Well, I sent my last paper to my last professor, and took my last final today, so I'm done.  Like, for real, DONE.

So now comes Christmas, and then, a week later, moving out.  This is strange.  I still feel like everything is moving so fast, and I'm just sitting here taking it all in.  Like that scene from Garden State basically.  I need to pack up boxes and figure out where all of my stuff actually is.  I feel like I've lived at like, 5 houses over the past few years.  There was the first house I actually lived in, where I did too many oil paintings in my room and got so many headaches.  There was the home away from my two homes, where there were so many dogs and it always smelled like a fireplace. I miss that.  There is the home I am in now which is big and chaotic and oh so German.  And the home I am going to--so tiny and in a pretty neighborhood.

I am getting old.  This is weird.

I am still swallowing all the pills my doctor gave me.

Still, despite the fact that they are not working.  Doc says my bloodwork is perfect, but he can't explain the sickness I still feel daily.  He says my cholesterol is a negative risk factor, that I can start smoking more or less, but he says I have an unknown problem.  Is this growing up?  There is no placebo effect here. Affect?  If this is my thorn to bear though, I will be content and praise God that it is not something more horrible.

I miss Greg already.  I want to write him a letter saying how he changed my muscles and was the first person to make me actually gain weight in like, ever.  I am hoping I don't turn back into playdough soon, because I can't make myself run outdoors in the winter and am too poor for the luxury of the gym.

But besides my stomach and the whole gym issue.


I am going to look at apartments for the first time tomorrow.  I guess I am getting older because I am moving up from one bedroom in a large house to more rooms in a tiny house.  I feel too immature for this.  Like I will wake up one morning and realize I'm not twenty-one, but really just thirteen and wondering why I have my own set of pots and pans.  This is a good season for me because none of it has gone according to my plans.  God has shaken up all that I thought my life was going to be.  I will have a college degree in approximately 45 days (or whenever else they decide to mail out my diploma) and I work at a gluten-free bakery.  I don't really feel ready to leave though.  I usually get anxious if I don't have everything planned out in advance, but God's been taking the things I trust in and throwing new ones in my lap. I am fine with these years of not knowing.  They will work for good.

I am leaving college behind today.  Just the classes, not the college-related anxiety.  I still have so much to do--the problem with taking three 5000 level classes at once--and one killer WOD that I hope doesn't kill me.

This feels weird.  Time is confusing.  I don't know what I am going to do after this school sleepiness wears off, but I know God is good.  Things will be okay, despite my lack of plans.

"Never mind our plan making, we'll start living, anyway..aren't you unbearably sad?  Why burn so poor and lonely?  We'll be like torches, torches together."