"then came the nights, when, lying awake beside my final wife, i would spend too much time putting my finger on what was wrong. i was wearing the finger out. what was wrong was very simple. sometimes her life and mine fell on the same day."
-gary lutz.



department of eagles on, tea made, but still, i can't write. this is probably all sorts of bad for school, since i have two papers due this week.

my first professor of the day, who sounds like he should be in princess bride, and is generally alright because he lets me get to class a few minutes late, mentioned this american life in class today. somehow he made it tie into medieval literature, which made my respect for him go up by like, 5,000 points, because that stuff is boring.

two more work days this week. one more school day. who said it's almost october already? i don't see many yellow leaves. plus it's 90 degrees outside. this is the surprising nature of utah, but i am starting to love it even more, despite the fires and despite the yucky air.

Netflix started sending us movies in the mail without us asking for them, which is sort of a thrilling adventure.

The first movie they sent was the 60's version of the Music Man, which, umm, I am already aching for my summer all over again, for fields and hay bales and humidity. For long talks, and sunsets, and campfires until it is freezing outside. For fireworks, for counting obese people, for just not showering for a week (oops). How did Netflix know about this, is what I am wondering?

My eyes are real tired, like I haven't slept in over a month. One day I will wake up and wonder what happened to these days because it is already hard to keep them straight.

(Also, today Brian at work--who is becoming my favorite person to work with--accidentally gave me a benadryl that wasn't non-drowsy, which made for a very long day. )

"Who's Kate Gosselin?"

"I don't know, but don't look at her in a bikini!"

-An older couple, at work.


These are the people that are holding my nights together.

i have this new thing, where i can't sleep without white noise. like, if there is nothing going on i won't sleep. i think it is due to the busy-ness (business?) and noise of my summer. that and the fact that without it, my thoughts are just louder.

i am working a ten hour shift tomorrow. it's been a long time since i've done one of those, but i let my manager pressure me into it too easily, regardless of my theory homework, or even friends. work has been in my prayers a lot lately, because it's so discouraging and i just want out all of the time. it's been a year now, a long year, but i'm just not sure yet if God wants me to move on or not. the last few weeks there have been really hard and messy.

steele said tonight that we would be fools to keep holding onto any treasures that were lesser than Jesus. and i am agreeing so much, but, damn, that is convicting. my hands are pretty full of my treasures, and the messes they've caused, but it feels good to just keep dropping them, one by one. God is so patient with me, throughout my worries and headaches and even my impatience. how beautiful a truth to see, to know. i am truly excited for the changes fall is bringing into my life, even if i get a little sad about them occasionally. God knows exactly what i need right now.

"This building that I'm in smells like chlorine and cigs, and it made me think of you."
-a text message from Emma Hahn

you know what i hate?

when you're driving, and you have a moment where there is a great idea for a story in your head, but you can't write it down because you're steering.

so then you forget it as soon as you are able to write it, but it is always in the back of your head, bugging you.


maybe i should start putting these things in my phone.

tonight i watched this film for a class, which was entirely in chinese, except for when they listened to american songs, which were always oldies, or reggae. or, sometimes there was a mysterious lady in a blonde wig, who smoked a lot of cigarettes, that occasionally spoke english. but anyways, it was so wonderful. it made sense with a lot of things that are going on in my life, which sounds cheesy but is mainly true.

i feel like i haven't seen my friends for a long time, like i have just been going to school always, or working, or watching children. but then i remember a moment i've had, that is recent, where people were involved in my life. that is manageable for now. further down the line (which hopefully is soon) i need to figure out some time management. this is making for long days, which i can't stay awake through. this is just a long season, though. one day i'll wake up and the semester will be over, and maybe i'll have a new job.

God is teaching me things, in this extra time by myself, in hard days, in not sleeping very much. i have been having some great quiet times, and my head is above water, for now. i wonder when things will change but i know that ultimately God's timing is perfect and worth resting in. i am tired of running around seeking my own desires. it gets me nowhere, and it just creates one more thing to think about before i fall asleep. so here is to letting go of that and picking up a real fight, that has direction and a vision. i'll wait for as long as i need to.


also, on a completely unrelated note: i love doing bridal photos, but it's so hard to not be able to post previews of a project that i'm so excited about.

"my mom took my sister to the doctor because she was getting too fat, and you know what the doctor told her? to stop eating so much cereal."

-yelin, on german healthcare

i keep almost falling asleep in my first english class, everyday, and i think that is because medieval literature is boring. so, good to know, if you ever can't fall asleep.

i have been looking through pictures of my summer, and they make me sad, in a way, because i know i won't get to do a lot of things again, like spend three weeks in the midwest (which, also, i am dreaming about every night). so pretty much that totally sucks, and i am grateful i got to go when i did.

one month till vacation, again. fall is starting to look better, warmer, livelier. yesterday was a bike ride through the west, which is really actually wonderful in cooler weather. fall isn't going to be such a hard thing this time around, and i will be waiting with open arms. for once.

i may be exhausted, and probably sick, but never too exhausted for 30 rock. so that's how i plan on ending my night.


also, i've sneezed, like, 30 times today. it feels SO GOOD.

spencer does this funny thing when you are reading out loud with him, where he just fires out words if he doesn't know what something says. like, if the word is concept, and he doesn't want to sound it out, he says just about every other word that starts with c in the english language. it's pretty odd. he has a bigger vocabulary than most of the kids i've ever met.



this semester has already proved itself super tough in one week, but i think i can handle it. mainly just critical theory is kicking my butt, because of nothing i read making sense. it's like, only french guys, and it's like they got together at their french school, and said,

'hey, let's say a bunch of really obscure stuff, that undergrad students in america will have to spend, like, hours reading.'

so that part is kind of annoying. the rest of school life isn't really so bad though. i love walking all around the campus while it is still warm.

another funny thing is that i have been working more hours than ever before, which means i have a lot more customers that recognize me all of the time. like a man today that scolded me, saying, 'hey, i thought you were in school!' i guess it is nice that he was reminding me that i do that, except i never remember telling this man about school before. or really i don't even remember this man, with his short hair and sunglasses. mainly the people i remember go like this:
old. quiet. write checks real slow. smile. goodbye. repeat.
but they are cute in their routines, like 'sage'. i don't know if that is his name, but his checks say that and he is an ADORABLE little asian man who was also a world war two veteran, or a veteran of some war, because he wears the hats. anyways. sage comes in only on wednesdays and i have come to look forward to his smiling face. one day work will be more exciting stories; but for now, this is what keeps me going.

i am happy right now, truly, even though everything is crazy and messy. God sometimes makes us give things up to Him when we don't feel like we are ready to. And it's never bad.