Tonight I was halfway through my accidentally-late drive home from Tony and Shannon's when I realized that no sound was coming out of my radio, and no heat was coming out of the heater. And it didn't bother me a bit. But I still turned on a National song for the rest of my drive, just because. I am getting over my need for background noise, and it feels good. I won't lie and say that I'm not going to listen to Bon Iver tonight before I fall asleep though.

Anyways. Today was the day of the week that I get off work. I missed Spanish due to never actually missing Spanish and also because of talking too long in the rain (whoops, sorry T.C., I still like you a lot). I finished all of my homework early, kept my bedroom clean despite laundry being done, and even went to the orthodontist and made spinach dip. And all of that is a big deal because days off are usually used for catching up on sleep. I wasn't really in the mood to be around people for long because I felt crappy, but I went to a small group party anyways, which was a good choice. Sometimes it overwhelms me how blessed I am to have the church family I do.

And then I finally went home and opened a card from a friend, and fifty dollars fell out. I was definitely not expecting it, and I wouldn't even tell the story except for that God is so faithful. I had to fight back tears because He knows exactly what my situation is and is blessing me through it. The days that I feel the least motivated to do anything or change my awful mood are the days that God grabs me by the hand and shows me His love. Every situation I feel like is hopeless right now; my modernism class, the guys I work with, relationships that are confusing, I get reminded that there are bigger things that I want to fight for and that they are minor setbacks. There is prayer and that is all there is to do about it. I can study for classes more diligently, but every word of Pound is going to burn, whereas my God stands eternal. The deeper I get into my English major the more frustrated I get with it because people study this literature like it will bring them enlightenment or truth but yet give no thought to the God that created them. I put too much worry into something that is temporary and usually ridiculous. I guess it is just a matter of prioritizing well. Obviously God has blessed me with a scholarship, and I need to be diligent with that, but I know my truth from my Pound, Eliot, or Freud. And tonight, finally not having homework to leave fellowship early for is a complete blessing.

On a completely unrelated note: I have started curling my hair the night before I actually go anywhere. I don't know what this accomplishes except that my hair looks dirty again as soon as I leave the house. But it is nice waking up and not worrying.

And on another unrelated note: today I heard two people talking behind me on the bus, and all I could think about, was 'This should be a story on This American Life'. Thank you, Ira Glass.

10 of '10

I have been meaning to do this for a long time, but things have been busy with school and work. Here is a list of my ten favorite images of 2010, counted down. It is a blessing to look back over the year and see how I have grown and changed artistically. God is so good! I am looking forward to the opportunities this year will bring.

"Let's put all those napkins in my car. Let's not waste them."
--Stephanie Scribner, on stealing from restaurants

My professor, due to having knee surgery, had a substitute professor on Thursday that looked just like Carrie from Portlandia. Easily that was the funniest part of my week, except for the member that came in, and said to me, "I called him, and he said there was a dead rabbit in the pool", as casually as could be. People are so interesting.

Last night we went out for sushi for Tom's birthday. I still think it is a disgusting thing but I at least decided to pretend one more time that I could love it. My body doesn't get tricked so well though and so I ate a couple pieces and was definitely done. I don't think I will ever learn to have fine test. That's okay though. It's probably better for my budget.

Women's conference was good. I missed church due to having to go to a party I was committed to, but at least I got to see a lot of people earlier in the day and learned a lot. Things are getting back to good! Can't wait to sleep in tomorrow.

oh hey.

my weekend was super busy, because of working friday night, and then having church all the day saturday. mark darling broke my heart and then told the pieces it was going to be alright, and that God is always good and worth running for. so basically the rest of my weekend was a good reminder of that. encouraging talk with keaton and ashlie after church, and i am excited for the changes that are coming about after this weekend. on sunday i had to have a difficult conversation with a friend. which, oops, was way harder after a bike ride (I AM OUT OF SHAPE AGAIN). but things are going to be good. that's really all i feel like i can say.

i didn't really think it was possible for my heart to hurt so much for a place i've only been once. but it does, and i found myself crying all the way up until falling asleep about not being there this summer. i think i need to go back to michigan instead.

looking at classes for next semester makes me nervous, like for some reason i was just thinking i wouldn't have to do this again. but i won't pretend like taking workout classes to fill up space won't be fun. except spanish so early in the morning will turn me into a zombie. a zombie that knows a lot about subjunctives, hopefully. today i picked up the phone to call somebody and had to fight speaking to them in spanish instead of english. it was a weird feeling. my brain is being trained to accept this.

violins and stacatto. little sleep. passing credit union tests with a 97%. not getting yelled at. hurt. smile. headphones. bus driver leaving a girl running. sunshine through the windows at work. prayer journals. patrick watson. vacation planning and fund saving. grilled cheese. thinking too much. weekdays are all over the place.

i wrote a paper about javier bardem for spanish class tonight, which was sort of depressing because the guy is nuts. he is a staunch atheist, and was saying that even though he wasn't gay he would love to get married that way just to make churches angry. i don't understand why people act like that. what is the point of hating something you say that you don't even believe in? it doesn't add up for me. i don't believe in life on mars or evolution, but i don't go around hating everyone that does. it seems like a waste of emotion that could be spent on anything else. anything. anyways. that's the end of a spanish-induced rant. the Bible is always spot on about these things, when Jesus says the world will hate us.

i missed a bus or two this morning due to poorly timing my snow removal. the thing about utah though is that professors understand that, and so things were good, and i got to talk to my old boss for a bit at harmon's. it feels good to say i have a new job, and i finally work for a company whose name i don't feel ashamed telling. i guess that is part of being in the grown up world. but also the other part is headaches and responsibilities, like making sure every strange question people have is answered. and people have a lot of questions for me.

i spent one of my weekend nights, and i can't remember which, catching up on this show. fred armisen makes me laugh so hard. portland as home has faded for me to a distant memory. i don't know if this is a sad thing or not. but the funny thing about this show is that it is never raining. so i see the same buildings, but nothing looks the same, because there are small rays of sunshine. it's sort of like a more idealistic oregon, except still with the same people that aren't so idealistic.


the wasteland by t.s. eliot. spanish done. day off. spicy food. this american life (tv and radio). talking to the brother. sweet text messages. house church. wednesday is becoming my favorite day of the week, except the weekends i cherish.