i'm battling a headache and utah's bipolar weather, and math problems that i don't understand. but, i got a few new spoon songs, so that's helping me out a little bit.

i helped plant carrots on saturday night, and right now i am just hoping that they get a chance to grow.

andy warhol is in the next room.

my feet ache and my back aches and my head aches, and my hearts aches a little bit too, but i've realized that my hair isn't falling out yet. you win some you lose some, i guess. i'm probably going to throw up in a few hours too because:
1) i ate italian today
and
2) people in my life are going down left and right.
so that leaves me here, anticipating, and remembering my hypochondriac self that i really thought had disappeared.


i've been spending my spring break waking up earlier than i usually do, and it's almost even refreshing. God is so good to give me this family and this heritage. we hiked up a mountain and sang songs on top of a Y that has symbolized deception for so many years. i think that something is going to happen that we don't even see. the show doesn't get fully packed so that our friday service doesn't get shut down. the man walking down the street gets his thirst for answers quenched. i would think of more, but i think i'd rather sleep and try not to throw up.

i am exhausted all the time. and, lately, i dream about sleeping in and missing everything. it's funny how all of my dreams are about things like that. occasionally, i dream that i sleep in and miss school, or work, or life. other times, i dream that i can't make a decision, and that people are waiting on me. always, i seem to wake up stressed out. thank the Lord that i am almost done with this semester.

the truth is i don't think about you very much anymore. and i don't think about me, or him, or her, or any of that. mainly i just think about my future, and how i just want to live in an old house with a lot of fields nearby. Jesus, me, and the eventual you, the one that plays acoustic guitar and wants to eat healthy, too. the one that i have never met, probably. and i know that it won't complete me, or fulfill me, but sometimes i just want that day to come sooner. so for now, i'll sit and listen to folk songs, and be happy right where i am. i might even walk around barefoot again.

my little brother announced to me that he wants to be a farmer, and then he asked me to kill nazi zombies with him. i think that i love him even more for that.

i guess nothing is going on except that i can't even make decisions. God is good to me, in the midst of getting walnuts when you ask for rocky road, and even in the midst of the parking lot getting taken by a bunch of men and tiles. He is teaching me how to survive weeks of 3 paper due dates, and even that 1050 won't kill me after all. He is holding my hand and reminding me that breathing is normal, and so is just missing someone real bad. I love him so much for that. plus, i got a tax return this year, so that has to count for something. i am excited for what is to come, whether it be here or 40 miles away.

also, i am itching, even aching, to get a truck, pack it up, and drive to anywhere that is miles of open fields. that sounds like a little piece of heaven to me. i want to wear a dress where the weather isn't bipolar, and breathe in air that isn't cigarettes and pollution, just for one day, even.

it's a funny thing when you finally make a decision.

and then God throws you the curveball you needed.