Well, it's been awhile since I've written, especially looking at it in light of the fact that my brother graduates high school tomorrow. That is a really weird feeling. I sort of feel bad for my parents because I don't know what they will do now. Travel or let someone else move into their house again, I guess. Time has been such a weird thing in my mind lately. Tonight I stayed up probably too late talking to Tom and Rick (which is funny, because we all live in the same house yet never manage to really have conversations) and it was a sobering hearing their stories. I feel like every week passing is closer to school and I still haven't done anything with my summer. I feel like I need to finish school. I feel like I should spend more time at work or more time on my bike or more time visiting people. Time time time. I am blessed by this lull though and I need to learn to enjoy it. I don't have many summers left before I have to get a real-real job --my job is just the introduction to that.

What else.
--My grandma is still pretty sick and so she isn't coming out for my brother's graduation like we had all planned. I hope to still go visit her this summer if I can raise the money for the tickets. It's still up in the air what is actually going on with her but they've ruled out a lot of the things she was scared of. Keep her in your prayers.
--My grades weren't as good as I hoped this last semester, but I had a really good performance review at work, and got put on a recognition list for something else. Funny how that balances out.
--Last night was This Will Destroy You at Kilby, so I went with a few guys from church. Pretty much what happened was that it was a drug show, but I still enjoyed the parts that didn't make me feel like I was drowning.

I wish I was somewhere in a field right now, enjoying the sun. I miss those days of life every day.

whenever i buy blonde hair dye, i start to lack the the area of self-control, and my hair becomes a huge mess. i don't know why but this happens every single time.


i am tired. i have been dreaming of awful things. on the in-between days, my dreams are about places that i wish i could go to, which is great except for there is always something wrong. maybe i am at the farm but can't go out and enjoy the sunshine. or by the ocean but it is drowning me. it's always something. i want to go a night without dreaming. it's been too long.

three whole days off in a row now. i don't even know where to begin.

I did something dumb and spontaneous, which was buying a phone that is smarter than me. Like, it knows more about most things than I even do, and that is an awkward place to be. It even reminds me that I need to go to work, or text people back.

Anyways. Something about the warm weather has made me want to listen to 80's pop music. Every song makes me feel like I should be in an old Drew Barrymore movie. There was a moment last night, as I was leaving someone's house, where the Cure's 'Boys don't Cry' was playing, and I really thought I was maybe inside of the movies (as Spencer would say).

I don't really know what to write about anymore, but I can't help thinking that things are back to good around here. And also I keep thinking whole entire sentences in Spanish. I hope you're proud, T.C.

there is always a new pair of shoes on my bathroom floor. they are never mine, but they are there.

peppermint, soy, and spinachstrawberryorangebanana. i cannot count anymore. don't count. work went by incredibly fast today, and i got to talk to stefanie (yes, with an f) about why there is even the rock music at all and what i believe in. super encouraging. no headache today though. i am going to miss sound. it is a fun, quiet way to bless the church. it always makes me tear up a little standing in the booth and seeing everyone worship.

and at the end of the night, i will try to use my excuse of having started a new budget (which is valid), and my excuse of being exhausted (also valid), but it won't get to the real truth of that i just don't know how to hang out with you anymore. i don't remember what it looks like, or feels like. and that is still difficult for me to get used to.


but still always, 'the angels sing on high, hallelujah, GOD IS GOOD.'

don't do school, stay in drugs is what my assistant manager recommended to me the other day.

These past two weeks have been non-stop running around. From house-sitting to house-cleaning to work to standing in front of a Spanish class and forgetting Spanish. Today is the first day of what is hopefully relaxing, but mainly finishing up some papers. This semester has been really different for me. I started a new job in December, a job where I actually have to think hard and do grown-up things like get yelled at or work on extra projects for my boss. Along with that I decided I might as well pick Spanish back up and go to class five days a week (which hadn't happened before since, oops, high school). Needless to say I was sort of overwhelmed for like, 4 months of my life. Now that I am used to it, the semester is ending and I am scheduled to work all day on the days my papers are due, in the professor's hands, on campus. Whoops. I have been worried about grades and keeping scholarship stuff up, but I had a good talk with my mom and I'm not stressed anymore. God is good whether I have a scholarship or go to school or not. That is ultimately what keeps me in check.

Anyways, what also keeps me being okay with this all amounts to the time I know that I will get to enjoy in Michigan. It couldn't come any sooner right now.

One of my professors invited me to a party at their house. Except for the problem is that it wasn't T.C.

I think I need to sleep a little bit more often.

"Fear of dropping soda on the ground, and it fizz on you. Fear of some birds. Fear of doors when they slams. Fear of things that go bump in the night. Fear of putting something in your ear, and it is not supposed to be there, and it is liable to run you deaf."

I am housesitting some dogs this weekend. There are some joys about having a house to yourself, but also there gets to be a loneliness after a few days. I like the silence less than I like the noise of every day. A kid yelling upstairs, muffled TV sounds, phones ringing, the neighbor boy playing basketball all hours of the day (and never getting better. how is that possible?). It is harder to sleep in the dead silence.



My Spanish professor asked us if we were stressed on Monday, and then on Wednesday told us that the world was ending in seven days, on the day of the oral exam, and made us write a list of things we would like to do before we die. I was one of only a few that wouldn't rob a bank ('cause that would just be weird, now), but I did tell him about the weird thing I've always wanted to do which is basically that scene in Jumanji where they smash everything in the store. I wish I knew how to say more things in Spanish. Sorry, T.C.