, kim got to ride a horse, and we both fell in love with my aunt's stupid, stupid goat, coco, which is how i imagine she spells it, living on all of that land. maybe i am wrong. they are such a cute little cowboy couple, and by little i usually mean like, 5'5", both of them. when i was younger i always loved my uncle's accent because he said 'warshed' instead of 'washed', which i thought was so cowboy and foreign. aus and i got to help warsh the horses once, up there on the mountain. somedays is it so foolish to want to live there? except i am still always in a hate/hate relationship with wyoming. maybe if we didn't always get stuck there coming back from colorado. or if it had an actual landscape. i mean, dirt is cool, but usually you plant stuff in it is the idea, and the wind doesn't blow it all down.

so here's to that, and one more final, and a lot of days off of work this week. maybe i'll start a project.

On the train, for rare moments, you can see into the car in front of you, and that operator's booth is lined with wood. For a minute you imagine the train is a classy, wonderful thing, like in a Wes Anderson movie. Except, right when you are thinking of all of those nice things, a lady gets on, tripping on whatever her drug of choice is. And she is loud, and obnoxious, and people are holding her back. And it breaks your heart.

School is literally almost done. I can see the end, which is this Friday and also next Thursday. Writing final papers has kept me so stressed that I am afraid it isn't really done after all. I dream of still having classes, even when it is ninety-five degrees and I am in another state. My professors are mad at me because I have missed, like, five days straight, but I just want them to remember that I am on vacation. All that I am ready for is miles and miles of fields. But right now God is just reminding me that he loves me, even when I am miserable and grumpy over finals week. I just need to be content in the situation I am in, which is writing papers. And not sleeping. Basically I am blessed to be in school at all, even though sometimes it sure feels like more of a burden.

Babysitting is almost done, too, and right now I am just so glad that I don't have to be a mother for, like, a whole bunch of years. I don't know how to make kids fall asleep well enough for that responsibility.

"We are having a hookah party. Too bad you couldn't be here right now. I'll take pictures of everyone for you."
-my Mom, calling me to tell me about their night. Provo has really made my parents wild and adventurous.


I have been hanging out with a lot of foreigners lately. Which would be neat, I guess, except we don't speak the same language, so a lot of words get lost in translation. Also, I do not have enough money to go and visit them for at least three years, possibly five, so that is probably not polite.

driving in the rain makes me ache for a home that i can't even remember, outside of the lens of being eight. i want to pack up and go to the northwest for a weekend, even if it is still cold. maybe it will just remind me that i don't need to miss it that much. but gas is probably cheaper there too, so we will see.

but i have literally been packing boxes for a lot of today, and that is always a nostalgic thing to do, because of finding old letters, and photos, and art projects. also, i took three whole weeks off of work, starting june eighteenth, so here's to counting down to that.