i have this new thing where i forget to sleep at night, so i am surviving on naps. some days i just throw on an episode of south park for the sake of falling asleep, and two hours later i am deliriously happy. my semester is over next week, and then i have a whole month off of school. that also means a whole month off of public transportation, and painting pictures, and reading books. i should have some good, solid time to seek Jesus and make some money.

so that leaves me right here, with oil paint on my fingers and a bruise on my back, wishing i was chewing gum. it's been a long week, and today is only just monday. the weekend was a mess of work and car rides. sometimes my favorite part of a whole week is just a ride back from provo in a warm ford with a good friend. i need nights like that to keep me from going crazy during an eight hour shift. one day i am afraid i will just snap and quit, or yell at a customer. for the time being though, i just try to find the good in customers. the only scary thing is that, after 10 minutes of seeing them, every woman with brown hair starts to look alike, and i'd be angry too if someone asked me how i was doing five times in one day.

yup, that leaves me right here, wondering about the very state of my heart. i think about paul, when he says that his flesh and his soul are in a constant battle, and i agree with him. my head and my flesh want one thing, and my heart starts to want it too, when i am not trusting. God has a plan that i don't see, so usually i imagine what it is. i assume this, that and the other, and i take matters into my own hands. God is PATIENT though, even when i am not. i want my life to be a reflection of that. i sure do need his help every single second though. to breathe is to want so many things, but i have all that i need at this moment in Christ, and i trust that. He has my heart where he wants it for now, and i am going to rest and be okay in that.