then all of a sudden came the sound like the end of the world

so i decide to think about two, three years, ago, and how i am different, and how i am so much the same. and this decision making is always done at night, or when i've had a really long day. and, always, the realization is that there are still a lot of things in my life that i would truly like to shake up.

and my days, they have just been so interesting in and of themselves.

on friday i tought 12 children how to give a teacher a headache, or vice versa. they passed with flying colors, as they were drawing out their ten plagues. yup, i learned how to drive a utah mobile too, to the grocery store with medicine in the candy aisle. we made two batches of alfredo, sans any need for that. i lit off some sparklers using three boxes of matches and no help from the wind.
on saturday, i learned how not to count money and how to spend hours creating error messages on work machines. i drove a mazda at 70 and bought a mint green v-neck at forever 21, in case ten wasn't enough. i watched saturday night live, and became a taxi, and cooked some food, and even realized that i couldn't paint.
on sunday i drank too much coffee and almost forgot my very own name. church taught me how to interact with little kids and be friends with teenage boys. i sat in a hot tub in the cold rain, and then, two hours later, played frisbee in the sun. oh utah. i learned how to hit a baseball and set myself up for three days of dead muscles. i became a mother of two children that just wanted to tell jokes and wear me out, and i didn't even know what to make of it.
and then, on the holiday, i worked, and dealt with angry mothers and confused men, and, by the grace of God, left early.
and today, i was a high school student one more time. i was the girl that ate mcdonald's and regretted. i was jerry lewis and i was bob dylan, as i walked across the stage four times, as i looked at my hair in the mirror. i was a summer night, with ice cream and laughter, and i loved it.

and none of those things would i change for a minute.

"did you know that men can have a mammogram?"

"really? a MAN-O-GRAM?"

"yeah, it's true."

"man, do you get a shirt for that?!"

a typical conversation with ramsey.

"we need to talk."
"about what?"
"about anything: the newest movies, rain on a tin roof, shopping malls. the things we are too scared to say, and the things that we forget about."
"sound good to me."

i am wide awake. i don't feel like i am going to throw up, and my head doesn't hurt, for a new record.

i would love to always live inside of days like today. the more i look at it, the more i am excited for life. i think i'm starting to take the side of an optimist, and it feels great. last night i was able to relax, courtesy of a hot tub and will ferrell skits. this morning i was able to go to church and see some of the people i love the most. i can't even get over this idea of family lately. i am SO blessed by my church. i am so blessed by leaders that want the best for me even when i don't. my heart was ripped open today interacting with CHILDREN and teenage boys. aka
1. helping in Sunday school has been a huge blessing for me. children are such a beautiful thing. i love hearing them talk about God and their opinions on life. i think that teaching will be a good choice for me.
2. i was able to test two teenage boys for an outreach class final today. what an amazing thing! they were so passionate about what they were saying. one of the kids went above and beyond being the child that i used to babysit occasionally, and he turned into a man in front of my eyes. i can't wait to see these guys grow up into men that will love Jesus and their families more than anything in the whole world. they are going to be amazing dads and husbands and leaders and revolutionaries.

so, my God is good, and faithful, and real, and refreshing. even when i hate my feelings, or my sickness, or my flesh. he gives me encouragement and direction. he gives me people to plant my flag and die with. i am so thrilled to look back on my life in ten years and see all that has gone on in my life..who i've become and who's life i've changed. this world is fading fast, and sometimes i get a glimpse of that, and i want to fix it so bad. all else fades away.

i guess it has been a very long time since i've written on here, because i've discovered the lost art of notebooks and pens.

so, if you could read through my notebooks and pens, it would go something like this:

5/6
"and so lately i have just been realizing some things, like that high school plans for my life are ridiculous. like that sometimes the closest people to you are the ones that give you the worse ideas. and now i don't want to be that person, and love God all the more instead. i'm doing better. i've been using new words, topics, ideas in my sentences. i've added variety, and it feels nice. on a complete side note, i saw the inspiration for a dylan-esque song today. this is how he does it. on a country road, through a canyon, was an OLD bus broken down in the middle of the highway. it was a dark brown, sad looking thing, with destination "private function". directing traffic was not the blue and red of police on the side, but a one armed old man. everyithning was in slow motion and carnival stule. i think i saw mr. jones today."

5/7
i guess i can't commit to one form of handwriting, and hopefully that doesn't effect my committment in other areas. i'm pretty sure it won't. well, i fell in love today, except it's with Pho. it made my eyes water a few times, but i love burning lips. why didn't i discover you sooner, sriracha and crushed peppers? you made my day today. maybe we can get together more often. i am remembering that i play guitar all of a sudden. it's something to love and look forward to. i am also remembering i like to play keyboard, if only to feel like david bowie. who needs to know actual chords if you can hit a synth and sound like space? yup, there's a day in the life, minues the loads of laundry and minor sunburn. i am trying to remember that my heart is 'deceitful above all things', but really i want it to be telling me the truth just this once. that would be ideal. i guess that's just part of being human. sometimes my selfishness just wants my desires before God's because i don't always know what his are. who am i, to contradict the maker of mountains, love, and victory? his plans for me are GOOD.




so that leaves today.

my house was made for teenage boys, and i am wondering now how that is even okay? today i spent four hours trying to figure out life in regards to senior pictures, and i also got myself a brand new sunburn. oh provo, i will miss you and the conversations that we have.