she had a steak knife in her mouth, so i pulled it out because it seemed like the right thing to do.


driving down the road, he asked me what my plans were. and this time, i didn't know what say..so, i studied my hands. they looked 10, 20 years older than they should of, and he kept going on.
'this road isn't made for drinking.'
no sir, it's not. the air was still freezing, and i wondered what was even going on. the stops and the goes, they were pretty unexpected. from time to time we were different people: different people than the summer before, than the week and night before. i think we were older, or maybe we just thought we were older. the song in the background was a broken hearted one, the kind where somebody leaves someone. i'd heard it a thousand times before getting that.
nowhere really had what anybody really needed, so it was basically over.

my hands were still red when we got back. the questions ceased and became reminiscing and the future all in one. my job had been done, enough.




it was midnight, which is hot-tub hour. we left the work for awhile and went outside. it was raining a little bit. we stepped into 100 degrees of pure bliss, and all of the aches of the day disappeared.

all in all, it was a good weekend.

so you're gonna have to show me how that dance is done, the one where somebody leaves someone...

i had a friend tell me that they were going to smoke three packs a day once they turn 19, and i don't know how to feel about that, really.

i just figure it's all downhill from 19 though, so i'll just eat apples everyday, and try to stay away from pollution, and avoid coughing up a lung too often, or throwing up italian (which i seem to do a lot). that's health enough for me.

yes we can.

motorcyclist. child. hairdresser. unemployed. ex-meth dealer. mother of 7. banker. e-bay software designer. smoker. single. coffee master. greying hair. homeless for ten months. football player. college student. alcoholic. musician. armed forces. medical student. sister-in-law.

All of those people, sitting together in my living room. It's beautiful how God can take random words and lives and knit them into a family. All of those people, together, would be a mess. We are a mess. But, continually, we are reminded that we are a family. I've learned the most from the people least like me. Maybe the thirteen-year-old girl writes the song I never could, or maybe the six year old teaches me a lesson on love. Maybe the alcoholic teaches me that we are all, as humans, addicts in some way or another. Maybe the man who has endured living under a bridge teaches me perserverance and generosity. In community my weaknesses become evident.


And that is a radical thing.

today i realized three things:

• that i have 5 classes that i actually need to study for. i haven't really done that for seventeen years.
• that listening to david sedaris sing at a reading is a lot funnier than actually reading it.
• that naps are pretty good for my soul.

and that's what i guess i'm into nowadays.


i have had curly hair for almost a week now, and i am practically in love with it. maybe it's the way i really just don't have to wash it, or maybe it's something else.

some things in my life:

1. I gave up on football. My team loses every year, without fail, and it's just not good for my heart anymore. Goodbye, touchdowns, and field goals, and that loud yelling guy that is always in the background.

2. We got a wiiFit. Now I can learn how to do yoga from a tv screen. I can also be told, daily, that I have terrible balance. Nice.

3. I am starting to, believe it or not, like playing electric guitar. I like sounding loud and angry when I occasionally feel loud and angry.

4. Cooking Asian food is not my forte. Yesterday I tried to make pad thai, and it was effectively renamed 'greasy noodles with brown sauce'.

5. I want to go to the midwest again already. It's addicting.

6. Summer couldn't come a few months early, could it? My feet want to be bare, please.

7. I don't think that I want to be in love for a long time.

"and she was like 'all you have in your fridge is batteries and pickles', and i was like 'really..i have pickles?!" --Ramsey, single man extraordinare.

the new year was more of an after thought, a small surprise after a long day. there wasn't really much time to contemplate the last year, with it's aches and joys and complications and loves. i was too busy trying to become 40.

hotel rooms, exhaustion, and cheap cigars: that is the smell of my life. chlorine and whirlpools; pizza boxes and wind so cold that is practically pierces your soul. so here's to that, and here's to making friends that live too far away, to playing tom petty songs, to the love of nintendo. i think i will miss all of that this week. i might even miss the open road, with it's possibility.

so thanks for always being across the hall, and for letting us hang out in your room every night. thanks for swimming with us in the middle of wyoming. thanks for playing mafia, four on a couch. thank you for being funny. thanks for playing guitar. thanks for walking with me to the lake. thank you for taking pictures. thank you for messing up a few times. thanks for helping me.
thanks for all those hours.

in the past seven days, i have been working on 3 or 4 hours of sleep each night, which isn't really very good for a body. maybe that is why, when i get back to the hotel room at 3 am, i find myself starting to put on makeup. maybe that is why it feels so good to be home.

my head is still reeling from faithwalkers. God is good and big and likes to challenge me. i was refreshed, but it felt more like raw exposure than anything else. it cut down deep and good. the worship was such an incredible experience. 2200 people poured their hearts out at the same time in the same room. that is such an honest thing. joy whitney made me feel like a big baby all over again (the whitney's are good at doing that) and now i am just excited for change. i am excited for that big scary word commitment, and what it's going to do with my life. God is my constant. that is all i need to hold on to, that is all i will ever need.