this is what i have been up to in my downtime of the two craziest weeks. i sometimes daydream about how i wish i could be a visual director for this show. every shot is so good.

waiting for the bus the other day, i met a funny old black man that just wanted to talk. i think he was lonely, but he was so friendly. he had moved to salt lake from l.a. because he didn't like the feeling of always having to put up a front--he said that living in salt lake was like being able to breathe because it isn't so tiresome here. i guess i have never thought of utah in that way. when i think of being able to breathe and relax i think of somewhere closer to the middle. anyways i am glad that he is happy here. he gave me what he thought were some good insights on life, such as "do not offer a black man (or ANY man) a ride after 11 pm. or ever," and "the devil is always at work." he got off of the bus and thanked me for talking to him.

my nights now are busy and tiring, but it is good: homework, outreach, dinners, meeting with people, house church again, planning trips. i don't even have time to worry about you or us or what is really going on in my life.

today during staff meeting, my boss kept talking about trust accounts and also member service, except all i could think about the whole time was this:

that working at the bank is just like playing Roller Coaster Tycoon. The people come in with big red angry faces over their heads, and you have to get them to have green smiles before they go home.

yesterday at work a lady asked me if i "even had a brain of my own" and then started swearing at me as much as she could. so that was really nice of her. and what i wanted to say was "yes, and that is why i am making things so hard on you," but instead i kept my mouth shut while she was complaining and prayed for her.

there is too much to write about. there is not enough to write about. i pretty much spend my days like:
wake up too early
quiet time
school or work or schoolANDwork
homework and outreach
sleep
lather rinse repeat, on and on.

i look forward to and cherish my Sundays off. i don't know if i feel great about being busy or terrible about it. it is nice to keep my mind off of things but i miss the people and places that i used to see outside of my house. it is really nice to have nights off, though, and i am really excited about 6:15 rolling around.

"taste the happy, michael."
--gob bluth, on arrested development


i feel like i am walking on a weird cloud of GOD IS SO GOOD, even though he always is and i have always known that. the past few days of been a roller coaster of relationships and exhaustion and my flesh. but when i force myself to calm down for five seconds, God shows me how much he continues to just love and love and LOVE me. it has definitely been a year of learning for me. i may not always know the answers and i may still mess up, but here in the power of CHRIST i stand. so encouraging. daily he picks up me weary, messy self and chooses to mold me into something more. daily i am shown love in the most crazy ways. one day it may be a letter from my brother talking about how his faith is growing through boot camp (he calls his pastor the black version of mac) and the next it may be encouragement from a friend on the interstate. i feel like all of the difficult things in my life are not really so terrible.

a few little pieces of my week:

-a man came through our drive-up window with his dog wearing a cubs hat and sunglasses. the dog had the funniest look on its face and i lost it. i was crying before he left, and as soon as he drove off he took the outfit off of the dog. probably he just wanted to brighten my day, with something very childish, and it worked. well.

-steph brought me back a 'put a bird on it' sticker from portland. funny that they can make money off of being made fun of.

-fall is in the air, and i couldn't be happier.

my body is getting used to waking up early. i know this because i am waking up at six without an alarm, and also because sometimes it is five. i wish my body knew the difference between those two, because just because you can wake up early doesn't mean you are not tired for the rest of the day.

i have been so busy lately. i signed up to take outreach again because it has been so long. it is going to be a lot of work but i feel like it is manageable. i want God to use me more in this area because i feel like it is somewhere i definitely lack. i am excited for the opportunities i know he'll give me as i continue through the class.

so sunday was outreach, and then sunday was a crazy birthday party that i was hired to take pictures for. i didn't know what to expect, and it was pretty much a bummer to see the things some people find joy in. but there was some BOMB food, and it was interesting to spend time in a totally different culture. it's sort of funny because everyone was speaking spanish, and the girl kept translating, except for i understood most of it. these 8:30 classes four days a week must actually be working for me.


it's funny that life is so busy but i don't, for once, feel overwhelmed about any of it.

the art of taking naps, and how it never worked for me.
lack of sleep and speaking in tongues (which, actually, is just spanish).
forty minutes of cardio in a building that looks deceitful from the outside.

i get real tired sometimes, and then i remember it's only a week in to school. a week in and already the kid from my spanish class last year won't stop flirting with me. i'll be sitting in the grass, waiting to go off to some theory class, and he'll just walk up and sit down next to me. hey, what are you doing skipping class, he says, like he knows my whole schedule. it is a little creepy and a lot less than charming. but i just smile and be nice, because what else can you do? next time i see him, i am going to run the other direction though.

public transportation is messier than usual. my room is messier than usual. lists are being made and piling up and i just want it to be FALL. coats. scarves. boots. leaves. pumpkin. tea. soup. fall is so nostalgic to me, and i think a large part of it is because it takes me back to living in oregon. when i think pumpkins i think fir point farms: cinnamon donuts, the acorn house, miles of beautiful trees. dressing up as something silly and going out into the neighborhood.

our branch manager asked me the other day if i would be interested in applying for a loan officer position. i guess i am a grown up now.

"do you ever do a warm-up before exorcism?"
-spencer, while reading to me out loud. poor guy.


i want to write a story about the bank some days, but instead i just come home with a headache and really dirty hands.

the thing of it is though, is that, despite the headaches and the germs and the grumpy and lying people, i don't hate my job. God has been so good to bless me with this. whether i work thirty hours a week this semester or twenty, i will be happy that i am where i am. i feel so professional when i count back money to a member or solve a financial problem. which is funny because i never thought much of that type of thing, because i am not a numbers or business person. i like to write and wear the same clothes over and over, and not wash my hair. don't ask me how i ended up where i did, for this moment.

things are in a funny place right now. i can't believe that school starts in four days. i can't believe my brother has been gone for a week--and isn't coming back for another three months. i can't believe he is in the marines. i keep wondering when all of this stuff is going to become more real in my head, but the answer is probably not until it is over.