it's come to the point where my windshield wipers don't work. so what happens is this:
i have to pull over and get out of my car, to fix the mess they have made. so that is more than a little unnerving. and time-consuming.

bowling, and baking, have taken the place of most biking. black keys for bon iver. buying gas for buying clothing. there are seasons of life that change despite the leaves being green, in 45 degree weather.

there is a constant surrender. everyday, starting in the morning, and continuing through to the evening. the more you give up, the less time is wasted. i am wanting productivity, and not just days that fly by (which, they all do anyways, because of theory, and film). the more surrender, the better the work day, the less messy the heart. does anything i write even make sense anymore? i doubt it. but still, i manage to be passing classes, at least theoretically, at least hopefully. my heart is pretty full these days, as well.

november is coming up.

"I was thinking about taking Japanese, but I am definitely not trendy enough."
-Brian from work, discussing his spring classes with me



I love Jesus Christ. That is all I ever need to say that will truly matter. He blesses my life in every way. I lack for no good thing.

More later; right now, I have hours of midterm left to finish.

"Everyone wants to know what's next, but I enjoy this moment."
-Dignan, on Bottle Rocket

I go to school two days a week, I have a wonderful house church, and Tom always makes fun of me for eating unhealthy. Also, we are getting a kitten.

I am totally happy right now.


Another thing that keeps happening is that I run back and forth between school and banks in fancy clothing. This is starting to consume a lot of time and gasoline. But it is still a little bit thrilling, looking so professional.

it is small grocery stores, and two lane interstates, that are ruined by wal-mart. it is my grandma's job--which is a funny thing, because her boss is in complete denial--that is taken away, slowly, with the credit machines going first, then the heat, then the inventory. next the lights will go off, and they will stop pretending. so sometimes i wish for a world without wal-marts, and that is just a very simple truth of today. because, you know what? i like the small grocery stores.

spending time with my grandma is fun, because she has been in this city for so long. everyone is a cousin, or a friend, and she also at one time lived in like, every single house in the state. apparently she also does this thing where, every thursday and friday, she goes to the casino where they give out five dollars worth of free tokens to every senior. she picks up her chips faithfully each week, then leaves and stores them who knows where. after the winter she takes them out and goes on a gambling streak, spending money she never worked for and making money by pulling levers. and all of this is funny to me because why would such a small town have a casino?

"Oh yeah, this looks exactly like them."
-my grandma, absentmindedly touching a German WWI helmet at a museum. Sometimes she forgets she was never a part of the war.

Michigan is gorgeous. It has been ten years too many, I am convinced. The air is cleaner and the roads are longer (with much less traffic). The Midwest and I were meant to be, and I always realize this as I am staring out at trees or eating a good meal. I will dream about this place when I leave, so I am going to try to soak in as many memories as I can while I'm here.

The time away is good, too, for reevaluation. There is a lot more alone time with my God, and the things he wants to teach me. Less distraction from working or writing papers, and especially good time alone for prayer and reflection. It is a blessing to have a week off of the white noise and the people, even the ones that I hold dear. Growth can be hard, and messy, but there is nothing more beautiful. Renewal. Refreshment. God is patient and graceful with me.

some unrelated thoughts:

i really enjoy the fact that the weather is getting cold, because of the fact that i am starting to hate doing my hair. now i have a good excuse to put on a hat and leave my house with chlorinated hair. oops.

today the train showed up twenty minutes late, so i missed my class and went to the library, which is slowly becoming my favorite place at school. i love sitting in the booths on the bottom floor because you can never guess who you will end up across from. today the man across from me offered me peanuts out of a can of instant coffee. which i guess is pretty friendly, except that i do not want to eat peanuts at 9:30 am.

busy weekend, mainly consisting of mountains and the interstate. i've logged hundred of miles this weekend, between bountiful and provo and miles of canyon.

studio with collin, tony, and rachel, and philip there to watch as well. i am excited to hear this all put together.




fall break starting friday. is it really that late into the semester?