it is small grocery stores, and two lane interstates, that are ruined by wal-mart. it is my grandma's job--which is a funny thing, because her boss is in complete denial--that is taken away, slowly, with the credit machines going first, then the heat, then the inventory. next the lights will go off, and they will stop pretending. so sometimes i wish for a world without wal-marts, and that is just a very simple truth of today. because, you know what? i like the small grocery stores.

spending time with my grandma is fun, because she has been in this city for so long. everyone is a cousin, or a friend, and she also at one time lived in like, every single house in the state. apparently she also does this thing where, every thursday and friday, she goes to the casino where they give out five dollars worth of free tokens to every senior. she picks up her chips faithfully each week, then leaves and stores them who knows where. after the winter she takes them out and goes on a gambling streak, spending money she never worked for and making money by pulling levers. and all of this is funny to me because why would such a small town have a casino?

"Oh yeah, this looks exactly like them."
-my grandma, absentmindedly touching a German WWI helmet at a museum. Sometimes she forgets she was never a part of the war.

Michigan is gorgeous. It has been ten years too many, I am convinced. The air is cleaner and the roads are longer (with much less traffic). The Midwest and I were meant to be, and I always realize this as I am staring out at trees or eating a good meal. I will dream about this place when I leave, so I am going to try to soak in as many memories as I can while I'm here.

The time away is good, too, for reevaluation. There is a lot more alone time with my God, and the things he wants to teach me. Less distraction from working or writing papers, and especially good time alone for prayer and reflection. It is a blessing to have a week off of the white noise and the people, even the ones that I hold dear. Growth can be hard, and messy, but there is nothing more beautiful. Renewal. Refreshment. God is patient and graceful with me.

some unrelated thoughts:

i really enjoy the fact that the weather is getting cold, because of the fact that i am starting to hate doing my hair. now i have a good excuse to put on a hat and leave my house with chlorinated hair. oops.

today the train showed up twenty minutes late, so i missed my class and went to the library, which is slowly becoming my favorite place at school. i love sitting in the booths on the bottom floor because you can never guess who you will end up across from. today the man across from me offered me peanuts out of a can of instant coffee. which i guess is pretty friendly, except that i do not want to eat peanuts at 9:30 am.

busy weekend, mainly consisting of mountains and the interstate. i've logged hundred of miles this weekend, between bountiful and provo and miles of canyon.

studio with collin, tony, and rachel, and philip there to watch as well. i am excited to hear this all put together.




fall break starting friday. is it really that late into the semester?

"then came the nights, when, lying awake beside my final wife, i would spend too much time putting my finger on what was wrong. i was wearing the finger out. what was wrong was very simple. sometimes her life and mine fell on the same day."
-gary lutz.



department of eagles on, tea made, but still, i can't write. this is probably all sorts of bad for school, since i have two papers due this week.

my first professor of the day, who sounds like he should be in princess bride, and is generally alright because he lets me get to class a few minutes late, mentioned this american life in class today. somehow he made it tie into medieval literature, which made my respect for him go up by like, 5,000 points, because that stuff is boring.

two more work days this week. one more school day. who said it's almost october already? i don't see many yellow leaves. plus it's 90 degrees outside. this is the surprising nature of utah, but i am starting to love it even more, despite the fires and despite the yucky air.

Netflix started sending us movies in the mail without us asking for them, which is sort of a thrilling adventure.

The first movie they sent was the 60's version of the Music Man, which, umm, I am already aching for my summer all over again, for fields and hay bales and humidity. For long talks, and sunsets, and campfires until it is freezing outside. For fireworks, for counting obese people, for just not showering for a week (oops). How did Netflix know about this, is what I am wondering?

My eyes are real tired, like I haven't slept in over a month. One day I will wake up and wonder what happened to these days because it is already hard to keep them straight.

(Also, today Brian at work--who is becoming my favorite person to work with--accidentally gave me a benadryl that wasn't non-drowsy, which made for a very long day. )

"Who's Kate Gosselin?"

"I don't know, but don't look at her in a bikini!"

-An older couple, at work.


These are the people that are holding my nights together.

i have this new thing, where i can't sleep without white noise. like, if there is nothing going on i won't sleep. i think it is due to the busy-ness (business?) and noise of my summer. that and the fact that without it, my thoughts are just louder.

i am working a ten hour shift tomorrow. it's been a long time since i've done one of those, but i let my manager pressure me into it too easily, regardless of my theory homework, or even friends. work has been in my prayers a lot lately, because it's so discouraging and i just want out all of the time. it's been a year now, a long year, but i'm just not sure yet if God wants me to move on or not. the last few weeks there have been really hard and messy.

steele said tonight that we would be fools to keep holding onto any treasures that were lesser than Jesus. and i am agreeing so much, but, damn, that is convicting. my hands are pretty full of my treasures, and the messes they've caused, but it feels good to just keep dropping them, one by one. God is so patient with me, throughout my worries and headaches and even my impatience. how beautiful a truth to see, to know. i am truly excited for the changes fall is bringing into my life, even if i get a little sad about them occasionally. God knows exactly what i need right now.